The New York Knicks have released their schedule for the 2016 season. Using our crystal ball, slide ruler, and a children’s joke book, we’ve predicted a few future events. We’re pretty confident all of these will occur.
Porzingis shows up early, as Derek Fisher tells the rookie he’ll be starting on opening day. Porzingis spends hours pre-game working on various aspects of his game. He receives a call from his coach at 7:45pm, telling him that he’s been duped and opening day is really tomorrow. Fisher also tells him to show up in a tuxedo with a bag of salted cashews on a silver platter, and to stand behind the coach at all times as his personal nut server. Ahhh NBA hazing!
Opening Day. New York hopes to follow in the Bucks footsteps, as Milwaukee improved by 26 wins last year. The Knicks only manage 20 points by halftime, the lowest NBA halftime point total since the Clippers in 1999. The Bucks rest their starters in the fourth quarter, and cruise to a 93-68 victory. Porzingis only manages 3 minutes of garbage time, since he lost 5 minutes changing out of the tuxedo. The rookie scores 2 points and blocks 3 shots. Carmelo Anthony plays 38 minutes.
The Knicks lose a close one to the Hawks, 104-102. Calderon hit a game tying 2 point shot with 9 seconds left, but Paul Millsap recovers a Al Horford miss and banks it in high off the glass as time expires. Paul Millsap sets a career record with 22 rebounds. Carmelo Anthony scores 28 points in 39 minutes.
Halloween day in Washington. Fisher makes Porzingis dress as Pippi Longstocking. Most people think he’s the Wendy’s girl or Junie B. Jones. Oh and the Knicks lose 98-91.
The 0-6 Knicks face up against the Lakers, and blow out Los Angeles 108-87. D’Angelo Russell guard turns the ball over 6 times in the first quarter, and Kobe Bryant needs to be restrained from his teammate. Porzingis is forced to wear a basketball under his shirt, and waddle around like a pregnant lady. He plays 7 minutes in the fourth quarter and scores 8 points with 2 blocks. Carmelo Anthony scores 38 points in 42 minutes.
New York earns their 5th win (5-7) against the Hornets 97-92. Robin Lopez misses the game when a prank on Hugo, the Hornets mascot, featuring a chainsaw and honey goes awry and Lopez accompanies the giant bee to the hospital. Kevin Seraphin is praised by his coach for a fine all around game as he earns 15 points with 3 rebounds and 1 block in the start. Carmelo Anthony scores 33 in 45 minutes.
The Knicks (6-8) stun the Rockets 110-92. Derrick Williams scores a career high 28 points, and adds 1 rebound, 1 assist, and 1 steal. Derek Fisher praises him for his all round game. Carmelo Anthony scores 37 in 46 minutes.
The day after Thanksgiving. New York ends up on the top end of another laugher, 111-87 against Miami. The most notable event of the day is Porzingis being unable to enter the game due to a stomach ailment. It is revealed that Derek Fisher ordered the slender rookie to eat an entire turkey the day before.
The Knicks end the year with a win against the Pistons 101-91. New York is eyeing the 8th seed with their 16-17 record. Phil Jackson praises his coach for his quick feet, fluid hips, and square shoulders.
The Knicks (17-26) snap their 9 game losing streak to start the season with a win against the 76ers. Kyle O’Quinn started at power forward and scored 12 points and had a career high 16 rebounds. Carmelo Anthony drops 33 in 38 minutes.
The Clippers snap the Knicks 2 game winning streak, 108-102. Cole Aldrich scores 10 points, pulls down 16 rebounds, and blocks 4 shots in 26 minutes. Carmelo Anthony only manages 22 points in 41 minutes.
Phil Jackson sits courtside as the Warriors come in to town. Each time Golden State launches a three, Jackson’s chuckle is audible on the tv telecast. Before the start of the fourth quarter, Jackson tweets that Golden State’s 3-point luck is about to run out. The Warriors go 6-6 from downtown in the final segment to close out New York 121-108.
The Knicks (24-34) win at home against Toronto, but Porzingis misses the game. Later it is revealed that Fisher forced him to wear a Frankenstein Jr. costume, and the 7-3 center spent most of the game mobbed by tourists on the New York City streets who thought he was one of those walking cartoon characters. Most assumed he was Hogarth from The Iron Giant.
Hogarth-gate hits the tabloids. That and the Knicks lack-luster record force the Knicks to fire Derek Fisher. Kurt Rambis takes over as head coach.
In his first game as head coach, with the Knicks down by a dozen to the Magic in the first quarter, Rambis inserts Porzingis at power forward. The rookie blocks a Frye jumper, which leads to a transition bucket, and hits 3 straight shots to bring the momentum back to New York. In the 4th quarter, Porzingis enters the game with 6 minutes left much to the appreciation of the crowd. In the final moments, with Carmelo Anthony hounded by the defense, Kristaps receives the ball drives to the hoop for the game winning bucket.
New York Post back cover: Porzingisanity!
At this point, we’ll leave the rest up to you. Feel free to post your crystal ball entries in the comments!
|Nov.||Monday||2||vs.||San Antonio||7:30 p.m.|
|Sunday||8||vs.||L.A. Lakers||3:30 p.m.|
|Friday||20||at||Oklahoma City||8:00 p.m.|
|Friday||8||at||San Antonio||8:30 p.m.|
|Friday||22||vs.||L.A. Clippers||7:30 p.m.|
|Tuesday||26||vs.||Oklahoma City||7:30 p.m.|
|Sunday||31||vs.||Golden State||7:30 p.m.|
|Friday||11||at||L.A. Clippers||10:30 p.m.|
|Sunday||13||at||L.A. Lakers||9:30 p.m.|
|Wednesday||16||at||Golden State||10:30 p.m.|
|Monday||28||at||New Orleans||8:00 p.m.|