Warriors Historically Great, Knicks Not

I’ve just crossed the threshold of the Warriors’ locker room, and the first thing I see is Klay Thompson pissing on an orange and blue foam finger. This, one half the Splash Brothers later claims, was ripped off the helpless hand of a sobbing five-year-old fan.

Ruthless, yes, but a breed part and parcel with Golden State’s maraudic march.

“Get that action!” Draymond Green eggs his teammate from a corner locker, whipping his dick around like an unknotted lasso. “More like Badison Square Garbage!”

Such was the din of destruction that befell the New York Knicks Sunday night, with the Golden State juggernaut rolling to a 116-95 par-for-the-course thumping in front of a caustic capacity crowd. This despite a meager 13 points from All-Everything sharpshooter Stephen Curry.

Thompson led all scorers with 34 points on a planet-compacting 14-18 from the field, including 5-6 from distance. Green, meanwhile, tallied his league-high ninth triple-double of the season, finishing with 20 points, 10 rebounds, 10 assists, and no fewer than 50 pounds of Knicks splayed like Pollack flicks across the floor.

But it was how the Warriors’ power forward manhandled Kristaps Porzingis (14 points, seven rebounds) that left perhaps the most throbbing smart in the minds of Knicks fans present and couch-sunk alike.

“He was definitely a challenge to guard,” Prozingis wrote on a grease board while attached to locker-room ventilator. “Draymond is pretty intimidating. At one point he told me he once ran over a mailman when he didn’t deliver his Morris Peterson autograph on time, so after that I was pretty scared.”

Scared. A word that can be both cliché and—for 29 other NBA teams—the absolute best explanation possible.

After co-authoring one of their worst quarters of the season in the game’s opening frame, Golden State didn’t take long to find their oft-regaled rhythm, executing cuts and dives in a frenzy that flustered their air-grabbing foes. Down two after one, the Warriors were up six at the break, 17 after three, and barely looked back.

“That’s a hell of a team they got out there,” lauded Carmelo Anthony, who finished with a team-high 24 points and 10 rebounds—a star-steady output in what was otherwise a ceaseless offensive siege. “And Arron [Afflalo] sucked pigshit tonight.”

Anthony’s gripe underscores a growing concern within the Knicks organization. Namely that Affalo, who finished with five points on are-you-fucking-kidding-me from the field, has lately struggled to find his way in Derek Fisher’s triangle-hybrid offense.

“Arron will come around,” Fisher noted from just outside Sasha Vujacic’s shower stall, where the Knicks skipper was handing various botanical shower products to his reserve shooting guard through the curtain. “If he doesn’t, we’ll have to adjust the rotation accordingly.”

Vujacic’s head abruptly thrusts forth from the steam. “I said lilac! Not lavender!” he bellowed.

“Motherfucker, how am I supposed to know the motherfucking difference,” Fisher retorted, upending the wicker basket’s myriad contents over the rail and storming off in a huff.

“He gets like this after some losses,” Vujacic confided as he scrambled to gather his wares behind the curtain. “… Do you see my crab comb out there?”

The loss drops the Knicks to 23-27 overall, a full three games behind the No. 8 seed Detroit Pistons and 4.5 games behind the Boston Celtics, who will visit the Garden Tuesday night.

The Warriors, meanwhile, moved to 44-4 on the season, and have seriously considered going on a three-month vacation and “Just trying to win it all with the No. 9 seed,” according to ESPN’s Chris Broussard.

On a night when the Knicks struggled to cull contributions from anyone beyond Anthony and Porzingis, the latter of whom missed much of the first half due to early foul trouble, it was Golden State’s depth—relentless and killer and skilled—that proved the start-to-finish difference.

“When we’re in rhythm, we’re a pretty tough team to beat,” Steve Kerr said of his history-chasing charges. “Luke Walton coached this team to 38 of our 44 wins. And I love Luke Walton. But Luke Walton still thinks Stephen Baldwin was Keyser Soze, okay? You know what I mean?”

“That’s how good this team is.”

One day after completely squandering a 17-point lead to the hapless Philadelphia 76ers, Kerr and the Warriors relied on second-unit stalwarts Leandro Barbosa, Brandon Rush, and Shaun Livingston—aged a combined 125 years—to keep the Knicks largely at bay.

A remarkable feat, given Golden State’s helter-skelter itinerary: catching an 11 P.M. flight from Philadelphia to Newark; chartering a private plane to La Guardia after it was revealed Walton had booked the wrong flight in a fit of vertigo (“The letters kinda blended together for a second,” he would later tell the staff); taking in a VIP performance by noted Bronx rapper French Montana at an undisclosed nightclub (1 OAK), at which point our source stopped responding, ending his communiqués with a cryptic text that read simply, “o no bogut flppng tbles.”

The loss marked the Knicks’ seventh in their last 10 games—a midseason slide that threatens to undo what has otherwise been an encouraging turnaround in the wake of last year’s 17-win debacle.

“Boston is basically a must-win for us,” lamented center Robin Lopez, who finished with six points and five rebounds in a mostly quiet 18 minutes. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in serious danger of permadeath here on hardcore Mine Craft mode, and I don’t have a worm in the server to resurrect me.”

Whatever the inherent flaws of Fisher’s squad, the Knicks had a sterling opportunity to capitalize on Golden State’s subpar opening quarter. Sadly, the first 12 minutes were marred by cartoonish turnovers on both sides, along with a lingering sense that the two teams might’ve eschewed the sanctioned Saturday rest for an all-night goodwill ether binge.

The difference being that the Warriors—righteous and splendid as their brand of basketball is—have earned a right to disregard those passage rites.

As for the Knicks? The mantra seems, at this point, a bit simpler in scope: Sometimes, before you run, you gotta stop rifling passes off your teammates’ thighs.

“We’ll lick our wounds, get our rest, and get back to work for Boston tomorrow,” Fisher offered, wads of tissue stuffed to stave a bleeding nose. “Metaphorically lick our wounds. Let’s make that clear. Don’t wanna get Amundson excited.”

(Editor’s Note: No, it didn’t.)

A Little Over 16 Hours With Kristaps Porzingis

Happy Friday, Istas.

As some of you know, I’m over at The Cauldron now. Follow us / give us page views / feed my dog.

Anyway, I wrote this thing about spending 16 fictitious hours with Kristaps Porzingis. It’s a great way to kill 20 minutes of your Friday.

That’s pretty much it. Hoping to rattle off a few more recaps down the stretch, so this won’t look so much like the shameless plug it is.

Jah Bless,

Jim

Magcsi 10000 knicKs 991

Alook. If the Knicksand the Magi care gonna get all drunk to play BASKETBALL, thn I’MGONNA get drunk to RITE THE RECAPP. Fairs fair. FASIRS FAR. Bsides AVERYONE s drunkk tonight!!!!! TSI THNKSGIVING! Jst dont drivewhateveryado. Don’t DO IT. CAasll acab or ubar ora whaeveer. an happy THKANKSGIVANG. DONPT’ BRINGS UP BEAN CARSON AT THE DIANNER TIBABLE!

New York Knicks 91 Final
Recap | Box Score
100 Orlando Magic
Kristaps Porzingis, PF 36 MIN | 3-13 FG | 0-4 3FG | 4-6 FT | 8 REB | 3 AST | 0 STL | 6 BLK | 2 TO | 10 PTS | -2 +/-

Yiikes rook. Thaaaaaaats prety rough stuf there. Jus culdnt get inta any kinda rhythm out there you know. BUT THU BLOCKS! THE BLICKS! THOSEWere prtty awesome prtty awsome THAT BLCK ON DAOLAPO! YA JUMPEDF STRAIGTHA UP AND SENT TAHT SHIT TO ITALY ORF WHEFAREVER THATA PUNK IS FROM… thias wasn’ta your best game bay ANY staretch. But ayou FINDs wayws to acontributae no MATTER WHAT! FECK IAlove you! IL OAVE YOU!

UR THNKSVIVING DISH IS: a sweetsweetsweet appl pie RIGHTotuata the ovn and none of thast sarash LEE shit tiether. Maybeb a little ice creatm to match the oocmplexion of yer skin okay this isagetting weird I’m sorry i’m story NOT SSORRY HA!

Carmelo Anthony, SF 35 MIN | 9-17 FG | 3-4 3FG | 7-9 FT | 13 REB | 3 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 28 PTS | +4 +/-

Alright aright aright arght art. I get your THEMAN and everything, weall get it. EWGET IT! But sometimes… an ad i kno you don’t lke hearing this TBUT somatmes aND I ONLY MEAN SOMAETIMES but someteimes you kinads stalls thea offense like a TRUCK N MUD…. Youkno wwhat FUCK IT youwerar the oNLY one other than josie doin aNYTHING tonight. So yOU MY FRIEND, … A YOU get a pass!

assnd YOUR THsnkagivng dsih IS: oh daude YOUR OBVSIOUASLY the taurkey ins this here situation callad Thanskfavining. You are tathe meat oaf the bone you know. The SUBSTANCE that keeps aall our bellys full.

Robin Lopez, C 23 MIN | 4-8 FG | 0-0 3FG | 0-0 FT | 12 REB | 3 AST | 0 STL | 2 BLK | 0 TO | 8 PTS | +4 +/-

Ok ok oka akoka okay you wreare fdefinitely adoing some stuff earlay , gettin on athe boffenasive boards , ahad a nice righty hook in thearfe somewhere I canat’ remember to well. But thean coach goaes and just BURRIED you like a deadt pet gophert or sasomething. Like a ddaed pet frog or evan a familyg fo frongs. I feeeel LIKE… AND THISs is just me talkin hare…. I FEEL likea youcould GIVE morea if yea were just asaked to DOOOOmore youknow? … plus yer hair seems lalke ita would be the perfecat house for little itsy tiny fairies.

yourtaghnkvivng DISH?: sometathin weird ands quiirky kinda, al little difarenet…… WAIT I Knaow what you are! YOAURE the bag a hawaian rolls my werid ass uncle pickas up from the agas statioan on his way aover. Dafeintely not sexy but GATES THEFUCKIN JOB DONE! HAWAIN ROLLSSL GET THE JOB DONE!

Jose Calderon, PG 35 MIN | 8-14 FG | 4-8 3FG | 3-4 FT | 3 REB | 4 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 23 PTS | 0 +/-

DASAAAMN Josa. Can i casll you JOseeph actually like jesus dad from the first christma… oh wait its’ thansgkibnh not Xmas. so YOUU My frend had a pretty excaletn game SHOOTING WISE – A – on offense. You had kinda tuugh time staiyin in front ofa OPADILO but so did like ptaertty much EVERYONE amirite? If ayou can agive us THAT kinda fshooting aon a consistency basesi? THAT’S huge. No no no nao. THAAAT’S huge.

gueass WHAT YOURs thanskgaivng dsih IS: daeEFINITELY the amshed potastoes, but ilike the REALLY good kinds that have the skinsss in em. Like yor beard is the SKINS of the potato I n tha is scenario. Anfd the gravy because I maen COME ON that’s’ kind of a pacakage deal. So you are the mashfed ptoateos because yeah ok theyare GOOD but thatey also make you move arelllly like REALLY sloaw.

Arron Afflalo, SG 31 MIN | 4-11 FG | 2-4 3FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 10 PTS | +2 +/-

Youa hit osme sots. Sure, youa hit asome shots. Anfd youra defeane was okay althoaguh I nonestly donno WHY FISAHER WOULDN’T’ JUSTA JKEEP you on OLDADADSIPo more oftaen! Fisherasa gotta gate this rotations fogiured out. It’s the prrvverobial ELEPHATN IN THE… the hsorse of ad iffernt elephant.

THSI GUYs turaky day dish iiiiiisssss: mayeb cranbury scauce? Ithink ayoure’ cranberry sacue. Cusz like, you’are ZESTY sometimes on offense, but your weirdly FILLING at the same time. lIKE THE KINDA crabnerry sacuce tcomes in a can. Is thas insulting o’m sorry. No one awatsn to be cANNED ANYTHING.

Lou Amundson, PF 4 MIN | 0-1 FG | 0-0 3FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 0 PTS | 0 +/-

k no I adont even aremamber really.

TGd: the COFFEE youget with the PIE tis lik a jolt of ENEGRY beafoara you quikly pass out again.

Kevin Seraphin, PF 8 MIN | 0-2 FG | 0-0 3FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 0 PTS | -13 +/-

Mansfn STAT got real fat or sometighin I don’t know. And noaw he just aekas terrabile 20 foot hook sathots like shitTY KAREEM.

ur shittty tgiving dish: fCUKIN I don t know Funyons. Thy have faunuons at anoynes aeleses thanksgiving or ajust my familys?

Kyle O'Quinn, PF 12 MIN | 2-6 FG | 0-1 3FG | 0-0 FT | 4 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 0 TO | 4 PTS | -12 +/-

Ugha. UGH! What HAAAAPENED to you doude? I dunno if yer kjust tryina showa up your oldd teamats or WHAt the fucka was goin on. Nyway you wrea aboust as useful as tits on a fireatruck.

ding dsing DIGN DIGNG YOU AREE:: a fuckin bowl a cottageg cheess that’s GONE BAAD. FESTering cottage cheesa.

Lance Thomas, SF 19 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-1 3FG | 4-4 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 6 PTS | -8 +/-

hey lanse, nlance … you my friend my friend area doing some TNICE things when your numbeare getsca lled. That put bacask dunk! Shiiiaa1 asdf sorry I just threwd upa little buta I’m ok. I’m okay. This is me typing and I am oka.. ashit lance I juasta re-looked atat eh box xscore and you didasnt really ado much but I still laove ou liekt aht weird uncel who taslks abbout cheeerlaeaders all the tiame.

(SPOiler aleart its beeeens&: beasn. Jus beans. Adoesnt matter what kinfd realy. beasn

Langston Galloway, PG 16 MIN | 0-5 FG | 0-2 3FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 0 PTS | -10 +/-

Reel talk okay : FLORIDA WAS a not the sunihshine state for you bay ANY stretcha of the imaggagssination. S okay s oksya s okay though. You’lllg et your feet back. Not toa imply soemaone stole ye r feetbut IT IS FLORIDA werae talkin ga about ahere I beta the state ias on the coanstant verge of a full aon LIMB war all the atime I thnk I heard alezx Joness talkin about it oncae the floriday limb wars.

lgasntons side dsash is:: a dfferent kinda FOWL HAHaahsasha. cUZ you had fivea fouls lik a fool. YRE A FOWL FOOL. Foull fowl. FOOL FOWL

Jerian Grant, PG 6 MIN | 0-0 FG | 0-0 3FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 0 PTS | -7 +/-

….6 MINtes? Like fcukin SIX mnutes? I donno what Fisheras ithinking. It’sa like what bryon scaott is doian with the Lakers: He doesn play Deeenglo ruseel bcasuae he deoasnt have experience… buat how arate you ausupposed to get experainac if you NEVER play. Anywy iw wish you plated myore.

thanks. gvign. dsih. IS: Ummmmm carrtos. Carratos are healthy cand GOOD for yu. But maaeybe with some franksa rRED hot on them.

Sasha Vujacic, SG 14 MIN | 0-3 FG | 0-3 3FG | 2-2 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 1 TO | 2 PTS | -3 +/-

Yyyyour firstshot justt fuckin RIFFLEdd of the bckboard DUUDE! wERE you like BANGN some rushin chck at a fuckn POPYES chickn before orewhatever theay have dwn there? Yer a FOOL, SIR!

Urs mongolian thanskgiving tdasih: Fuckn GRASS SOUP.

Derek Fisher

AYO whaaat? whodafuck putsa shasha vuccavij ona aftheltic FREEK likae avcstor OLADSSASIPO hasant sdhasha beena playings in liake mongolia ors asome shit? mane you gotasta geta your shatsi togeather.

YOUARE: thea fuckin plastic athermomameter thign thats pops outta the aturkey whenits done. yre a pice a plastic. ASPIEC OF APLASTIC AN HAFLF OF ITSA LREADY MELTEDD INSAIDE THE BIRD!3

Five Things We Saw

  1. Haoly shit… Shaahsha Vucccuvic…nowait nowait… NICK VUJCAVIC.. Yyah that’s the aguy. Nik KILLLLLLd us tonight. Polez cnd’t keepa bODY ON HIM—Noone could keep a bodya on him ATLA ALL! FUCKIN WHATA THEAF UCK POLEZ LOPEZ I Maeaen! ARE Vocavic and vujacic related? i feal like the rusians or Turks or awhatever interachachange the V and the J A lot.
  2. but waita. Come here andn lemme wisper in yer ear for asecond. JUST GIMME YOUR EARS you guys. Guyas you knowa who REAFALLLY Killed us? Vaktory oLdipo. OLUDIPP KILLLLLLLLLLLED US! Fishher htaght itd be agood idea to put the VUCACIC on OLADAIPO! THAT’S’ CRAY CRAY CRAyzs.
  3. Cn we tlak about the scond unt reel quick? Les talkabut the seccnd unit real qiuk yaguys. They were soooO Good fir soooo long, but thn all sudden lateeley they’vae been toooootaLY OUT OFSORTS. No penastration, no continuiuity, guys not hitin there shots lika FUCKING EVER, ATALL
  4. Al that said now, there weree SOM intresging things Fishher did rotatioionaioally speeking. GrantnGlloway came inat the samef time to start thesecaond quirter. Then ZINGER ACTHUALLY startgted the FOURTH! I MEANHOLY SHITT OU GUYS! N he played allteh way to the endd! Now thatsaid that saida athat said… dooes he REALLLAY knowa whats he’s doin? I measn realy?
  5. IMAENWHATAREAYA GONNA DO? We went 282 on the roadtrip so thata’s not all that bad. but wihat it DID DO…. WHAT IT did DO you guys…hera’s what it did: it explosed some vaery REAL flaws with this team. Thebench isn’t quiate nearly asg good aswe thought. Our ofense HAS to worka on its spacing issues….. what aelse? ithink thas it ac for real I think thats. It. I’mma go sleeeep onathe porch awhre its cool now ands qute possasibly thrwoa up... BUT... HBEFAORE IS DO... HAPPSY THASNKGIVNGNI YOU GUYS...stuffs yer afaces proud. oK nnnnnow imam htrhow up fro reasl this timew

Knicks 93, Thunder 90

Editor’s Note: Following Friday’s far-too-nerve-racking win over the Oklahoma City Thunder, Knickerblogger was given exclusive access to rookie sensation and newly crowned Latvian Dictator for Life Kristaps Porzingis. By “exclusive,” of course, we mean “a battalion of Knicks PR supervised the interview with sniper rifles trained on my skull at all times.” Nevertheless, we were able to translate Zinger’s PR-savvy English — solid as it was — into Latvian, and then back into English again. The result is an unfiltered account of New York’s hair-raising win, from the perspective of the franchise’s once and future savior.

New York Knicks 93 Final
Recap | Box Score
90 Oklahoma City Thunder
Carmelo Anthony, SF 35 MIN | 9-20 FG | 1-3 3FG | 6-8 FT | 5 REB | 1 AST | 1 STL | 1 BLK | 3 TO | 25 PTS | -1 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: Melo’s a great player. He was a little streaky today, but got baskets when we needed them the most. I think he had 15 points in the first half? Anyway, he had a nasty baseline spin for a dunk in the third quarter, hit another turnaround. Probably wasn’t his best game, but he came through when we needed him.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: Sometimes when I’m carrying the team’s laundry, Melo will run up from behind and jump on the bag so the strap buckles my shoulder and I collapse into a heap of bones. This is what makes him a leader. That, and our secret handshake, which entails the two of us facing one another, jumping up once in unison, and him smacking me across the face as hard as he can. I enjoy this bonding.

Robin Lopez, C 33 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-0 3FG | 5-5 FT | 7 REB | 2 AST | 0 STL | 3 BLK | 6 TO | 7 PTS | 0 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: I think RoLo struggled a little bit tonight. He gave us those two huge free throws, obviously, and a few big rebounds. I’m not sure what happened on that inbounds to Jose, but he’s a big part of our team and will continue to be. Plus he breeds gerbils in his hair.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: Robin is the only person I’ve ever met who has a stack of comic books exclusively for the shitter. There were a few times tonight when I was convinced he was on Quaaludes. I haven’t seen such terrible hands since my uncle Karis drank the whole bowl of vodka and raisin punch at the Porzingis family reunion and tried to catch the arrows in "archery chicken," which is exactly what it sounds like.

Jose Calderon, PG 30 MIN | 4-7 FG | 2-2 3FG | 0-0 FT | 4 REB | 7 AST | 3 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 10 PTS | -5 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: Jose was efficient, you know? He’s been around a long time and knows what the team needs. He hit his shots when he had them, and didn’t let Westbrook get to his spots too easily. Another guy I really admire.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: Do any of you know how old Jose actually is? He’s 44. He got drunk one night and showed me his birth certificate. He thinks he’s pulled this elaborate scam. It’s remarkable, really, this 44-year-old point guard still holding down the fort. He also has a uniquely old-school approach to hazing: just straight up taking my money at gun point, then cackling.

Arron Afflalo, SG 29 MIN | 6-11 FG | 2-3 3FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 3 TO | 14 PTS | +4 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: A-ron-ron is a pro, you know?. Came up with huge baskets throughout the game, played some good D on Westbrook down the stretch. He just brings stability on both sides of the floor, and I think we all trust him. Melo especially.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: Sometimes when Arron shoots the trajectory is so low I’m afraid it’s going to hit me in the eyes. You think Melo’s hazing is bad? You know what Afflalo made me buy for him at the store and deliver to his house the other day? Douchebags. Actual douchebags. “At least four different varieties,” he told me. “Or I’ll tattoo my name on your ass with a Bic pen and a lighter.”

Kevin Seraphin, PF 11 MIN | 0-3 FG | 0-0 3FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 2 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 0 PTS | +2 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: When Kevin gets into rhythm, he’s really hard to stop. I think Fish had some ideas about the rotation and that’s why Kevin didn’t see much time. But he’s so skilled on offense. I can learn a lot from him.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: If there’s one thing that Kevin Seraphin has taught me about being an NBA player, it's that whenever you can heave a 19-foot jump hook with your man so close to your face you can smell his tongue, you gotta do it.

Andrea Bargnani, PF

42 MIN | 9-13 FG | 1-1 FT | 5 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 0 TO | 19 PTS | +4

Aw, go twirl a cattle prod.

Derrick Williams, PF 16 MIN | 3-5 FG | 2-3 3FG | 1-4 FT | 3 REB | 2 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 9 PTS | +1 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: Again, another guy who’s instant energy—can do a lot of things. I know how hungry he is to make a statement, and sometimes he can get a little fast. But hit some big shots when we needed them, for sure.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: Oftentimes, after a practice or game, when we’re all sitting in the locker room, I’ll look over and see four or five of Derrick’s dreadlocks playing poker. Then as soon as they see me they all just throw their cards and flop down like nothing happened. All anyone else ever sees are playing cards falling from D-Will’s head for no reason at all. But I know. I’ve seen.

Kyle O'Quinn, PF 4 MIN | 0-1 FG | 0-0 3FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 0 PTS | +1 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: I think Kyle’s struggled a bit lately, and that’s probably why he didn’t see much playing time tonight. But he’s such a talented player. He’s so versatile. He’ll figure it out.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: Kyle O’Quinn haunts my dreams, often appearing as an axe-wielding centaur with wild eyes and blood in his beard. I’m assuming this is related to his parting words to me always being, “I am an axe-wielding centaur with wild eyes and blood in my beard. You will never sleep again.”

Lance Thomas, SF 20 MIN | 5-9 FG | 2-3 3FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 12 PTS | +5 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: What can you say? A veteran guy who’s worked so hard on his game—he came up with some huge plays tonight. That dunk off Gallo’s steal, a big three during our third-quarter run. He does whatever it takes, and I respect that.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: Aside from spraying me with mace before I get in my car after practice, Lance has actually been pretty good to me.

Langston Galloway, PG 20 MIN | 2-4 FG | 1-2 3FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 2 AST | 5 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 5 PTS | -1 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: I thought Gallo played really well when he was in there. Hit a few shots, was really active on D. I think he had four steals? Not really sure why coach kept him on the bench, but that’s the way it went.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: I’m assuming Galloway pissed in Fisher’s salad crisper, because there’s literally no other explanation for his only logging 14 minutes. He’s the best guard on this team, and it’s not even close. Perhaps he had a glass shard lodged in his spine, or was vomiting so much from the flu his teeth started falling out. I’d still have his children.

Jerian Grant, PG 13 MIN | 1-3 FG | 1-1 3FG | 1-2 FT | 4 REB | 2 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 4 PTS | +8 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: He’s gonna be special, man. I’m looking forward to spending my career with him. I think we were all happy to see him hit that three after all of his struggles. Once he figures the NBA game out, the sky’s the limit.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: That dude’s shot needs some work. Like “this car has two wheels and a family of dead gophers where the engine should be”-type work.

Sasha Vujacic, SG 4 MIN | 0-1 FG | 0-1 3FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 0 PTS | 0 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: Sasha played? Oh, well, he’s been great to me, you know? He knows the offense; Fish knows him from their playing days. He’s been a great teacher for me.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: I honestly don’t remember him playing. I just know he keeps sitting next to me on the bench and telling me about the orgies in Phil Jackson’s sweat lodge and how they had to stop them because Mark Madsen would show up unannounced yelling about cocaine.

Kristaps Porzingis, PF 26 MIN | 2-5 FG | 1-2 3FG | 2-4 FT | 6 REB | 2 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 2 TO | 7 PTS | +1 +/-

WHAT KRISTAPS SAID: You know, I thought I played okay. I hit that three to start the game, but fell asleep a few times on D. Ibaka was being pretty aggressive, so it was good I put the ball on the floor. I wanted to be there in the end, but I respect coach’s decision. It’s a process.

ENGLISH-TO-LATVIAN-TO-ENGLISH-TRANSLATION: YOU DISEASED PIG SPLEENS KNOW NOT THE MAJESTY OF OVARY-SEWING POWERS I POSSESS. I AM KRISTAPS, SON OF TALIS, BLOOD-HEIR OF GULURPIS THE BALTIC OCEAN HAWK, WHOSE GOLDEN TALONS CLAW THE CARRION OF MAN, WHOSE BEAK SCOOPS YOUR FEEBLE VISCERA LIKE THE LUNGS OF SO MANY MEDIUM-SIZED RODENTS, AND WHOSE WINGS GAVE SURVEY TO ALL THE LANDS OF LATVIJA. IT WAS GULURPIS WHO BADE MY BASKETBALL POWERS AND SEXUAL TOUCH, AND IT IS YOU WHO WILL BOW QUAKING AT MY BONY, PREPUBESCENT KNEE CAPS, WHILST I SIT ASTRIDE A THRONE ADORNED WITH THE SKULLS OF THOSE VANQUISHED BY MY PUTBACK DUNKS. I AM LATVIATHAN. BRING ME TO YOUR NEAREST SHAKE SHACK AND INFUSE ME WITH CALORIES. AND THEN PERCHANCE LOAN ME A KEY TO THE GYM SO THAT I MAY PRACTICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF THREE AND EIGHT A.M., FOR I LOST MINE WHILST EVACUATING MY SEED SNAKE INTO MY TOO-SMALL TOILET.

Mike Woodson

Force of habit, I guess.

Five Things We Saw

  1. The Thunder were without Kevin Durant (any y’all out there say the Thunder was, go wilt arugula or something), which can tend to throw a shitwrench into things. Russell Westbrook has been otherworldly, because duh, but the Knicks seemed perfectly content with letting Russ feast on the stubbled, Iberico-cured corpse of Jose Calderon. Which, by some ethereal force I do not understand, never really happened. Let us not question it.
  2. If I’m Serge Ibaka, and I see I’m being checked by a 20-year-old blond child on stilts, I’m drooling enough to spawn lily pads on the floor. As it was, Ibaka was invisible for much of the game (though he was diligent about bodying Kristaps up away from the basket). Maybe he has tuberculosis?
  3. Shooting 12 of 20 from deep helps, obviously. As does this: https://twitter.com/HerringWSJ/status/667894786368495617
  4. The Bocker second unit held down the lead with their typical pluck and aplomb. Of course, it doesn’t hurt when your opponent’s bench looks like they rolled straight off the bus from the Gathering of the Juggalos. When Lance Thomas and Derrick Williams are causing you procedural confusion, your planets are trapped in some unholy house.
  5. Right as Russell Westbrook was amping up for a good ol’ fashioned throat spraying, the boys and blue came up with big buckets in big moments—punctuated by Melo and Afflalo’s opposing baseline jumpers. The result was a signature win against a very good opponent (however conspicuously shorthanded) on the road in a hostile environment where most of the fans either slaughter cows with handsaws or siphon oceans of deathgas for a living. Sorry not sorry.
  6. We’re not gonna talk about the last three minutes. Mostly because why ruin a good thing, right?!?!?!?!?!?!? But also because I, like many of you, spent those three minutes biting my nails so feverishly I actually gnawed a few fingertips off. I had to dictate this bullet point to my dog, who, bless her soul, now has my blood all over her. I should probably leave a note to my wife explaining this.

Zen and the Art of Triangle Maintenance

Hi! Jim here. It’s been a while. I once had a life and no kids. Now I have a kid and no life. Funny how that works.

Anyway, I’ll hopefully be back up around these parts for semi-regular recaps and whatnot. In the meantime, Mike said I should be linking out to Knicks-related stuff I’m writing for other sites.

So here’s something I wrote for The Cauldron (which you should definitely follow) about Phil Jackson teaching the Knicks the triangle. I’ll let you decide if it actually happened or not.

Here’s the link. And here’s The Cauldron again.

<3 u guys

Mavs 110, Knicks 108: Off the Rock Quarry

EDITOR’S NOTE: After a tumultuous stint with his hometown Knicks, Metta World Peace was waived today (along with Beno Udrih). Being the gentleman he is, Metta left a letter in each of the Knicks’ lockers. (He did not.)

Dallas Mavericks 110 Final
Recap | Box Score
108 New York Knicks
Amar’e Stoudemire, PF 20 MIN | 3-5 FG | 3-3 FT | 2 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 9 PTS | -8

Hebrew National,

Must feel good to start for once, I know the injuries and stuff have been frustrating. You gotta be quicker on the rotations, but I think the goggles are weighing you down. Also you gotta think about passing out of the double team. Prevents cholera. And grabbing more than two boards. Dick Bavetta coulda done that.

For real though I respect your religion. Sons of Abraham. I didn’t mean to put bacon in your locker that one time. I was trying to cure it before breakfast. That wasn’t fair. I owe you a sock for that.

Peace,

Peace

Carmelo Anthony, SF 42 MIN | 14-29 FG | 9-9 FT | 9 REB | 4 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 4 TO | 44 PTS | +2

Sam,

Pretty rough night, Sam. That shot by Dirk was some bullshit bro. That’s that German voodoo. Kinda forced the issue, had some bad turnovers. But you caught your groove like you always do. That trailing three was butter, got things started. Did you know margarine is one molecule away from being plastic? Look it up. Way to bring the guys back in the first half. Never fun having Marion on you. Smells like a dentist office.

I took this to Twitter, so you probably heard it already, but I think you’re great and you need to be more vocal. This is your team. You been showing it, and you showed it tonight gain. Shape them. Like clay or meat. Really sorry we couldn’t win a title together, but I think your time is yet to come. Oh that reminds me Dolan said he wanted to talk to you, so you should go up to his office tomorrow. Just make sure you knock. I made that mistake once. Now I can’t eat gravy no more.

Love,

Ron

Tyson Chandler, C 36 MIN | 5-5 FG | 2-4 FT | 12 REB | 0 AST | 1 STL | 2 BLK | 4 TO | 12 PTS | -14

Chandler Ring,

If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were taking some plays off. Yeah the final stat line was good, and you came up big with that And 1 in the 4th. But you look like you don’t like us a lot of times. Them I mean. Not us. I retired. Heading to Miami to do some marlin fishing and maybe shave a penis into Norris Cole’s hair.

I don’t know where this team is headed but if they are gonna get better they need you to be the old you. Not the one in Depends playing Battleship with an empty chair. The guy that took Dirk and them boys past LeBron. That guy. Anyway you know were brothers. I think once we both retire we should invest in numbers. That’s where the game’s headed. Just guys throwing those old Chinese counters at each other. Abacus. Had to look that one up.

Peace,

Taco Test

Raymond Felton, PG 34 MIN | 3-4 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 7 AST | 2 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 8 PTS | -7

Rayson,

You remind me of Steve Blake. Same composure most of the time. Next time you see Steve ask him to tell you about the time we took the governors off the golf carts at Pebble Beach. Actually don’t ask him to tell you that story because he can’t talk. Just moves his mouth in certain ways when he wants something.

Good game tonight, even though Woody kept you on the pine there at the end. Didn’t try to do too much, hit your jumpers, although that’s the ugliest motherfuckin jumpshot I’ve ever seen. I know you get a lot of shit, but keep your head high, like a pilot. End of the day you got mad money to go out and buy a zoo or AOL or something. Remember chat rooms? I used to go in there pretending to be Felipe Lopez and picking up old people.

<3

Metta

Pablo Prigioni, PG 28 MIN | 3-5 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 4 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 8 PTS | -2

Jose,

I don’t think coach understands how much you bring to the table. That oop to Tyson was beautiful. I can tell you get frustrated with all the switching. Remember when I snuck real switches from trees into practice and starting lacing Cole on the legs? Wish you would shoot the open three more, those two you made were money. I might name my next kid after you, whenever I make it.

I’m sorry I thought you were Cuban. Us brown people have to stick together. I really learned to look up to you the time I was there. You probably never figured out who was lifting your English Leather. Well it was me. Actually I switched it out with Beno’s hair shit. Hey I think you should ask for a buyout too. Then I can show you around Queensbridge, introduce you to other Dominicans. Just don’t wear jean shorts.

MWP

Jeremy Tyler, PF 5 MIN | 0-1 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 0 PTS | -5

Tokyo Tyler,

I don’t know why coach didn’t play you more. You have a future in the league even if your defense is lacking. Can’t bite on those Dirk moves, just hold your ground. If I were you I’d find another team to play for next year, you see what these guys have done to Shump. Poisoned his Fruit Loops.

We didn’t hang out a lot but that time we played laser tag in IKEA was pretty fun. Did you know the meat balls are made of horse? That’s against my religion. STAT will eat em though.

Take Care,

MWP

Cole Aldrich, C 8 MIN | 1-1 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 2 PTS | +12

Cole,

You know you don’t gotta go to the barber every day right? Actually don’t grow your hair out, I bet it looks like a possum. I’m amazed you survived New York for this long. Your welcome in my neighborhood any time.

Don’t,

No

Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 31 MIN | 4-10 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 10 PTS | +8

Bitch,

You pick up my dry cleaning? Just kidding I made Cole go get it on a Citi Bike I loosend the bolts on. Dry cleaning confuses me. Bet they use a really hot blowdryer. Must suck going from the national championship to this shit your first year. From the frying pan into the toaster. But if you want to start eventually you can’t be lazy about closing out on D, especially on Vince and Montay and guys like that. Bet your dad is chewing your ass out right about now. Believe me I played against him. One mean dude. Once told me I shoulda been a BJ.

Love,

Metta

J.R. Smith, SG 35 MIN | 7-16 FG | 0-0 FT | 4 REB | 7 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 4 TO | 15 PTS | +4

Earl,

I thought you played a helluva game for the most part. You’re really good when you’re lookin to distribute and get other dudes involved. I thought you got fouled on that last shot, but you gotta learn to throw your belly or your hair into him. And stop going under so many screens, that’s how guys like Carter kill you and kittens die.

Glad we could enjoy being knuckleheads together. Sorry I didn’t enjoy the Greenhouse that time you took me. I couldn’t see a goddam thing in that place. Kept checkin’ my phone for the St. John’s score. Gotta win the WAC.

MWP

Mike Woodson

Cooch,

Sorry things didn’t work out. You’re a good man and I respect you. But I told you all that switching would get you in trouble. Just like the swinger’s club. First you’re with the person you’re supposed to be with and next thing you know…bam… STDs.

Maybe this isn’t the place for you. You seem confused all the time like watching Memento for the first time. Man that movie blew my mind. Basketball isn’t that complicated tho. Sometimes you look like you’re trying to figure out the big bang theory when all you should be thinking about is why Ray is on Dirk for the 10th play in a row. I’ve said too much already. Thanks for the memories and the car.

This ink is squid poison.

Five Things We Saw

  1. The Knicks committed six turnovers in the first four minutes of action, helping spur the Dallas attack. Which basically consisted of [WAIT FOR IT] really basic [WAIT FOR IT] pick and rolls that resulted in [WAIT FOR IT] either wide open three-pointers or [FUCKING WAIT FOR IT] simple dumps to cutters for [WAIT FOR IT] dunks. The Mavs were up 31-22 after one, and it looked like the Garden was poised for another bummer of a blowout. Just as a quick aside, our friend Chris Herring pointed this out, and it warrants retelling: The Knicks finished last season ranked 27th in the NBA in defending the pick and roll and yet somehow – by dint of an almost demonic dedication to futility – have only gotten worse.
  2. As luck would have it, the Mavs are almost as bad – ALMOST – in that very department, with the predictable result being the Knicks clawing their way back into the fray thanks to their own tidy slew of open looks. And it would remain close for the duration, which, fuck you, Knicks.
  3. Vince Carter scored 23 points, 21 of them on three-point looks so clean they could’ve pasteurized milk. What’s worse, I don’t think he burned more than 300 calories doing it. Just a classic example of “Alright, the old man’s hot so just leave him open WHOOPS OK probably won’t hit two WHOOPS alright fine he’s having a good night but there’s no way WHOOPS this is bullsh—WHOOPS WHOOPS WHOOPS OK maybe I should fight a little harder around WHOOPS I give up WHOOPS.” Classic example.
  4. Both teams were sloppy, but the Knicks were far more consistent in their basketball carelessness – stepping errantly out of bounds, getting whistled for offensive fouls, making dumb passes, the whole gamut. And the Mavs made them pay: 25 points off of 19 turnovers, to be exact.
  5. Harold Ramis died today, as you all probably know. We’ll have something Ramis-specific coming down the pike shortly, but I think a couple of things bear mentioning here: In the pantheon of comedic geniuses – whether acting, writing, or producing – Ramis is right up there with the best of the best. To say he will be missed would be a tragic understatement.
  6. I, like many of you, love Groundhog Day, which happens to be one of Ramis’ finest works. For y’all that have seen it, the Knicks parallels are…. Well, they’re almost too easy. Before tonight, I always considered it little more than a kind of intermittently amusing association – a simply case of reality being, in this narrow basketball sense, stranger than fiction. But after Dirk’s shot careened round the rim and up and back down with the gentlest tickle of twine, I realized why that movie really does so perfectly capture our collective angst: It’s not just that Phil Connors keeps experiencing the same day over and over again; it’s that every day ends with him reaching increasingly taut levels of disastrous despair. It’s the difference between going to bed after that first terrible loss and assuming the whole nightmare was nothing more than a strange, isolated anomaly… then kidnapping a celebrity rodent and driving a stolen truck straight off the end of a fucking rock quarry. Tonight was the rock quarry. Put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb…
  7. [SPOILER ALERT] How does Bill Murray’s character eventually break the cycle of Sonny and Cher and shitty middle-Pennsylvania ennui? By being a better person and making better choices, and doing both of those things to increasing degrees every day he wakes up – choices that consider the tomorrow he never thinks will come. Until it finally does.