(EDITOR’S NOTE: The first three bullet points are by that sartorial dandy, Jim Cavan. Credit [or blame] should be duly apportioned)
|Carmelo Anthony, SF 23 MIN | 4-12 FG | 4-5 FT | 7 REB | 5 AST | 12 PTS | +16
Let’s let the great Elvis Costello handle this one. Sing along, kids!
He’s a fine figure of a man and handsome too
He’s got all the things you need and some that you will never
I hope that you’re happy now like you’re supposed to be
He’s acting innocent and proud still you know what he’s after
Not a great shooting night, but tough defense on Granger and more than a few swell passes out of traffic. I hope you’re happy now, Melo. Because you’re certainly playing as if your shrunken, Grinch-like heart has grown three sizes to-day. Keep doing ish like this and there’ll be plenty of joy in Knickville.
|Amare Stoudemire, PF 28 MIN | 3-9 FG | 2-2 FT | 6 REB | 0 AST | 8 PTS | +14
STAT had a few moments of springy bliss, but he also boinked quite a few wholly makeable shots. His defense, however was seriously improved. I guess he is a one-dimensional player, but can chose one and only one dimension to inhabit per game. Dimensions Per Game (DPG), as a quantitative statistic, will be thoroughly investigated at next year’s Sloan Conference at MIT
|Tyson Chandler, C 27 MIN | 8-11 FG | 0-0 FT | 7 REB | 0 AST | 16 PTS | +23
I have no doubt that in an extra large seat way in the back of the Pacers’ chartered flight, Roy Hibbert is curling himself into a fetal ball, his body wracked with fever, surrounded by a stack of spent asthma inhalers he’s been banging hits off of, trying desperately to get a buzz and eradicate every memory from his pummeled cortex of the seemingly thousand-limbed, scowling, Grendel-like behemoth who obliterated his game tonight. TYSON SMASH
|Landry Fields, G 33 MIN | 1-5 FG | 5-8 FT | 7 REB | 4 AST | 7 PTS | +3
Speaking of potentially drug-addled performers, Fields was seriously channeling Chuckie Knoblauch tonight . It’s truly perplexing how godawful and out of control some of his “dishes” can be considering he delivered with aplob on more than a few pick and rolls. Throughout the 1st quarter he looked like he’d gobbled twelve pixie sticks and chased it with a case of Jolt Cola, to both good and ill effect — deflecting passes, snagging a gaggle of boards and the aforementioned ugly turnovers. For the youths out there — Jolt is a highly caffinated soda that one drank before the Reds Bulls came along. Durned whippersnappers…git offa my e-lawn!
|Jeremy Lin, PG 26 MIN | 3-7 FG | 6-6 FT | 5 REB | 5 AST | 13 PTS | +17
For all the hurly burly from the fourth estate in today’s fish wrappers about Lin losing his starting role and the ephemeral qualities of “Linsanity”, the pun-tastic headlines and t-shirts it inspired, Young Master Jeremy played a very solid, in control game in which the ball was, in fact, in his hands for a vast majority of his time on the floor. He didn’t force shots, did a swell job of keeping Darren Collison on the perimeter, and would have had at least 4-5 more assists if his teammates hadn’t blown so many bunnies at the tin.
Media feeding frenzy aside, he’s a good, developing point guard. Wait, does that sound too measured? Right…JEREMY LIN IS A GOLDEN GOD. I LOVES HIM SO MUCH. HIS FARTS SMELL LIKE LAVENDER AND HE’S WELCOME TO MARRY MY SISTER. Much better…
|Mike Bibby, PG 3 MIN | 1-2 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 1 AST | 3 PTS | -5
Mike Bibby: Human Victory Embalming Fluid.
|Baron Davis, PG 7 MIN | 3-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 1 AST | 7 PTS | +6
Before suffering a strained filamentous biomaterial found in the follicles in the dermis around the mandible (beard), the Baron was having hisself a nice lil’ game. Hopefully he’s taking undergoing a serious course of dihydrotestosterone and will heal up right quick. Like by tomorrow. Pretty please? but this is not as the testosterone you mainly use to improve your health, check this list !
|Jared Jeffries, PF 10 MIN | 2-3 FG | 1-3 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 5 PTS | +7
A short stint for Jared, who astoundingly has become a crowd favorite. Jared-y things abounded, but folks will remember him, like an ectomorphic Maxiimus, whipping the crowd into a semi-delirious frenzy as they demanded that Woodson throw the saddest lion of them all, Mike Bibby into the arena.
|Steve Novak, SF 20 MIN | 4-8 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 12 PTS | +4
The other day when the ‘Bockers were getting their hides tanned by the right proper San Antonians, I remarked that when Stever Novak was guarding Matt Bonner it was like he was facing his ideological doppelganger, possibly resulting in a collapse of the multiverse. Tonight, when Novakaine took on that slope-browed knucke-dragger, Tyler Hansbrough, I kept flashing to the movie Vision Quest. For those who missed it, the plot centers around an remarkably un-athletic Matthew Modine furiously trying to drop weight and/or bed Linda Evangelista (she’s nekkid at one point in the flick, Teehee!) whilst he preps for a HS wrestling match versus a local tough named “Shoop.” Spoiler alert: Novak/Modine wins, just like tonight! Plus, the uber-informative Clyde Frazier tonight informed us that “He’s [Novak} always coming to the game & touching my suits.” I’ll let y’all decide what to make of that.
|J.R. Smith, SG 27 MIN | 6-11 FG | 2-2 FT | 3 REB | 3 AST | 16 PTS | +10
Smith appears to have found his shot. It was clearly buried in a headless woman’s posterior, hence the tweet. I was going to mention the smart play that J.R. pulled at the end of the 3rd to hold for the last shot, but any thought of uttering “smart” and “Smith” in the same sentence was obliterated by his late game sausage impersonation. Woodson yanked him tout suite and appeared to tell him in no uncertain terms to CUT THAT ISH OUT. Good. I’m still prematurely worried this is going to come back to bite them in the tuckus tomorrow. Of Smith, Mike Breen, in what may be the understatement of the current millenium said, “He doesn’t seem to get it.” Ya think?
|Jerome Jordan, C 3 MIN | 0-0 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 1 AST | 0 PTS | -5
You may recall that my Pop thinks Landry Fields should be called “Larry Fields,” because he just doesn’t cotton to players with two last names. Tonight he called me during the 4th and added that he doesn’t like players with two first names either. Jordan Jerome does sound slightly better, don’tcha think?
|Iman Shumpert, G 26 MIN | 3-7 FG | 2-2 FT | 3 REB | 2 AST | 9 PTS | -2
Iman was going full throttle during, as the eminence grise, Marv Albert, would say, “Serious gar-BAHZ” time. Shump Shump only knows two speeds, “Ridiculous speed” and “Ludicrous Speed” for all you spaceballs fans out there.
|Josh Harrellson, F 8 MIN | 3-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 7 PTS | -13
Jorts made some nice backdoor cuts and evidently his outside shot wasn’t left in a blood-stained heap surrounded by spare tendons, ligaments, and gristle in some backwoods country doctor’s operating table/taxidermist’s office.
Five Things We Saw
- JIM CAVAN SEZ: The dust has barely settled on Mike D’Antoni’s nuclear departure, and already his former team has bludgeoned their first two post-tenure opponents by a combined 57 points. Fifty-seven, as in approximately the number of times this season alone that I’ve taken Vida Blue fastball grips on my possessions and hurled them at walls. The “new coach honeymoon” phenomenon is a familiar one, but I can’t recall seeing one quite this torrid – at least in the NBA. At this point, D’Antoni has to feel like the cast-off wife whose ex just sent them a DVD labeled “I’m sorry,” only to throw it on and find out it’s actually three hours of him doing tantric with the new flame.
- JIM CAVAN SEZ: The Knicks were a mere six buckets away from having 10 players score in double figures. As such, doesn’t look like Woodson’s propensity for platoon substitutions is going anywhere any time soon, particularly if the bench continues to contribute as they have these first two games. For a guy often identified as harboring “conservative” basketball philosophies, this Bolshevik share the wealth shit is as surprising as it is refreshing.
- JIM CAVAN SEZ: Conventional wisdom has it that Mike Woodson’s notoriously short point guard leash will go further in undoing Linsanity than any sticky-handed forward ever could. While we haven’t seen the chain yanked on Lin yet, Woodson did make it a point to pump BDizzle’s breaks on his behalf after an errant second quarter pass. But there’s nothing in the Basketball Bible to suggest the laisez faire approach taken by D’Antoni is necessarily better than Woodson’s – for all we know, Lin might actually respond better if he knows four turnovers in two minutes or trying to thread a 60-foot bounce pass between eight legs could mean watching the rest of the game swimming in Jort farts.
- I SEZ: Apparently one thing that didn’t get the boot along with Mr. Pringles is the tradition of having a different stunningly attractive woman sitting behind the Knick bench just to the left of Coach [insert head coach’s name]’s shoulder. The thing is, it’s not the same acteonizingly pretty female, leading me to believe that there’s a horde of model/actress friends who are sharing the cost of those jillion dollar fancy Spike Lee-type seats. I also hope that I they read Knickerblogger, find my prose witty and charming and will either let me use their tickets or maybe just brush their hair or listen to them complain about what mean, mean-faced jerks their rich boyfriends are while we play Tori Amos CD’s. Hey, if this team can execute a neck-spraining 180 turnaround like this, anything is possible. Hope springs eternal!
- I SEZ: So you know how I went all “Dazed and Confused” in the Game Thread? Well, ironically, said film stars Jason London, an actor who happens to have an identical twin brother named Jeremy who is famous for the TV show, “Party of Five.” You remember? Jennifer Love Hewitt, pre-Lost Matthew Fox, Neve Campbell? Kind of a big deal. Anyhoo, I actually appeared in a film with the other London brother. It’s a pretty awful straight to DVD bit of tripe called, “Chasing the Green.” If you scroll waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy down, you’ll see me, under my stage name, Robert Saietta (long story). I had two scenes w/Jeremy “Party of Five” London. You know how in a movie when two people are talking you’ll see the shot from one person’s point of view and then the other? It’s called an OTS shot (over the shoulder). When you’re shooting it, you’ll do the whole scene over one person’s shoulder with multiple takes, etc. and then move the camera, lights and do it from the other person’s POV. For my scenes, we spent about an hour doing all his lines w/the camera over my shoulder pointed at him. Then, when the time came to shoot w/the camera on me Mister London left to go sit in his trailer and told an assistant director read his lines with me. You know, cause he’s such a big star he doesn’t have to deign to act when the camera isn’t squarely on his precious mug. I was so taken aback, so flummoxed I didn’t even say anything. I was about to ask someone what the eff was going on but the director didn’t even bat an eye. I’ve since discovered that this isn’t an uncommon event, but long story short, JEREMY LONDON IS DICK. Back at it tomorrow, mes gars!