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Knicks 117, Nuggets 90: Low Key in Sochi

February 7, 2014February 8, 2014 Jim Cavan 33 Comments

EDITOR’S NOTE: As most of you probably noticed, Clyde was not on booth duty for tonight’s game, having left yesterday to attend the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Afghanistan. However, he did manage to compose an email for every Knick that suited up. They arrived by giant water-borne Popov bottle just moments ago.

Denver Nuggets

Final
Recap | Box Score

117

New York Knicks

	Carmelo Anthony, SF 33 MIN \| 12-21 FG \| 3-3 FT \| 3 REB \| 2 AST \| 1 STL \| 1 BLK \| 3 TO \| 31 PTS \| +18
	Tyson Chandler, C 23 MIN \| 6-7 FG \| 0-1 FT \| 8 REB \| 0 AST \| 3 STL \| 0 BLK \| 4 TO \| 12 PTS \| +15
	Raymond Felton, PG 28 MIN \| 4-5 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 8 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 9 PTS \| +16
	Pablo Prigioni, PG 22 MIN \| 0-0 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 6 AST \| 4 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 0 PTS \| +18
	Iman Shumpert, SG 17 MIN \| 2-5 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 4 TO \| 5 PTS \| +18
	Jeremy Tyler, PF 22 MIN \| 5-9 FG \| 2-3 FT \| 11 REB \| 2 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 12 PTS \| +18
	Amar’e Stoudemire, PF 20 MIN \| 7-12 FG \| 3-3 FT \| 8 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 17 PTS \| +2
	Cole Aldrich, C 6 MIN \| 1-1 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 0 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 2 PTS \| +6
	Toure’ Murry, SG 10 MIN \| 1-2 FG \| 1-2 FT \| 2 REB \| 0 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 3 PTS \| +2
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 30 MIN \| 4-9 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 10 PTS \| +13
	J.R. Smith, SG 24 MIN \| 5-12 FG \| 1-2 FT \| 0 REB \| 2 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 13 PTS \| +3

Knicks 117, Cavs 86: Letters to David

January 31, 2014January 31, 2014 Jim Cavan 86 Comments

EDITOR’S NOTE: Tonight was David Stern’s final Knicks game as NBA Commissioner. A few hours before tipoff, the Knicks were asked to write a short letter to Stern highlighting some of the ways the outgoing chief had touched their lives over the years. These are their letters.

Cleveland Cavaliers 86 Final
Recap | Box Score 117 New York Knicks

Carmelo Anthony, SF 30 MIN | 8-17 FG | 10-12 FT | 5 REB | 1 AST | 1 STL | 1 BLK | 2 TO | 29 PTS | +9

Yo Commish,

It’s been great working with you. When I came into the league I was just a kid, and you helped me keep my head on straight and get rid of that haircut. They say it’s a star’s league and you sure know how to take care of your stars. Remember that time me and LeBron [REDACTED] and then you had Silver come [REDACTED]? That was some funny shit. Anyway I hope you have a great retirement. Any time your in NYC be sure to hit me up. We’ll go that [REDACTED] up in [REDACTED] with all the [REDACTED] you tried getting numbers from after we [REDACTED]. Good times.

Much Love,

Melo

Tyson Chandler, C 32 MIN | 4-4 FG | 3-5 FT | 8 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 3 BLK | 1 TO | 11 PTS | +27

Dear Commissioner Stern,

I’ve never liked you. I don’t like your face. I don’t like your hair. I don’t like your glasses. I don’t like your suits. I don’t like your teeth. I don’t like your wife. I don’t like your pet monkey Silver. I don’t like your shoes. I don’t like your voice. I don’t like your Subaru. And I don’t like your face.

Just kidding boss congrats have fun.

Tyson

Raymond Felton, PG 36 MIN | 5-10 FG | 2-2 FT | 5 REB | 9 AST | 1 STL | 2 BLK | 4 TO | 12 PTS | +33

Dear David,

Thank you for your service to the league. Every time I see you at an NBA event or All Star weekend you hand me your keys thinking I’m the valet, even though we shook hands at the Draft. But that’s OK. I liked parking your car. I’ve never driven a Subaru before. I didn’t know you were a Soulja Boy fan but it was playing pretty loud when I started the car. I’m a fan too. Speaking of cars I don’t know if this is the right place to tell you this but Andre Miller still hasn’t given my car back from when I let him borrow it in Denver. Just thought you should know.

Peace,

Ray

Pablo Prigioni, PG 22 MIN | 0-0 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 4 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 0 PTS | +15

Mother David,

I would please like to belief that you are a wonderful basketball boss. When I come to league I was very old but you make me feel like baby. I hope that when you expire you may airplane down to my country. Here we will eat wine and I show you my roof filled with many grazing steaks. During day we can car to the plaza and purchase many short blue jeans, and at night we can disgust our loved game. I would like also you to taste my car collection. I have long empty road in front of my castle so we can swim fast. Thank you for letting me pray in America. It is a wonderful country and the peoples have very strange smells.

With a Heart That Is Bleeding and Yet Fantastic With Love,

Pablo

J.R. Smith, SG 35 MIN | 8-16 FG | 1-3 FT | 4 REB | 2 AST | 1 STL | 1 BLK | 0 TO | 19 PTS | +16

Hey,

Shoes untied. [REDACTED]

Yours Truly,

Earl

PS — Use the money to pay for Cleveland’s ankle surgeries.

Jeremy Tyler, PF 22 MIN | 4-6 FG | 0-1 FT | 6 REB | 1 AST | 2 STL | 1 BLK | 2 TO | 8 PTS | +14

Commissioner Stern,

I’m not gonan lie, I’m still pretty pissed you made that rule about high school kids that made me go to Japan. I thought it was a good idea at first but then I got there and that Mr. Baseball movie wasn’t lying. I broke four showerheads my first week there. You don’t know what it’s like stepping on people all the time. But I got my chance and now I’m happy, so thanks for making the NBA great. You’re pretty short too so don’t get stepped on out there.

Jeremy

Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 30 MIN | 11-17 FG | 1-1 FT | 3 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 29 PTS | +10

Dear Mr. Stern,

We haven’t gotten the chance to get to know eachother, but everyone says you were a great commissioner. Well, my dad says you were a mother-effer, but I think he meant that in a nice way. You know how my dad gets. Anyway I’m glad I got to put on a show for you for your last game at the Garden. I kept giving you the monocle after I’d make a basket but you looked like you were choking on water a lot. Hope you’re alright. I know my uncle PJ Brown says choking is fun but I don’t think it really is. I hope Adam Silver is as good as people say you were. I sometimes have nightmares of him biting my neck. I should talk to someone.

Good Luck,

THJR

Cole Aldrich, C 8 MIN | 0-1 FG | 2-2 FT | 3 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 2 BLK | 2 TO | 2 PTS | +5

Dea rCom mis sioner,

Iapologize ifth is ishard to r e ad but I have to wr i te wit h my mouth on acc ount m y han ds do n ‘t work sowell% g oo dlu ckwith vrything.

You rs,

Cloe

Toure’ Murry, SG 6 MIN | 1-1 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 2 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 2 PTS | +2

Mr. Stern,

Thanks for signing the balls and also my checks.

Toure’

Metta World Peace, SF 19 MIN | 2-4 FG | 0-2 FT | 6 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 5 PTS | +24

Hari Krishna,

You know what the Vikings said about forgiveness? Nothin. But I think we should forgive each other. I was wild back in the day. Like a giraffe. That’s how I learned to steal lunch from the window washers. We should get together over All Star break down in the French Quarter. You know why they call it that right? Because same money buys you four times the trouble. Napoleon said that. HA! Remember when I was an All Star that one time? You probably wanted Scott Pollard. I don’t blame you. He’s an Aquarius. Hopefully once we’re both retired we can hang out at the golf course. Stack Jack and I go golfing with baseball bats. By hole five we have the course to ourselves. I actually invented the Arnold Palmer, but I call it the Peace Palmer. Did you know I rap? I’m putting out an album this summer. It’s called Taco Talk. I had cab drivers record all the beats. The Arab ones were the best. See you out there.

Jah Bless,

Metta

Five Things We Saw

Simply put, the Cavaliers are like that time the lake in front of their city caught on fire. That’s how polluted and toxic the situation has become. You could read it in their movements, see it on their faces, and hear it in the emptiness that was their communication. The Cavaliers are bad, they are lost, and we beat the holy hell out of them. Like any half-decent team should.

To achieve this, the Bockers burst out of the gate with the aplomb – and the small-ball lineup – that we’ve seen for going on a week. The rock ricocheted around the floor when it had to, stuck to Melo’s stove-hot mit when it wanted to, and generally continued looking like an extension of the team’s very basketball being. The looks were clean and unencumbered, the strokes confident and followed through. The spacing was [mostly] ideal, and the chemistry — mercifully, finally — looks locked-in, hopefully for the long haul.

Is it just me, or does Kyrie Irving have a very distinct Richie-Tenenbaum-just-took-off-his-shoes vibe going on? I know he’s intimated that he would like out off of the flame-engulfed oil tanker that just careened into an iceberg please, but man, he’s not doing a very good job of hiding it where it matters most.

As you’ve probably gathered from the above, David Stern was in attendance tonight – his final Knicks game as Commissioner. I can’t offer anything that hasn’t been or won’t be said in the myriad retrospectives and oral histories guaranteed to exhaust our open tabs in the coming days and weeks. But I will say this: Thank you for inventing an envelope-sized freezer.

By my count, that’s four wins in a row. Celebrate accordingly.

Knicks 125, Bobcats 96: The Ecstasy of Victory

January 24, 2014January 26, 2014 Jim Cavan 32 Comments

Charlotte Bobcats

Final
Recap | Box Score

125

New York Knicks

	Beno Udrih, PG 7 MIN \| 1-3 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 3 PTS \| -8 Look man, I know you and coach haven’t been on the best terms or anything. But I can see why you’d wanna be traded. It’s tough here. We just want you to be happy. “We” meaning me and Destiny over here. Beno, this is Destiny. Destiny, show Beno your teeth. They glow in the dark! I’ve never even heard of that! I met her at this party last Saturday. We were smoking a butt outside and – DESTINY! GET OFF OF THAT! She has this thing about climbing stop signs. I don’t know. Hey, do you have a cigarette by chance?
	Tyson Chandler, C 19 MIN \| 1-2 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 6 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 2 BLK \| 1 TO \| 2 PTS \| +22 Tyson! It’s all happening! Seriously, what was it like watching Melo? I think we finally turned a corner, Tyson. It’s been tough for you and Woody. I get that, but…. Just make amends. Give him a hug. If there’s anything I learned from hanging out with the Stone Roses, it’s that love conquers all, Tyson. Man, my teeth… can I chew on your beard? Just for a second, I’m out of smokes. Here, just let me chew – ow! Wait, where are you going? TYSON! TYSON COME BACK! I WANT YOU TO HEAR THIS HAPPY MONDAYS ALBUM!
	Cole Aldrich, C 15 MIN \| 1-4 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 8 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 2 PTS \| -10 Way to grind, big fella! I know Al gave you some problems – dude’s crafty as hell, not much you can do about it. But you hung in there! Crashed the boards! You’re going to be super important with Bargs out. I hope you know that. I’ll be honest, I thought you’d be more muscular. Like a buffalo herder or something. You’re actually surprisingly supple. Will you hug me? If you hug me I’ll give you some Jolly Ranchers I have in this neon backpack. Actually, I’ll trade you some Jolly Ranchers for a smoke. You don’t smoke? Will you just scratch my head then? Just scratch my head. Right there. That’s it. Have you seen my backpack?
	Pablo Prigioni, PG 22 MIN \| 1-2 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 3 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 3 PTS \| +21 Dude, you should be playing more. For real. You’e SUCH a good leader, SUCH a good person. The ball just MOVES when you’re on the floor, you know? There’s a quiet INTENSITY there that the guys just follow. It’s really profound. I love you, Pablo. I do. I love you. You’re Spanish, right? Have you been to Ibiza? We should have a cigarette.
	Iman Shumpert, SG 19 MIN \| 2-6 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 3 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 4 PTS \| +12 Dude, you were fiiiine. One of those nights when the shadows suited you better, you know? Man, that word feels pretty good to say. Shadows. Shhhadows. SHOOOOODOOOOWS. SHAdows. HA! Man, gimme a hug, Shump. Bring in close! Oof. You’re the best. Do your lungs feel hot? My lungs feel hot. The air, it’s really warm. It’s nice. Do you have any gum? You know what they should invent? Cigarette gum. Two birds with one stone! HIGH FIVE SHUMP! HA! HIT IT AGAIN! AHAHAHAHAHAHA P.L.U.R.R.!!!!!!
	Raymond Felton, PG 28 MIN \| 5-9 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 5 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 11 PTS \| +28 C’mere you fluffy little penguin you! AHHHHHH! HUG ME! SERIOUSLY SQUEEZE ME! HARDER! HARDER! HARDER! AHHH! You had it GOIN tonight, Ray! That stutter-step drive for the lay-in, the way you looked to find Melo when you knew he was dialed in – beautiful. You know what else was beautiful? That three you hit the front of the rim and just kind of rolled gently into the hoop. That kind of night! SO SOFT! Is your skull soft? Lemme touch it. HA! It’s weird, though – why do you keep dribbling off your feet? Does it feel good? My feet feel good right now. We should totally foot-wrestle! Dude it’ll feel so good! C’mere Ray! Foot-wrestle me Ray! Ray I love you! I’m thirsty. We should drink some water and smoke, like, 10 cigarettes.
	Toure’ Murry, SG 7 MIN \| 3-4 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 6 PTS \| -8 Toure’! Toure’ you scamp! Toure’ I’m not gonna lie, you KIND OF LOOK HIGH ALL THE TIME. I know you’re probably not. Yeah that stuff’s bad. Hey when you’re getting really low on defense, do you feel like a GIANT PERAGRIN FALCON, LIKE SWOOPING DOWN ONTO A HIMILAYAN TREE BRANCH! Cuz that’s what I imagine it feels like. Feels. Feeeeeeelz. Dude can I bum a smoke?
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 31 MIN \| 4-8 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 3 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 10 PTS \| +20 TIMMY! LET ME JUMP ON YOU! AHAHAHAHAHA! TIMMY! Wait, Timmy, hold on. That first jumper? The one that hit EVERY PART OF THE RIM before it dropped through. I wanted to be the rim. How GOOD would that feel? HAHAHAHAHAHA. You sure got your touches late! You made the most of them! I love you, Tim. And how you SMOKED McBob on that drive! HAHAHAHAHA. Hey, do you have any smokes?
	J.R. Smith, SG 31 MIN \| 5-9 FG \| 1-1 FT \| 2 REB \| 4 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 14 PTS \| +25 JR MAN where are we man oh my god these LIGHTS these BODIES this is AMAZING! You were SO in the GROOVE tonight, man. Some SICK passes. That lob to TYLER? Some real CHEMISTRY there man! Then that behind-the-back to Ray in the third! HOLY SHIT! JR HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN JUMPING UP AND DOWN FOR? IT FEELS LIKE A WEEK I’VE BEEN JUMPING UP AND DOWN BUT SHIT IT FEELS AMAZING. I’M SO THIRSTY. I WANT TO LICK SOMETHING. I’M GOING TO GO LICK THE DJ. WILL YOU STAY HERE? JUST STAY HERE? ACTUALLY DO YOU HAVE ANY GUM?
	Jeremy Tyler, PF 22 MIN \| 4-8 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 5 REB \| 1 AST \| 1 STL \| 2 BLK \| 0 TO \| 8 PTS \| +9 DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! WE BELIEVED IN YOU, JEREMY! YOU JUST NEEDED YOUR CHANCE AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! FLYING AROUND THE RIM AND POKING THE BALL AWAY FROM JEFFERSON AND THROWING DOWN LOBS AND TWO-STUFFING PARGO. I FEEL LIKE I’M SAYING THESE WORDS BUT YOU WON’T HEAR THEM FOR AT LEAST A FEW SECONDS – THIS WEIRD DELAY. MY MOUTH WON’T STOP. ANYWAY YOU TOTALLY BELONG AND HAVE YOU EVER ROLLED YOUR OPPOSING FINGERS AGAINST ONE ANOTHER LIKE THIS – ISN’T THAT AMAZING IT’S LIKE THERE’S MARBLES ON THE ENDS OF YOUR FINGERS OR LIKE THAT PAINTING WHERE BRO’S TOUCHING GOD’S FINGER DUDE HAVE YOU EVER TRIED EATING A GLOWSTICK HAHAHAHA DON’T IT’S REALLY BAD IT SENT ME TO THE HOSPITAL AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IMSOTHIRSTY!
	Carmelo Anthony, SF 39 MIN \| 23-35 FG \| 10-10 FT \| 13 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 62 PTS \| +34 HAHA NICE SHOT MELO WHOOO! AH NICE SHOT AGAIN! DUDE, MELO CAN’T MISS THIS IS CRAZY GIVE ME A HUG HOLY GOD HE HAS 16 ALREADY I JUST BIT MY TONGUE AND IT DOESN’T EVEN HURT DUDE HOLD MY HAND AHHHHH 22 IN THE FIRST QUARTER DUDE HE COULD GO FOR 60 HOW NUTS WOULD THAT BE YEAH GIVE ME THAT WATER SORRY I DRANK IT ALL OMG OMG OMG OMG HE’S NOT MISSING WHAT’S HE GOT LIKE 30 NOW DUDE WHAT COLOR WERE THESE THINGS ANYWAY 32 34 ARE YOU KIDDING ME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE HIT IT FORM HALF COURT 37 GET THE %$@& OUT OF THERE ARE YOU$#%&* KIDDING ME HE’S GUNNIN’ FOR KOBE I CAN FEEL IT YEAH WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO THE BATHROOM NO DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME I’LL JUST BE WASHING MY HANDS UNDER WARM WATER WOW NOW IT’S HOT JUST LIKE MELO GET IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OK JUST GONNA GNAW ON THIS PORCELAIN SINK JUST GIMME A SEC OK QUICK GIMME A CIGARETTE I’M GONNA SMOKE IT IN THIS STALL OK I NEED WATER WAIT LET’S BUY FOAM FINGERS AND HIT EACHOTHER IN THE FACE HAHAHAHAHA THAT’S SO MUCH FUN UN OK BACK TO THE GAME OH MY GOD MELO AGAIN AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! 40! 45! 50! HE’S GOT 55 WITH NINE MINUTES LEFT CAN I TOUCH HIM WHAT IF I TRY TO TOUCH HIM WILL THEY TACKLE ME THAT MIGHT BE KIND OF FUN I’M SURE THEY’D UNDERST – 60 JUST ONE MORE BUCKET PASSES KOBE PASS THAT PUNK HE DID IT OHMYGODI’MSWEATINGSOOOMUCH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE GOT KOBE BERNARD I LOVE YOU HE GOT KOBE QUICK SOMEONE TRACE THEIR FINGER ALONG MY PALM WHO HAS A CIGARETTE YES A MENTHOL IS FINE
	Mike Woodson Guh… GuhhaAAAAH *cough cough* Wait, where am I? Why am I naked? I feel like someone dropped an industrial-sized anvil on my face. Did I chew rocks last night? Was I gnawing on someone’s leg for multiple hours? Where’s my backpa–OH MY GOD! Who are you, and why are you in my apartment!? Don’t touch me!

Pacers 117 STOP Knicks 89 STOP

January 16, 2014January 17, 2014 Jim Cavan 53 Comments

Editor’s Note: Our humble correspondent originally planned on filing a game recap in the traditional manner, i.e. on the internet and mildly under the influence. However, the technological infrastructure of Indiana made this impossible: The state is run by a cadre of Amish warlords, and most residents believe technology of any kind — cars, televisions, most hand tools — to be Satan reincarnate. Thus, this recap was filed by rather strange means: a barely functioning Siemens telex telegraph machine located in a Bankers Life Field House utility closet, a rotting wood hulk covered in dust and cobwebs, with heavily-used keys glossed over by a thick film of whiskey and Cracker Jack residue.

New York Knicks

Final
Recap | Box Score

117

Indiana Pacers

	Carmelo Anthony, SF 31 MIN \| 8-17 FG \| 9-9 FT \| 7 REB \| 1 AST \| 0 STL \| 1 BLK \| 2 TO \| 28 PTS \| -16 Stormed out of gate like rutted bull in stop sign factory STOP Quite literally couldnt miss STOP Oh no he missed STOP Missed again STOP Again STOP Again STOP Again STOP Now tired STOP You would be too if pack mule for bunch of clowns STOP One day he will shoot turnaround and explode into blood vapor cloud STOP Also lost Ian Mahimni twice which seems close to impossible STOP After turnover looked at Ray as if ran over Melos dog with lawnmower STOP If I were him would consider finishing career in Siberian prison league STOP Has to be better than this STOP
	Tyson Chandler, C 26 MIN \| 4-8 FG \| 5-8 FT \| 9 REB \| 3 AST \| 0 STL \| 1 BLK \| 1 TO \| 13 PTS \| -15 Must have contracted Spanish Flu STOP May actually have only one lung STOP Or no lungs and just breathing through skin or elaborate gills STOP Almost left game due to complications from said illness STOP When in somewhat ineffective against Indy rim attack STOP Looked better as game wore on but out of hand by then STOP Has been in league for 14 years and runs like totem pole STOP Can we really be surprised might be breaking down STOP Did convert some opportunities on offense rebounded at good rate STOP That last line might be happiest thing I transcribe tonight STOP Does anyone know if Amish sell moonshine STOP Or varnish STOP
	Raymond Felton, PG 29 MIN \| 5-10 FG \| 1-1 FT \| 4 REB \| 5 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 4 TO \| 12 PTS \| -19 Came ill prepared STOP Ran offense as if dribbling canon ball STOP Went from capable marshalling to dereliction of duty in split second STOP Shooting form supposed to be hand in cookie jar not hand in wheat thresher STOP Spent more energy flailing arms at ref than navigating picks STOP Last seen yelling at tarmac controllers because he missed plane STOP At certain point no one cares you grew up dribbling on dirt court STOP
	Iman Shumpert, SG 20 MIN \| 1-4 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 5 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 2 PTS \| -10 Why wasnt on George more frequently STOP Was afterthought on defense STOP Continues to dribble like car dealership flapping balloon men STOP What is his future on team STOP Seems like only effective after hot start STOP On night when Lance when HAM looked resigned to middling irrelevance STOP Could be nature of team construction STOP Pretty sure this telegram paper made out of corn husks STOP
	Andrea Bargnani, PF 32 MIN \| 3-9 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 7 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 2 BLK \| 2 TO \| 6 PTS \| -23 STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP
	Kenyon Martin, PF 7 MIN \| 0-1 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 0 PTS \| -6 Presence crucial in giving Hibbert et al actual weight to bench press STOP Only managed seven minutes before ankle injury STOP So much for bench pressing STOP I could probably bench press Chandler STOP Kenyon is tough walked off on own power STOP Which hed do if shot in face with anti aircraft device STOP
	Jeremy Tyler, PF 7 MIN \| 2-3 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 4 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 4 PTS \| -6 Honestly thought was James White for second STOP I know garbage time but still looks like he belongs STOP If Chandler continues coughing organs and Kenyon disintegrates what other options are there STOP Play the guy more see what he has STOP Whats worst could happen STOP He gets injured too STOP Dont be a smartass Western Union Machine STOP
	Amar’e Stoudemire, PF 14 MIN \| 3-6 FG \| 2-4 FT \| 3 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 8 PTS \| -12 Came out loose and focused STOP At least on offense STOP On defense doesnt know where he is STOP Landed awkwardly on leg STOP Thought it exploded STOP Turned out to be ankle STOP Walked off on own power STOP Why God STOP Is this because he read Torah backwards to forwards like normal books STOP This is why people hate Old Testament God STOP So spiteful STOP So angry STOP Feel better STAT STOP
	Beno Udrih, PG 16 MIN \| 0-3 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 4 AST \| 0 STL \| 1 BLK \| 1 TO \| 0 PTS \| -10 Might as well hang raw meat on strings over his shoulders STOP No chance at all against this team STOP Not fair at all to Beno STOP Seriously wasnt playing with Bostjan Nachbar in Olympics bad enough STOP
	Toure’ Murry, SG 3 MIN \| 0-2 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 0 PTS \| +1 Hundred percent JR has Murry carrying his stash in Barbie backpack STOP
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 21 MIN \| 2-10 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 4 PTS \| -6 Totally over his head STOP Fast developing conscience of Viking berserker STOP Tried guarding Lance Stephenson disappeared in the muscle and felony fog STOP Weighs more than exactly one Pacer Ben Hansbrough STOP Wait not on team anymore STOP Landed awkwardly on left wrist what the holy fuck STOP Seriously though these injuries STOP Are we entirely certain team didnt murder Haitian priestess STOP Dad wont let him hear end of it STOP
	J.R. Smith, SG 28 MIN \| 6-12 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 4 REB \| 1 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 12 PTS \| -18 Nietzsche would not understand Knicks STOP Presumably transported Woodson to Indiana by rickshaw STOP Came out smooth confident if streaky STOP Lost man at other end myriad times STOP Literally walked to half court and handed ball to Stephenson for circus and 1 STOP Speaking of Stephenson cannot believe we passed him for Landry Fields Andy Rautins STOP Is this the fucking Twilight Zone STOP
	Mike Woodson Asked him about East is Big philosophy STOP Said he never said that STOP Claims said Yeast is Big STOP As in big component in pizza STOP Proceeded to explain so called pizza recipe STOP Featured five pounds of five different meats STOP Press conference got awkward so someone changed subject STOP Asked Woodson who he might start tomorrow STOP Said probably Melo STAT Chandler Tyler and Aldrich STOP Why we asked STOP Because West is small he said STOP

Knicks 102, Heat 92: PRANKS

January 10, 2014January 10, 2014 Jim Cavan 91 Comments

Miami Heat

Final
Recap | Box Score

102

New York Knicks

	Andrea Bargnani, PF 42 MIN \| 9-13 FG \| 1-1 FT \| 5 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 1 BLK \| 0 TO \| 19 PTS \| +4 HOW HE PLAYED: For a guy who purportedly “forgot” the Knicks were playing the Heat tonight, Bargs was spectacularly efficient in the half-court, leveraging his mid-range game with timely aplomb – even if he’s often so homed-in that he misses wide open cutter(s). The defense was, once again, a stew of spoiled dog meat and New Coke. Still, the nerves seemed just stable enough to put to rest any concerns of a Playoff pants shitting. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Told STAT that his friend, Jackie Mason, wanted to meet him after the game at the corner of Broadway and West 254th Street. But that he’d better have a table saw ready to go, or no jokes. He’s still standing there.
	Carmelo Anthony, SF 42 MIN \| 12-24 FG \| 2-3 FT \| 8 REB \| 5 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 29 PTS \| +6 HOW HE PLAYED: It took a bit to brush off the rust, but once he did, Melo was masterful: hitting shots in rhythm, finding cutting and spacing teammates at opportune times, boarding like a beast, and generally exerting his will onto a narrative he somehow knew had gotten away from him. Did a good job on LeBron — who had a great game in his own right — but I’ve long-wondered: Why is it that James pumps the breaks a bit whenever he has Melo one-on-one? Is it an abundance of respect? Deficit of respect? Neither? Anyway, cut and paste this performance for the remainder – even on average – and there’s no reason why this team can’t be a three-seed. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Filled Cole Aldrich’s locker with extremely venomous King Cobras. Reports later surfaced of a Manhattan cabbie picking up a “very tall, polite white man with snakes on his face,” who requested that the driver “Please take me to a doctor. Please. Thank you. Please drive faster, I’m blind. Thank you.”
	Kenyon Martin, PF 24 MIN \| 3-6 FG \| 1-2 FT \| 4 REB \| 1 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 7 PTS \| 0 HOW HE PLAYED: The very day Mike Woodson justified his use of big lineups to reporters with “The East is big, man,” Kenyon Martin used a severed finger to circle this game on his Yoga Kitty calendar. The numbers don’t jump off the screen, but the moments – a veteran shove here, a stealth swipe and deft possession-saving hook there – were indispensible. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Hit Bargnani in the face as hard as he could with a floor buffer – just picked the whole thing up and knocked him out cold. Melo had to pull K-Mart aside and explain what a “prank” is.
	Raymond Felton, PG 39 MIN \| 6-14 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 5 REB \| 14 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 13 PTS \| +3 HOW HE PLAYED: Let’s get the foibles out of the way first: Ray wasted no fewer than seven possessions jackhammering the ball on the perimeter late in the shotclock only to initiate the offense in time to fly towards the rim like a condor that’s been shot out of the sky. On the flip side, came up with some huge buckets, and spearheaded a bevy of beautiful possessions out of the pick and roll. Fourteen dimes? Yes’m. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: During pregame shootaround, shot a spitball right into the eyeball of Jim Todd, who immediately had flashbacks to ‘Nam. As in Putnam, Oklahoma, where Todd was once attacked by a band of meth-addled truck drivers at the local Waffle House.
	Iman Shumpert, SG 43 MIN \| 4-8 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 9 REB \| 3 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 12 PTS \| +14 HOW HE PLAYED: Looked in danger of disappearing to the periphery for much of the first, before a third-quarter three-point explosion ignited him and 18,000 screaming souls around him. Had a few bonhead bites on defense, but made up for it with some beastly work on the boards. By the end, he didn’t just look like he belonged – he was acting like it. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Covered a five-square-foot parcel in front of Woodson’s office with Crisco and thumbtacks, doused the band-aids in the first aid kit with acetone, replaced the Bactine with a small flame-thrower, switched the emergency button on the office phone to connect to 1-800-SHE-HIMS.
	Amar’e Stoudemire, PF 27 MIN \| 7-12 FG \| 0-2 FT \| 11 REB \| 0 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 4 TO \| 14 PTS \| +19 HOW HE PLAYED: Spent waaaaaaaaaay too much effort and energy going after Birdman Anderson – heretofore known as Indian Mystic Grizzly Adams. But even that’s a minor quip in what was, on the whole, a remarkably steady offensive performance. And yet another example of how, for all his lingering limitations on defense, Stat will be a useful commodity if and when Woody finally comes to grips with how righteously fucking absurd his “EAST BIG” mantra really is. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Told Bargs that his friend, Pope Francis, wanted to meet him after the game at the corner of Broadway and West 254th Street. But that he’d better have a table saw ready to go, or no elaborate birdhouses. He’s still standing there.
	Toure’ Murry, SG 10 MIN \| 1-1 FG \| 1-2 FT \| 0 REB \| 1 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 3 PTS \| +5 HOW HE PLAYED: If there was one guy I half-expected to spend most of his minutes sliding around the court on pools of his own pee, it was Murry. Color me corrected. Even in limited burn, Toure’ yielded some glorious glimpses: splitting a double team, snatching a transition steal, even hitting a beautiful mid-range jumper. With Felton back in the fold, it’s difficult to say what Murry’s role should be, though we probably all agree it should be more than whatever Woodson says it should be. HOW HE HONRED J.R.: Gave J.R. a 60-block piggy-back ride back to his apartment, probably.
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 14 MIN \| 2-4 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 1 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 5 PTS \| -1 HOW HE PLAYED: If anyone’s going to be less affected by the Knicks-Heat history, it’s the son of the dude who SERIOUSLY $%#& TIM HARDAWAY. Got things going with a huge corner three seconds after stepping in, and gave the crowd much-needed life with a freakish put-back slam made all the more incredible by the fact that he looked like he was putting at most 75% effort into jumping. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Successfully convinced Felton that the Chris Copeland Honorary Pink Barbie Bag was actually a jetpack that could be activated by telling Yo Mamma jokes to Kenyon Martin. Followed this up by convincing Felton that the Chris Copeland Honorary Pink Barbie Bag replaces blood platelets if eaten.
	J.R. Smith, SG DNP COACH’S DECISION MIN \| FG \| FT \| REB \| AST \| STL \| BLK \| TO \| PTS \| HOW HE PLAYED: Switched out Melo’s inhaler with a can of mace. Jammed a crowbar into the gears of the handicapped elevator. Dropped a bucket full of live lobsters into Darrel Walker’s hot tub. Switched out Tyson’s flu medicine for rubbed-down blue Transformers. Downloaded four gigabytes worth of snuff films onto Felton’s computer. Bought Pablo a round trip ticket to Argentina; the flight went to Pakistan. Planted a spring-loaded grip of heroin needles in Toure’s mailbox. Loosened all the bolts on K-Mart’s Power Ranger Huffy. Bought Felton a $500 gift certificate to the Cheesecake Factory; expired in 2009. Taped over Shump’s most recent demos with sounds of dying pigs and live recordings of Hoobastank. Replaced Beno’s hair gel with melted hot glue sticks. Paid an usher to deliver a note to Paul Simon reading “I think Simon & Garfield and all music from the 90s is hot <3 Kate”. Convinced James Dolan to invest $18 million in a for-profit clown college. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Learned how to tie his own shoes.
	Mike Woodson HOW HE COACHED: He was fine. HOW HE HONRED J.R.: Crop-dusted J.R.

Five Things We Saw

After three early possessions ended in horrendous late-shot clock heaves, cresting the 60-point mark seemed like a reasonable goal. But the Knicks managed to find just enough cracks in Miami’s façade – Melo passing out of the double-team, Felton initiating the P&R, Shump going straight HAM in spite of all logic – to turn the pressure back on the Heat. The end result: 54% shooting against a defense with one of the most devastating on-off switches in recent NBA history. A template to follow, to be sure.
Speaking of which, the Knicks only turned the ball over 10 times. You take that 100 times out of 10. Better still, the Heat only managed 14 points off said cough-ups.
I lost track of all the celebrities in attendance tonight. I remember Kate Upton. And Kate Upton. I think Kate Upton was there. And Paul Upton. Kate Simon. Upton Lee was there. Duchovny Upton. Woody Kate. Mary Kate and Ashley Upton. Upton Holmes. Former President Kate Clevaland. Kate Caeasar. Jesus Upton. Kate Upton was there. Kate Upton. Hi Kate.
We weren’t lights-out from distance by any means, but 9-24 against a team as taut on their rotations as the Heat is found money for sure.
LeBron and Wade were great, and the rest of the Heat were anywhere from pedestrian to downright liabilities. But even Wade — he of 11-15 from the floor — found his own Kryptonite, missing all SIX of his free throw attempts. SIX! ZERO FOR SIX! Miami was 11-21 overall, which is decidedly not good, according to this copy of Nancy Sinatra’s biography I’m holding in my hand.
“Signature win” is one of those loathsome things that gets thrown around, but damn if my sentimentality isn’t getting the best of me tonight. There were injuries on both sides, sure. It’s mid-January in a season measured as much in men down as it is in months, sure. The Heat are playing chess while we’re re-learning to master checkers, fine. But even if this was just managing to move the pawn, that the pain has gone away – even for a night – makes it easier to dream of dawn. And that’s a Knicks prank I can live with.

Grantland: What Is Charles Smith Doing in North Korea?

January 8, 2014January 8, 2014 Jim Cavan 20 Comments

Hi!

We all remember Charles Smith. I certainly do. He ruined my life.

But what in holy hell is he doing in North Korea?

My investigative report.

2014 Game Thread: Knicks vs. Pistons

January 7, 2014January 7, 2014 Jim Cavan 216 Comments

Raymond Felton’s back! Yeah!

Anyone?

…Anyone?

	Carmelo Anthony, SF 33 MIN \| 12-21 FG \| 3-3 FT \| 3 REB \| 2 AST \| 1 STL \| 1 BLK \| 3 TO \| 31 PTS \| +18
	Tyson Chandler, C 23 MIN \| 6-7 FG \| 0-1 FT \| 8 REB \| 0 AST \| 3 STL \| 0 BLK \| 4 TO \| 12 PTS \| +15
	Raymond Felton, PG 28 MIN \| 4-5 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 8 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 9 PTS \| +16
	Pablo Prigioni, PG 22 MIN \| 0-0 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 6 AST \| 4 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 0 PTS \| +18
	Iman Shumpert, SG 17 MIN \| 2-5 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 4 TO \| 5 PTS \| +18
	Jeremy Tyler, PF 22 MIN \| 5-9 FG \| 2-3 FT \| 11 REB \| 2 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 12 PTS \| +18
	Amar’e Stoudemire, PF 20 MIN \| 7-12 FG \| 3-3 FT \| 8 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 17 PTS \| +2
	Cole Aldrich, C 6 MIN \| 1-1 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 0 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 2 PTS \| +6
	Toure’ Murry, SG 10 MIN \| 1-2 FG \| 1-2 FT \| 2 REB \| 0 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 3 PTS \| +2
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 30 MIN \| 4-9 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 10 PTS \| +13
	J.R. Smith, SG 24 MIN \| 5-12 FG \| 1-2 FT \| 0 REB \| 2 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 13 PTS \| +3

	Beno Udrih, PG 7 MIN \| 1-3 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 3 PTS \| -8 Look man, I know you and coach haven’t been on the best terms or anything. But I can see why you’d wanna be traded. It’s tough here. We just want you to be happy. “We” meaning me and Destiny over here. Beno, this is Destiny. Destiny, show Beno your teeth. They glow in the dark! I’ve never even heard of that! I met her at this party last Saturday. We were smoking a butt outside and – DESTINY! GET OFF OF THAT! She has this thing about climbing stop signs. I don’t know. Hey, do you have a cigarette by chance?
	Tyson Chandler, C 19 MIN \| 1-2 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 6 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 2 BLK \| 1 TO \| 2 PTS \| +22 Tyson! It’s all happening! Seriously, what was it like watching Melo? I think we finally turned a corner, Tyson. It’s been tough for you and Woody. I get that, but…. Just make amends. Give him a hug. If there’s anything I learned from hanging out with the Stone Roses, it’s that love conquers all, Tyson. Man, my teeth… can I chew on your beard? Just for a second, I’m out of smokes. Here, just let me chew – ow! Wait, where are you going? TYSON! TYSON COME BACK! I WANT YOU TO HEAR THIS HAPPY MONDAYS ALBUM!
	Cole Aldrich, C 15 MIN \| 1-4 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 8 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 2 PTS \| -10 Way to grind, big fella! I know Al gave you some problems – dude’s crafty as hell, not much you can do about it. But you hung in there! Crashed the boards! You’re going to be super important with Bargs out. I hope you know that. I’ll be honest, I thought you’d be more muscular. Like a buffalo herder or something. You’re actually surprisingly supple. Will you hug me? If you hug me I’ll give you some Jolly Ranchers I have in this neon backpack. Actually, I’ll trade you some Jolly Ranchers for a smoke. You don’t smoke? Will you just scratch my head then? Just scratch my head. Right there. That’s it. Have you seen my backpack?
	Pablo Prigioni, PG 22 MIN \| 1-2 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 3 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 3 PTS \| +21 Dude, you should be playing more. For real. You’e SUCH a good leader, SUCH a good person. The ball just MOVES when you’re on the floor, you know? There’s a quiet INTENSITY there that the guys just follow. It’s really profound. I love you, Pablo. I do. I love you. You’re Spanish, right? Have you been to Ibiza? We should have a cigarette.
	Iman Shumpert, SG 19 MIN \| 2-6 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 3 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 4 PTS \| +12 Dude, you were fiiiine. One of those nights when the shadows suited you better, you know? Man, that word feels pretty good to say. Shadows. Shhhadows. SHOOOOODOOOOWS. SHAdows. HA! Man, gimme a hug, Shump. Bring in close! Oof. You’re the best. Do your lungs feel hot? My lungs feel hot. The air, it’s really warm. It’s nice. Do you have any gum? You know what they should invent? Cigarette gum. Two birds with one stone! HIGH FIVE SHUMP! HA! HIT IT AGAIN! AHAHAHAHAHAHA P.L.U.R.R.!!!!!!
	Raymond Felton, PG 28 MIN \| 5-9 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 5 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 11 PTS \| +28 C’mere you fluffy little penguin you! AHHHHHH! HUG ME! SERIOUSLY SQUEEZE ME! HARDER! HARDER! HARDER! AHHH! You had it GOIN tonight, Ray! That stutter-step drive for the lay-in, the way you looked to find Melo when you knew he was dialed in – beautiful. You know what else was beautiful? That three you hit the front of the rim and just kind of rolled gently into the hoop. That kind of night! SO SOFT! Is your skull soft? Lemme touch it. HA! It’s weird, though – why do you keep dribbling off your feet? Does it feel good? My feet feel good right now. We should totally foot-wrestle! Dude it’ll feel so good! C’mere Ray! Foot-wrestle me Ray! Ray I love you! I’m thirsty. We should drink some water and smoke, like, 10 cigarettes.
	Toure’ Murry, SG 7 MIN \| 3-4 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 2 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 6 PTS \| -8 Toure’! Toure’ you scamp! Toure’ I’m not gonna lie, you KIND OF LOOK HIGH ALL THE TIME. I know you’re probably not. Yeah that stuff’s bad. Hey when you’re getting really low on defense, do you feel like a GIANT PERAGRIN FALCON, LIKE SWOOPING DOWN ONTO A HIMILAYAN TREE BRANCH! Cuz that’s what I imagine it feels like. Feels. Feeeeeeelz. Dude can I bum a smoke?
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 31 MIN \| 4-8 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 3 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 10 PTS \| +20 TIMMY! LET ME JUMP ON YOU! AHAHAHAHAHA! TIMMY! Wait, Timmy, hold on. That first jumper? The one that hit EVERY PART OF THE RIM before it dropped through. I wanted to be the rim. How GOOD would that feel? HAHAHAHAHAHA. You sure got your touches late! You made the most of them! I love you, Tim. And how you SMOKED McBob on that drive! HAHAHAHAHA. Hey, do you have any smokes?
	J.R. Smith, SG 31 MIN \| 5-9 FG \| 1-1 FT \| 2 REB \| 4 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 14 PTS \| +25 JR MAN where are we man oh my god these LIGHTS these BODIES this is AMAZING! You were SO in the GROOVE tonight, man. Some SICK passes. That lob to TYLER? Some real CHEMISTRY there man! Then that behind-the-back to Ray in the third! HOLY SHIT! JR HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN JUMPING UP AND DOWN FOR? IT FEELS LIKE A WEEK I’VE BEEN JUMPING UP AND DOWN BUT SHIT IT FEELS AMAZING. I’M SO THIRSTY. I WANT TO LICK SOMETHING. I’M GOING TO GO LICK THE DJ. WILL YOU STAY HERE? JUST STAY HERE? ACTUALLY DO YOU HAVE ANY GUM?
	Jeremy Tyler, PF 22 MIN \| 4-8 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 5 REB \| 1 AST \| 1 STL \| 2 BLK \| 0 TO \| 8 PTS \| +9 DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! WE BELIEVED IN YOU, JEREMY! YOU JUST NEEDED YOUR CHANCE AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! FLYING AROUND THE RIM AND POKING THE BALL AWAY FROM JEFFERSON AND THROWING DOWN LOBS AND TWO-STUFFING PARGO. I FEEL LIKE I’M SAYING THESE WORDS BUT YOU WON’T HEAR THEM FOR AT LEAST A FEW SECONDS – THIS WEIRD DELAY. MY MOUTH WON’T STOP. ANYWAY YOU TOTALLY BELONG AND HAVE YOU EVER ROLLED YOUR OPPOSING FINGERS AGAINST ONE ANOTHER LIKE THIS – ISN’T THAT AMAZING IT’S LIKE THERE’S MARBLES ON THE ENDS OF YOUR FINGERS OR LIKE THAT PAINTING WHERE BRO’S TOUCHING GOD’S FINGER DUDE HAVE YOU EVER TRIED EATING A GLOWSTICK HAHAHAHA DON’T IT’S REALLY BAD IT SENT ME TO THE HOSPITAL AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IMSOTHIRSTY!
	Carmelo Anthony, SF 39 MIN \| 23-35 FG \| 10-10 FT \| 13 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 62 PTS \| +34 HAHA NICE SHOT MELO WHOOO! AH NICE SHOT AGAIN! DUDE, MELO CAN’T MISS THIS IS CRAZY GIVE ME A HUG HOLY GOD HE HAS 16 ALREADY I JUST BIT MY TONGUE AND IT DOESN’T EVEN HURT DUDE HOLD MY HAND AHHHHH 22 IN THE FIRST QUARTER DUDE HE COULD GO FOR 60 HOW NUTS WOULD THAT BE YEAH GIVE ME THAT WATER SORRY I DRANK IT ALL OMG OMG OMG OMG HE’S NOT MISSING WHAT’S HE GOT LIKE 30 NOW DUDE WHAT COLOR WERE THESE THINGS ANYWAY 32 34 ARE YOU KIDDING ME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE HIT IT FORM HALF COURT 37 GET THE %$@& OUT OF THERE ARE YOU$#%&* KIDDING ME HE’S GUNNIN’ FOR KOBE I CAN FEEL IT YEAH WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO THE BATHROOM NO DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME I’LL JUST BE WASHING MY HANDS UNDER WARM WATER WOW NOW IT’S HOT JUST LIKE MELO GET IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OK JUST GONNA GNAW ON THIS PORCELAIN SINK JUST GIMME A SEC OK QUICK GIMME A CIGARETTE I’M GONNA SMOKE IT IN THIS STALL OK I NEED WATER WAIT LET’S BUY FOAM FINGERS AND HIT EACHOTHER IN THE FACE HAHAHAHAHA THAT’S SO MUCH FUN UN OK BACK TO THE GAME OH MY GOD MELO AGAIN AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! 40! 45! 50! HE’S GOT 55 WITH NINE MINUTES LEFT CAN I TOUCH HIM WHAT IF I TRY TO TOUCH HIM WILL THEY TACKLE ME THAT MIGHT BE KIND OF FUN I’M SURE THEY’D UNDERST – 60 JUST ONE MORE BUCKET PASSES KOBE PASS THAT PUNK HE DID IT OHMYGODI’MSWEATINGSOOOMUCH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE GOT KOBE BERNARD I LOVE YOU HE GOT KOBE QUICK SOMEONE TRACE THEIR FINGER ALONG MY PALM WHO HAS A CIGARETTE YES A MENTHOL IS FINE
	Mike Woodson Guh… GuhhaAAAAH *cough cough* Wait, where am I? Why am I naked? I feel like someone dropped an industrial-sized anvil on my face. Did I chew rocks last night? Was I gnawing on someone’s leg for multiple hours? Where’s my backpa–OH MY GOD! Who are you, and why are you in my apartment!? Don’t touch me!

	Carmelo Anthony, SF 31 MIN \| 8-17 FG \| 9-9 FT \| 7 REB \| 1 AST \| 0 STL \| 1 BLK \| 2 TO \| 28 PTS \| -16 Stormed out of gate like rutted bull in stop sign factory STOP Quite literally couldnt miss STOP Oh no he missed STOP Missed again STOP Again STOP Again STOP Again STOP Now tired STOP You would be too if pack mule for bunch of clowns STOP One day he will shoot turnaround and explode into blood vapor cloud STOP Also lost Ian Mahimni twice which seems close to impossible STOP After turnover looked at Ray as if ran over Melos dog with lawnmower STOP If I were him would consider finishing career in Siberian prison league STOP Has to be better than this STOP
	Tyson Chandler, C 26 MIN \| 4-8 FG \| 5-8 FT \| 9 REB \| 3 AST \| 0 STL \| 1 BLK \| 1 TO \| 13 PTS \| -15 Must have contracted Spanish Flu STOP May actually have only one lung STOP Or no lungs and just breathing through skin or elaborate gills STOP Almost left game due to complications from said illness STOP When in somewhat ineffective against Indy rim attack STOP Looked better as game wore on but out of hand by then STOP Has been in league for 14 years and runs like totem pole STOP Can we really be surprised might be breaking down STOP Did convert some opportunities on offense rebounded at good rate STOP That last line might be happiest thing I transcribe tonight STOP Does anyone know if Amish sell moonshine STOP Or varnish STOP
	Raymond Felton, PG 29 MIN \| 5-10 FG \| 1-1 FT \| 4 REB \| 5 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 4 TO \| 12 PTS \| -19 Came ill prepared STOP Ran offense as if dribbling canon ball STOP Went from capable marshalling to dereliction of duty in split second STOP Shooting form supposed to be hand in cookie jar not hand in wheat thresher STOP Spent more energy flailing arms at ref than navigating picks STOP Last seen yelling at tarmac controllers because he missed plane STOP At certain point no one cares you grew up dribbling on dirt court STOP
	Iman Shumpert, SG 20 MIN \| 1-4 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 5 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 2 PTS \| -10 Why wasnt on George more frequently STOP Was afterthought on defense STOP Continues to dribble like car dealership flapping balloon men STOP What is his future on team STOP Seems like only effective after hot start STOP On night when Lance when HAM looked resigned to middling irrelevance STOP Could be nature of team construction STOP Pretty sure this telegram paper made out of corn husks STOP
	Andrea Bargnani, PF 32 MIN \| 3-9 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 7 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 2 BLK \| 2 TO \| 6 PTS \| -23 STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP
	Kenyon Martin, PF 7 MIN \| 0-1 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 0 PTS \| -6 Presence crucial in giving Hibbert et al actual weight to bench press STOP Only managed seven minutes before ankle injury STOP So much for bench pressing STOP I could probably bench press Chandler STOP Kenyon is tough walked off on own power STOP Which hed do if shot in face with anti aircraft device STOP
	Jeremy Tyler, PF 7 MIN \| 2-3 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 4 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 4 PTS \| -6 Honestly thought was James White for second STOP I know garbage time but still looks like he belongs STOP If Chandler continues coughing organs and Kenyon disintegrates what other options are there STOP Play the guy more see what he has STOP Whats worst could happen STOP He gets injured too STOP Dont be a smartass Western Union Machine STOP
	Amar’e Stoudemire, PF 14 MIN \| 3-6 FG \| 2-4 FT \| 3 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 8 PTS \| -12 Came out loose and focused STOP At least on offense STOP On defense doesnt know where he is STOP Landed awkwardly on leg STOP Thought it exploded STOP Turned out to be ankle STOP Walked off on own power STOP Why God STOP Is this because he read Torah backwards to forwards like normal books STOP This is why people hate Old Testament God STOP So spiteful STOP So angry STOP Feel better STAT STOP
	Beno Udrih, PG 16 MIN \| 0-3 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 4 AST \| 0 STL \| 1 BLK \| 1 TO \| 0 PTS \| -10 Might as well hang raw meat on strings over his shoulders STOP No chance at all against this team STOP Not fair at all to Beno STOP Seriously wasnt playing with Bostjan Nachbar in Olympics bad enough STOP
	Toure’ Murry, SG 3 MIN \| 0-2 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 0 PTS \| +1 Hundred percent JR has Murry carrying his stash in Barbie backpack STOP
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 21 MIN \| 2-10 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 0 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 4 PTS \| -6 Totally over his head STOP Fast developing conscience of Viking berserker STOP Tried guarding Lance Stephenson disappeared in the muscle and felony fog STOP Weighs more than exactly one Pacer Ben Hansbrough STOP Wait not on team anymore STOP Landed awkwardly on left wrist what the holy fuck STOP Seriously though these injuries STOP Are we entirely certain team didnt murder Haitian priestess STOP Dad wont let him hear end of it STOP
	J.R. Smith, SG 28 MIN \| 6-12 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 4 REB \| 1 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 12 PTS \| -18 Nietzsche would not understand Knicks STOP Presumably transported Woodson to Indiana by rickshaw STOP Came out smooth confident if streaky STOP Lost man at other end myriad times STOP Literally walked to half court and handed ball to Stephenson for circus and 1 STOP Speaking of Stephenson cannot believe we passed him for Landry Fields Andy Rautins STOP Is this the fucking Twilight Zone STOP
	Mike Woodson Asked him about East is Big philosophy STOP Said he never said that STOP Claims said Yeast is Big STOP As in big component in pizza STOP Proceeded to explain so called pizza recipe STOP Featured five pounds of five different meats STOP Press conference got awkward so someone changed subject STOP Asked Woodson who he might start tomorrow STOP Said probably Melo STAT Chandler Tyler and Aldrich STOP Why we asked STOP Because West is small he said STOP

	Andrea Bargnani, PF 42 MIN \| 9-13 FG \| 1-1 FT \| 5 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 1 BLK \| 0 TO \| 19 PTS \| +4 HOW HE PLAYED: For a guy who purportedly “forgot” the Knicks were playing the Heat tonight, Bargs was spectacularly efficient in the half-court, leveraging his mid-range game with timely aplomb – even if he’s often so homed-in that he misses wide open cutter(s). The defense was, once again, a stew of spoiled dog meat and New Coke. Still, the nerves seemed just stable enough to put to rest any concerns of a Playoff pants shitting. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Told STAT that his friend, Jackie Mason, wanted to meet him after the game at the corner of Broadway and West 254th Street. But that he’d better have a table saw ready to go, or no jokes. He’s still standing there.
	Carmelo Anthony, SF 42 MIN \| 12-24 FG \| 2-3 FT \| 8 REB \| 5 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 29 PTS \| +6 HOW HE PLAYED: It took a bit to brush off the rust, but once he did, Melo was masterful: hitting shots in rhythm, finding cutting and spacing teammates at opportune times, boarding like a beast, and generally exerting his will onto a narrative he somehow knew had gotten away from him. Did a good job on LeBron — who had a great game in his own right — but I’ve long-wondered: Why is it that James pumps the breaks a bit whenever he has Melo one-on-one? Is it an abundance of respect? Deficit of respect? Neither? Anyway, cut and paste this performance for the remainder – even on average – and there’s no reason why this team can’t be a three-seed. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Filled Cole Aldrich’s locker with extremely venomous King Cobras. Reports later surfaced of a Manhattan cabbie picking up a “very tall, polite white man with snakes on his face,” who requested that the driver “Please take me to a doctor. Please. Thank you. Please drive faster, I’m blind. Thank you.”
	Kenyon Martin, PF 24 MIN \| 3-6 FG \| 1-2 FT \| 4 REB \| 1 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 7 PTS \| 0 HOW HE PLAYED: The very day Mike Woodson justified his use of big lineups to reporters with “The East is big, man,” Kenyon Martin used a severed finger to circle this game on his Yoga Kitty calendar. The numbers don’t jump off the screen, but the moments – a veteran shove here, a stealth swipe and deft possession-saving hook there – were indispensible. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Hit Bargnani in the face as hard as he could with a floor buffer – just picked the whole thing up and knocked him out cold. Melo had to pull K-Mart aside and explain what a “prank” is.
	Raymond Felton, PG 39 MIN \| 6-14 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 5 REB \| 14 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 13 PTS \| +3 HOW HE PLAYED: Let’s get the foibles out of the way first: Ray wasted no fewer than seven possessions jackhammering the ball on the perimeter late in the shotclock only to initiate the offense in time to fly towards the rim like a condor that’s been shot out of the sky. On the flip side, came up with some huge buckets, and spearheaded a bevy of beautiful possessions out of the pick and roll. Fourteen dimes? Yes’m. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: During pregame shootaround, shot a spitball right into the eyeball of Jim Todd, who immediately had flashbacks to ‘Nam. As in Putnam, Oklahoma, where Todd was once attacked by a band of meth-addled truck drivers at the local Waffle House.
	Iman Shumpert, SG 43 MIN \| 4-8 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 9 REB \| 3 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 12 PTS \| +14 HOW HE PLAYED: Looked in danger of disappearing to the periphery for much of the first, before a third-quarter three-point explosion ignited him and 18,000 screaming souls around him. Had a few bonhead bites on defense, but made up for it with some beastly work on the boards. By the end, he didn’t just look like he belonged – he was acting like it. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Covered a five-square-foot parcel in front of Woodson’s office with Crisco and thumbtacks, doused the band-aids in the first aid kit with acetone, replaced the Bactine with a small flame-thrower, switched the emergency button on the office phone to connect to 1-800-SHE-HIMS.
	Amar’e Stoudemire, PF 27 MIN \| 7-12 FG \| 0-2 FT \| 11 REB \| 0 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 4 TO \| 14 PTS \| +19 HOW HE PLAYED: Spent waaaaaaaaaay too much effort and energy going after Birdman Anderson – heretofore known as Indian Mystic Grizzly Adams. But even that’s a minor quip in what was, on the whole, a remarkably steady offensive performance. And yet another example of how, for all his lingering limitations on defense, Stat will be a useful commodity if and when Woody finally comes to grips with how righteously fucking absurd his “EAST BIG” mantra really is. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Told Bargs that his friend, Pope Francis, wanted to meet him after the game at the corner of Broadway and West 254th Street. But that he’d better have a table saw ready to go, or no elaborate birdhouses. He’s still standing there.
	Toure’ Murry, SG 10 MIN \| 1-1 FG \| 1-2 FT \| 0 REB \| 1 AST \| 2 STL \| 0 BLK \| 0 TO \| 3 PTS \| +5 HOW HE PLAYED: If there was one guy I half-expected to spend most of his minutes sliding around the court on pools of his own pee, it was Murry. Color me corrected. Even in limited burn, Toure’ yielded some glorious glimpses: splitting a double team, snatching a transition steal, even hitting a beautiful mid-range jumper. With Felton back in the fold, it’s difficult to say what Murry’s role should be, though we probably all agree it should be more than whatever Woodson says it should be. HOW HE HONRED J.R.: Gave J.R. a 60-block piggy-back ride back to his apartment, probably.
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 14 MIN \| 2-4 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 1 AST \| 1 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 5 PTS \| -1 HOW HE PLAYED: If anyone’s going to be less affected by the Knicks-Heat history, it’s the son of the dude who SERIOUSLY $%#& TIM HARDAWAY. Got things going with a huge corner three seconds after stepping in, and gave the crowd much-needed life with a freakish put-back slam made all the more incredible by the fact that he looked like he was putting at most 75% effort into jumping. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Successfully convinced Felton that the Chris Copeland Honorary Pink Barbie Bag was actually a jetpack that could be activated by telling Yo Mamma jokes to Kenyon Martin. Followed this up by convincing Felton that the Chris Copeland Honorary Pink Barbie Bag replaces blood platelets if eaten.
	J.R. Smith, SG DNP COACH’S DECISION MIN \| FG \| FT \| REB \| AST \| STL \| BLK \| TO \| PTS \| HOW HE PLAYED: Switched out Melo’s inhaler with a can of mace. Jammed a crowbar into the gears of the handicapped elevator. Dropped a bucket full of live lobsters into Darrel Walker’s hot tub. Switched out Tyson’s flu medicine for rubbed-down blue Transformers. Downloaded four gigabytes worth of snuff films onto Felton’s computer. Bought Pablo a round trip ticket to Argentina; the flight went to Pakistan. Planted a spring-loaded grip of heroin needles in Toure’s mailbox. Loosened all the bolts on K-Mart’s Power Ranger Huffy. Bought Felton a $500 gift certificate to the Cheesecake Factory; expired in 2009. Taped over Shump’s most recent demos with sounds of dying pigs and live recordings of Hoobastank. Replaced Beno’s hair gel with melted hot glue sticks. Paid an usher to deliver a note to Paul Simon reading “I think Simon & Garfield and all music from the 90s is hot <3 Kate”. Convinced James Dolan to invest $18 million in a for-profit clown college. HOW HE HONORED J.R.: Learned how to tie his own shoes.
	Mike Woodson HOW HE COACHED: He was fine. HOW HE HONRED J.R.: Crop-dusted J.R.

Author: Jim Cavan

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	Carmelo Anthony, SF 30 MIN \| 8-17 FG \| 10-12 FT \| 5 REB \| 1 AST \| 1 STL \| 1 BLK \| 2 TO \| 29 PTS \| +9 Yo Commish, It’s been great working with you. When I came into the league I was just a kid, and you helped me keep my head on straight and get rid of that haircut. They say it’s a star’s league and you sure know how to take care of your stars. Remember that time me and LeBron [REDACTED] and then you had Silver come [REDACTED]? That was some funny shit. Anyway I hope you have a great retirement. Any time your in NYC be sure to hit me up. We’ll go that [REDACTED] up in [REDACTED] with all the [REDACTED] you tried getting numbers from after we [REDACTED]. Good times. Much Love, Melo
	Tyson Chandler, C 32 MIN \| 4-4 FG \| 3-5 FT \| 8 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 3 BLK \| 1 TO \| 11 PTS \| +27 Dear Commissioner Stern, I’ve never liked you. I don’t like your face. I don’t like your hair. I don’t like your glasses. I don’t like your suits. I don’t like your teeth. I don’t like your wife. I don’t like your pet monkey Silver. I don’t like your shoes. I don’t like your voice. I don’t like your Subaru. And I don’t like your face. Just kidding boss congrats have fun. Tyson
	Raymond Felton, PG 36 MIN \| 5-10 FG \| 2-2 FT \| 5 REB \| 9 AST \| 1 STL \| 2 BLK \| 4 TO \| 12 PTS \| +33 Dear David, Thank you for your service to the league. Every time I see you at an NBA event or All Star weekend you hand me your keys thinking I’m the valet, even though we shook hands at the Draft. But that’s OK. I liked parking your car. I’ve never driven a Subaru before. I didn’t know you were a Soulja Boy fan but it was playing pretty loud when I started the car. I’m a fan too. Speaking of cars I don’t know if this is the right place to tell you this but Andre Miller still hasn’t given my car back from when I let him borrow it in Denver. Just thought you should know. Peace, Ray
	Pablo Prigioni, PG 22 MIN \| 0-0 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 3 REB \| 4 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 0 PTS \| +15 Mother David, I would please like to belief that you are a wonderful basketball boss. When I come to league I was very old but you make me feel like baby. I hope that when you expire you may airplane down to my country. Here we will eat wine and I show you my roof filled with many grazing steaks. During day we can car to the plaza and purchase many short blue jeans, and at night we can disgust our loved game. I would like also you to taste my car collection. I have long empty road in front of my castle so we can swim fast. Thank you for letting me pray in America. It is a wonderful country and the peoples have very strange smells. With a Heart That Is Bleeding and Yet Fantastic With Love, Pablo
	J.R. Smith, SG 35 MIN \| 8-16 FG \| 1-3 FT \| 4 REB \| 2 AST \| 1 STL \| 1 BLK \| 0 TO \| 19 PTS \| +16 Hey, Shoes untied. [REDACTED] Yours Truly, Earl PS — Use the money to pay for Cleveland’s ankle surgeries.
	Jeremy Tyler, PF 22 MIN \| 4-6 FG \| 0-1 FT \| 6 REB \| 1 AST \| 2 STL \| 1 BLK \| 2 TO \| 8 PTS \| +14 Commissioner Stern, I’m not gonan lie, I’m still pretty pissed you made that rule about high school kids that made me go to Japan. I thought it was a good idea at first but then I got there and that Mr. Baseball movie wasn’t lying. I broke four showerheads my first week there. You don’t know what it’s like stepping on people all the time. But I got my chance and now I’m happy, so thanks for making the NBA great. You’re pretty short too so don’t get stepped on out there. Jeremy
	Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 30 MIN \| 11-17 FG \| 1-1 FT \| 3 REB \| 1 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 29 PTS \| +10 Dear Mr. Stern, We haven’t gotten the chance to get to know eachother, but everyone says you were a great commissioner. Well, my dad says you were a mother-effer, but I think he meant that in a nice way. You know how my dad gets. Anyway I’m glad I got to put on a show for you for your last game at the Garden. I kept giving you the monocle after I’d make a basket but you looked like you were choking on water a lot. Hope you’re alright. I know my uncle PJ Brown says choking is fun but I don’t think it really is. I hope Adam Silver is as good as people say you were. I sometimes have nightmares of him biting my neck. I should talk to someone. Good Luck, THJR
	Cole Aldrich, C 8 MIN \| 0-1 FG \| 2-2 FT \| 3 REB \| 0 AST \| 0 STL \| 2 BLK \| 2 TO \| 2 PTS \| +5 Dea rCom mis sioner, Iapologize ifth is ishard to r e ad but I have to wr i te wit h my mouth on acc ount m y han ds do n ‘t work sowell% g oo dlu ckwith vrything. You rs, Cloe
	Toure’ Murry, SG 6 MIN \| 1-1 FG \| 0-0 FT \| 1 REB \| 2 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 2 TO \| 2 PTS \| +2 Mr. Stern, Thanks for signing the balls and also my checks. Toure’
	Metta World Peace, SF 19 MIN \| 2-4 FG \| 0-2 FT \| 6 REB \| 1 AST \| 0 STL \| 0 BLK \| 1 TO \| 5 PTS \| +24 Hari Krishna, You know what the Vikings said about forgiveness? Nothin. But I think we should forgive each other. I was wild back in the day. Like a giraffe. That’s how I learned to steal lunch from the window washers. We should get together over All Star break down in the French Quarter. You know why they call it that right? Because same money buys you four times the trouble. Napoleon said that. HA! Remember when I was an All Star that one time? You probably wanted Scott Pollard. I don’t blame you. He’s an Aquarius. Hopefully once we’re both retired we can hang out at the golf course. Stack Jack and I go golfing with baseball bats. By hole five we have the course to ourselves. I actually invented the Arnold Palmer, but I call it the Peace Palmer. Did you know I rap? I’m putting out an album this summer. It’s called Taco Talk. I had cab drivers record all the beats. The Arab ones were the best. See you out there. Jah Bless, Metta