Statistical Analysis. Humor. Knicks.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Wade Joins Elite Group; Jefferson Wears Out Wrist

[This article is dedicated to the Daily Show, the Onion, theBrushback.com, sPerts, and all the sarcastic bastards out there. A special thanks goes to the New York Knicks who by unexplicably losing to the three four win Hornets, forced me to create my own reality.]

Dwayne Wade Inducted Into Sidekick Hall Of Fame

The Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade was formally inducted into the Sidekick Hall of Fame last night. The committee elected him based on his play alongside Shaquille O’Neal. “He’s just exemplified what a sidekick is” said Burt Ward, the actor who played Robin in the Batman tv series. “With the arrival of Shaq, someone on Miami was bound to get enshrined.” Current members flocked to the home city of the SHOF, Oakland, to attend the ceremony. It was a who’s who of who’s that, as Al Gore, Chris Tucker, Art Garfunkel, Jonathan Frakes, Scottie Pippen, and Kobe Bryant all were there to welcome their new brethren.

The ceremony was not without its own controversy. Upon arrival, Kobe Bryant almost bolted when told he had to share the stage with anyone else. The event organizers had to build a separate stage for Bryant to sit upon. Scottie Pippen was upset when he found he would not be the closing speaker. “I always take the last shot,” said Pippen afterwards. When it was his turn to speak, he broodingly declined and glumly slouched in his seat.

Dwayne Wade humbly accepted the award by acknowledging the great sidekicks throughout history, namely Stan Laurel, Lou Costello, Dr. Watson, Tonto, and Chewbacca. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house when he reflected on the life of Herve Villechaize, the Fantasy Island star who sadly took his own life in 1993.

Jefferson’s Uses Wrist Too Much

Richard Jefferson?s season ending wrist injury came as no surprise to his teammates. The loss of Kenyon Martin and Kerry Kittles to free agency, combined with the injury to Jason Kidd left the Nets with Richard Jefferson to take all of their shots. Jefferson performed admirably taking shot after shot for the personnel-challenged Nets. “R-Jeff gave us his all” said Nets’ flagrant fouler Jason Collins. “I remember the second game of the season” reminisced bricklayer Rodney Buford “he put up 69 shots in 57 minutes and had to put his arm in a bucket of ice after the game.”

New Jersey eventually got Kidd back & even traded for Vince Carter to relieve Jefferson of his load, but the damage was already done. “Every wrist only has so many shots” said chucker Allen Iverson. “I’ve been able to take so many shots year after year because I don’t wear it out during practice.” Jefferson declined to comment on whether he exasperated the injury filming a commercial, where Charles Barkley coerces Jefferson to shoot more. When asked by the media who would pick up the slack, Nets President Rod Thorn calmly shot back “this is why we acquired Vince Carter. His wrist has been plenty rested during his sulking in Toronto.”

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