Statistical Analysis. Humor. Knicks.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Quick Reaction: Rockets 97, Knicks 84

Coincidentally, I’d already planned to watch the game with my father and use his responses in the grades/comments before I read Jim’s piece last night. We talked and agreed that I should go ahead anyway, thus making this an an “All-Dad Weekend” for the ‘Bockers. It seems apt considering these days this is is a team only their immediate family members could love. So, for your consideration, here’s my stab at photo-realism — my father’s thoughts about tonight’s game, recorded verbatim.

New York Knicks 84 Final
Recap | Box Score
97 Houston Rockets
Amare Stoudemire, PF 36 MIN | 10-20 FG | 3-4 FT | 8 REB | 0 AST | 23 PTS | -7

DAD
I can’t believe what has happened to this player.

BOB
Why do you think that is

DAD
What’s that?

BOB
Why do you think that is?

DAD
How the #$%^ should I know.

BOB
Well…

DAD
And I also think he’s become hyper intense about proving something. It’s exacerbating the problem. He’s not having fun. This is supposed to be fun.

Bill Walker, SG 22 MIN | 2-9 FG | 0-0 FT | 5 REB | 2 AST | 5 PTS | -2

DAD
I don’t like him aesthetically.

BOB
His game or…

DAD
The whole thing.

BOB
He was 1-7 from three tonight

DAD
See what I mean?

Tyson Chandler, C 32 MIN | 5-7 FG | 4-5 FT | 11 REB | 2 AST | 14 PTS | -12

DAD
He hates losing. But that changing is like hoping Obama will become a liberal.

Toney Douglas, PG 27 MIN | 3-13 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 4 AST | 7 PTS | -1

DAD
Thats like a catastrophic stock market collapse. A guy who was shooting well and defending moderately well…it’s bewildering. This whole team is bewildering

BOB
Is it his confidence?

DAD
Who?

BOB
Douglas

DAD
Does he need confidence is that what you said?

BOB
Yeah

DAD
He needs to be supported more than other players. He needs to have his sense of Mojo bolstered. Can I say that? Mojo

BOB
Sure

Landry Fields, G 18 MIN | 0-2 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 1 AST | 0 PTS | -4

DAD
I don’t like guys with two last names. He could be the other way around and you wouldn’t notice?

BOB
Huh

DAD
Fields Landry. Landry Fields. Fields Landry. He should be Larry Fields or Lance Fields. That’s better.

Mike Bibby, PG 9 MIN | 0-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 0 AST | 0 PTS | -14

DAD
I wasn’t thrilled about him to start with. He doesn’t even come through with a decent triple…which he said he wouldn’t lose. I mean look at that face. I can’t imagine trying to paint that face.

BOB
Why?

DAD
Och. Horrible. See the high cheekbones and the sunken eyes. He’d look like an old woman no matter what I did. That’s a bad face. His Dad stunk too but he had a better face.

BOB
He kinda plays like an old woman

(DAD laughs)

Jared Jeffries, PF 12 MIN | 2-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 5 PTS | -16

DAD
I have a fondness for Jeffries. I like him. And sacrificing his body for a technical foul is a remarkable skill

BOB
Offensive.

DAD
Offensive. I should say.

Steve Novak, SF 19 MIN | 1-5 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 0 AST | 3 PTS | -3

DAD
I dunno. Who is this guy. I don’t know any of the guys on this team.

Renaldo Balkman, PF 12 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 3 PTS | +2

DAD
He’s not on drugs.

BOB
You sure

DAD
It’s the last thing I think of. I think the whole team is psychologically damaged. Drugs might help

Jeremy Lin, PG 20 MIN | 3-9 FG | 3-4 FT | 3 REB | 6 AST | 9 PTS | -4

DAD
Sure, why not

BOB
First Asian player in the NBA since the 40’s

DAD
Huh

BOB
Wat Misaka. He was on the Knicks.

DAD
Okay

Jerome Jordan, C 4 MIN | 2-2 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 4 PTS | +7

DAD
That wasn’t Chandler?

BOB
No, it was Jordan

DAD
Where’d he come from? He looks just like Chandler

BOB
He was a 2nd round pick…

DAD
I thought that was the white kid with the shot

BOB
Last year. He was a second rounder last year

DAD
He was on the team last year?

BOB
No. He played in Turkey

DAD
He’s tall like Chandler.

Iman Shumpert, G 28 MIN | 5-13 FG | 1-2 FT | 2 REB | 2 AST | 11 PTS | -11

DAD
Rookie disease. He’s playing out of control. But on the other hand, he does provide that prized quality (dripping w/sarcasm) ENERGY. See. See!

(DAD gestures at the TV which is set to the NBA Network)

DAD
McHale’s talking energy there. Give me a break. It’s…forget it. I still hate that guy McHale

Five Things We Saw

  1. I’m not angry or sad at this point, I’m more just curious to see how this team will lose each night — like lifting a rock to see what particular phylum of maggot, grub worm or yet-undiscovered pestilence one might find scurrying in the slime underneath
  2. On the other end of the spectrum, one finds Tyson Chandler. Judging by his emotional state during the post-game interviews, ee should probably keep Tyson Chandler away from sharp objects and/or prescription medication.
  3. Unlike the last couple of games, there was a surrealistic quality to this one. The Chandler-Jeffries-Shumpert-Lin-Douglas (and/or Bibby, Balkman and Novak) unit was a delightful nod the to the Dadaist movement that flourished in French and German cafe society in the 1920’s. If there’s a play that sums up the season so far, it’s Balkman ignoring a Jeremy Lin alley-oop as it sailed into the stands. I half expected Balkman at that point to squat center court, pull out a bowler hat filled with toilet water and a solitary plum floating inside and begin reciting Boccaccio’s “The Decameron.”
  4. Not that it would have mattered, but I think Kevin McHale gave the refs an under-the-table, Joe Smith-type secret one year extension. The non-goaltending call on Dalembert at the end of the 2nd quarter might have been the most egregious example. WE GOTS HOSED, YO!
  5. These are the lyrics to the last song from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Once More with Feeling” (Season 6, Episode 7). I’m humming it right now. And I think y’all should too.

    Where do we go from here?
    Where do we go from here?
    The battle’s done
    And we kinda won
    So we’ll sound our victory cheer
    Where do we go from here?

    Why is the path unclear?
    When we know home is near
    Understand
    We’ll go hand in hand
    But we’ll walk alone in fear
    Tell me…
    Where do we go from here?

    When does the end appear?
    When do the trumpets cheer?
    The curtains closed
    On a kiss God knows
    We can tell the end is near
    Where do we go from here?
    Where do we go from here?
    WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE!

14 comments on “Quick Reaction: Rockets 97, Knicks 84

  1. KnickfaninNJ

    Western Conference scout on whether the Knicks are “fixable”

    From ESPN Weekend Dime:

    Western Conference scout on whether the Knicks are “fixable”: “The reality is they have a terrible mix of players …
    but the dynamic of their point guard situation has made it so much worse.”

    Too true

  2. Z

    Glad I missed this one. Read through the ame thread, tough, and do ave one comment: isn’t it strange how “Melo-lover” Ruruland disappeared right at the exact time that “sarcastic-Melo-Hater” Melo to the Gallos showed up?

    That is all.

  3. Eternal OptiKnist

    I thought Lin defended ecently and was able to get into the paint. For a guy that didnt really practice with the unit he was playing with…not bad!

    Everything else? Nauseating. We’ve officially reached my 20-game mark where I said we could judge what we have. Prediction? Paaaiiiiiiiiiiin. 10 more games before i change my screen name to something including ‘suicidal’.

  4. Thomas B.

    Eternal OptiKnist:
    I thought Lin defended ecently and was able to get into the paint.For a guy that didnt really practice with the unit he was playing with…not bad!
    .

    I noticed that as well. I actually thought he looked good because he has not practiced with this unit. I think there must be something going on in practice that is sucking the knowledge of how to play basketball right out of these people. I place the blame on the coaching staff.

  5. Roshi

    Z:
    Glad I missed this one. Read through the ame thread, tough, and do ave one comment: isn’t it strange how “Melo-lover” Ruruland disappeared right at the exact time that “sarcastic-Melo-Hater” Melo to the Gallos showed up?

    We really should have short tags next to our name summarizing our basic opinion. (E.g. ‘Honorable Cock Jowles’ – WoW exponent; ‘Thomas B.’ – Cynic extraordinaire) Would help me keep track of who’s being sarcastic, deadpanning, devil’s advocate, etc.
    That is all.

  6. Nick C.

    Z:
    Glad I missed this one. Read through the ame thread, tough, and do ave one comment: isn’t it strange how “Melo-lover” Ruruland disappeared right at the exact time that “sarcastic-Melo-Hater” Melo to the Gallos showed up?

    That is all.

    I asked him if he was Ruru last game but got no response. Creativity write-up Bob.

  7. sisterray

    Eternal OptiKnist:
    I thought Lin defended ecently and was able to get into the paint.For a guy that didnt really practice with the unit he was playing with…not bad!

    Maybe the secret to his success was not practicing with the unit he was playing with — he didn’t pick up all the bad habits and complexes that everyone else is exhibiting. It seems like this team is looking worse and worse with every game, at least on the offensive end. Instead of developing chemistry, they seem to be developing resentments.

    But given the way Lin glared at Balkman after that ignored alley-oop, it’d be incredible if he ever tries hitting Balkman again. And so the story goes…

  8. Kikuchiyo

    Yao Ming isn’t Asian? Chairman Yi isn’t Asian?

    I think you mean that Lin is the first Asian KNICKS player since the ’40s. (Is that true?)

  9. Brian Cronin (@Brian_Cronin)

    I noticed that as well. I actually thought he looked good because he has not practiced with this unit. I think there must be something going on in practice that is sucking the knowledge of how to play basketball right out of these people. I place the blame on the coaching staff.

    It really is strange. Lin made a bunch of boneheaded mistakes, but I found his mistakes to be a lot more reasonable than Toney’s and Shump’s (as a ball-handler – Shump has continued to excel on D) and while Bibby is not necessarily a mistake-prone PG, he also doesn’t really seem to do anything on 90% of his possessions, while Lin was constantly active.

    Here’s another thing about Lin – the dude was a decent NBA back-up point guard last year. It is not like he’s some guy who has never played in the NBA and D’Antoni is wary about giving him a shot. He’s already been a back-up point guard and he’s played decently enough (not good, but not as bad as Toney, Bibby or PG Shump). So giving him more minutes is not some crazy thing.

    It is similar to my Balkman criticism (the guy has shown he can be a productive NBA player already), but even more so, because at least with Balkman, there is a similar player in Jeffries blocking his way who is not awful (and with the lack of three-point shooting on the team, another reasonable player blocking him in Novak). Here, you could easily lose Bibby and not notice it in a game. And Toney, while he is more valuable than Bibby (as Toney at least has the potential to get better when he heals), probably just needs to heal that shoulder of his. So let Lin play!

  10. Joamiq

    Inspired by the last line of the song above, here’s one, sung by Tyson Chandler, to the tune of Radiohead’s “The Bends”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KG-adf3Z7_A

    Ironic, since “the bends” is what happens to divers who ascend too fast, while the Knicks are doing the opposite.

    Where do we go from here?
    The shots are going up all weird
    Where are you now, Dirk, when I need you?
    Alone in the low post
    Falling asleep against the plexiglass pane
    Who cares, 3 seconds

    I think I need to force a trade
    To hide all the dirt and pain
    Cause I’m getting scared that there’s nothing on this team
    Who are my real teammates?
    Have they all got the bends?
    Am I really sinking this low?

    The Knicks have got the bends, oh no
    We don’t have any real point guards, no no no

    I’m on the weakside when the isolation’s on
    Talking to a random fan
    Waiting for something to happen
    I wish it was 2011
    I wish I could be happy, I wish, I wish
    I wish that something would happen

    Where do we go from here?
    New York is all gummed up in a sea of fear
    And where are you, hope?

    They brought in Mike Woodson
    A “defensive guru” to blow Pringles away
    But we keep switching

    The Knicks have got the bends
    We don’t have any real pooooooint guaaaaards

    I’m on the weakside just twiddling my thumbs
    Talking to a cameraman
    Waiting for something to happen
    I wish I was in Dallas
    I wish I could be happy, I wish I wish
    I wish that something would…

    I want to live, breathe
    I want to be part of a real team
    I want to live, breathe,
    I want to be part of a real team, team, team

    Where do we go from here?
    The shots are going up all weird
    Where are you now, Dirk, when I need you…

  11. Sugarjesus

    Really, what if D’antoni is just saying I am going to be fired anyway, why not see what it all looks like before I go down. More importantly, his coaching decisions cannot get any worse – I don’t know why he doesn’t just hit refresh during the game and follow suggestions from this blog. We could crowdsource a Knicks victory.

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