|Carmelo Anthony, SF 35 MIN | 8-21 FG | 9-10 FT | 7 REB | 2 AST | 25 PTS | -8The jury in the ongoing case of Knickerblogger v. Carmelo Anthony was presented with some conflicting evidence today. The six straight points he registered in the final 1:39 while taking the ball to the hole like a running back gashing a defense and the money fall-away jumper over Pierce with 36 seconds left, putting the Knicks up 101-100 seem to exonerate our star defendant. The prosecution, led by lead attorney THCJ will point to
|Amare Stoudemire, PF 38 MIN | 7-16 FG | 2-4 FT | 13 REB | 1 AST | 16 PTS | -8My niece is sitting next to me as I write this. Maybe she knows why Amare’s gone to pot. She’s two
BOB: Lulu, Amar’e's not playing well.
BOB: Well, he’s recovering from an injury…
BOB: He hurt his back in the offseason and…
LULU: Put ball in hoop.
BOB: He’s trying to, but he’s missing easy shots.
LULU: What this?
BOB: This a computer.
LULU: What doing?
BOB: I’m writing about Amar’e
At a very young age, Lulu’s already grasped the repetitive, Beckettian nature of Stoudemire’s play He can’t explode anymore and he’s as mobile on defense as Igoo from the Herculoids. It’s nigh-impossible to determine what the true cause is. Amar’e will continue to charge at the light brigade. But for those of us who write about him? Ours is not to reason why. Ours is but to do and die.
|Tyson Chandler, C 31 MIN | 3-7 FG | 2-2 FT | 14 REB | 2 AST | 8 PTS | -18Yeah, the wrist is definitely bothering him. Many T-1000 type things to applaud, but those two ghastly fumbles of entry passes from Lin were definitely an indication of a glitch in his programming. D’Antoni recently said, “”I think it’s something that he’s going to have to live with for a month, two months. Hopefully it will get better… He’s just going to have to fight through it.”
I beg to differ. If he can take a night off against a team lacking in a worthy opponent (worthy being any lesser a being than the Kraken)– hey look! Drew Gooden’s a center. Tee-hee! — I’d advise he take it.
|Landry Fields, G 15 MIN | 1-4 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 1 AST | 3 PTS | -16I’m probably Landry’s biggest fan this side of his immediate family and Andy Rautins (Though given the burgeoning Landry-Lin bromance, it’s entirely possible that shunned former BFF Andy is crafting voodoo dolls and writing mean things on Landry’s facebook page), but that’s two absolute poop-fests in a row. Luckily, there are no lack of options at SG these days, so Landry’s defecating/smearing his excrement all over the [insert bank name here] Garden was limited to a mere 15 minutes.|
|Jeremy Lin, PG 32 MIN | 6-16 FG | 1-2 FT | 4 REB | 5 AST | 14 PTS | -9A very tentative, hesitant, confidence-lacking effort from our ephebic PG. Like every other team since his ascendance, Boston picked him up full court, trapped hard off the pick and roll and forced him to his left. Some clutch shots and runners helped to briefly secure the lead, but for the majority of the game, he looked as effective a PG as Rutherford B. Hayes (a fellow Harvard alum) was a President. Rondo eviscerated Lin offense to the tune of 18 points, 20 assists and 17 rebounds, busting him up harder than Rutherford B. Hayes did striking railroad workers during the Great Railroad Strike of 1877.|
|Baron Davis, PG 21 MIN | 3-5 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 7 AST | 8 PTS | +10Some nice backup minutes from B-Dizzle, but like his fellow 1, he repeatedly coughed the ball up on ill-advised kickouts and drives down the lane towards destinations unknown .|
|Jared Jeffries, PF 17 MIN | 2-2 FG | 3-4 FT | 2 REB | 1 AST | 7 PTS | +8There’s a growing chorus who think Jared should be starting at PF over Stoudemire. Raise your hand if you ever saw that coming? Amazing. At the beginning of the season, I’d have wagered we’d be witness to the historic inauguration of President Alf over Jared becoming the Knicks most effective PF.|
|Steve Novak, SF 27 MIN | 4-8 FG | 2-2 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 14 PTS | +14Mr. White (Yeah, I’m going to keep banging that drum). canned some vintage treys. He also disappeared for long stretches on the court because Boston jumped the passing lanes like fiends. The ugly, off-balance 20 footer he bricked is testament to the fact that Mr. White is highly dependent on the other parts of this recently-cobbled machine to be working perfectly in order for him to drop the Discount DoubleCheck.|
|J.R. Smith, SG 20 MIN | 1-6 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 1 AST | 2 PTS | -2Speaking of my niece, Earl Smith III is just as unpredictable. You have to watch her at all times, because like a bundle of manic, unflagging energy, you just don’t know what she’s going to do next. She just threw her Snoopy doll at me and said, “Pay attention me.” That’s kinda what Smith is like on the court. An improbable alley oop can happen at any moment. So can a sill fadeaway with 28 seconds left on the shot clock. Either way, your eyes are constantly drawn to him when he’s on the court.|
|Iman Shumpert, G 31 MIN | 6-9 FG | 2-2 FT | 5 REB | 3 AST | 14 PTS | +9It’s always fun to point to one moment in the game and say, “Well, if they hadn’t called that BS tech on Shump, they still would have been up.” It’s silly because like thte noted scientist Ashton Kutcher has taught us, altering an element in the chain of events sets off a completely different reality. Still, that tech was just plain wrong. More on this later, but Shump was easily NY’s best shooting guard today.|
Five Things We Saw
- I’m still quivering with rage so please indulge me for a sec, but…eff those mendacious, death-loving, frothing, lamprey-mouthed, inhuman, abominable, atrocious, verminous, rapacious, sadistic, bullying, invasive, grasping, psychopathic, twisted, warped, animalistic, belly-crawling, mouth-breathing, illiterate, innumerate, know-nothing, imbecilic, sheep-raping, horror movie extras (inhale)…puppy-torturing, vacuous, mindless, nihilistic, evil, diseased, soulless, morally bankrupt, greedy, insecure, envious, kleptomaniac charnel-house mascots stewing in universal hatred for all life…(inhale)…toxic, ugly, bestial, humorless, loveless, compassionless, demonic human-shaped ruins forever slouching toward Bethlehem in search of some fresh nightmare to wreak on the defenseless…(inhale)…Satanic monkey-shit-throwing, cowardly, parasitic, baby’s-candy-stealing, wife-beating, syphilitic poltergeists with erectile dysfunction…(inhale)…perverse, prurient, crocodile-eyed, necrophiliac mass-producers of human misery and gleeful destroyers of truth, justice, and the American way…sepulchre-hearted human deserts walking the Earth only to look for more victims…silly, stupid, ignorant bastards proud of every good thing they’ve never done, every person they’ve never been considerate toward, every fact they’ve never learned and will never acknowledge, and every virtue they will never possess or even attempt to comprehend…preternaturally drunken, bleary-eyed, zombie-like, unquestioning, unfeeling diabolus ex machina mockeries of the human condition, perpetually acting out a burlesque of the basest and least interesting psychological dysfunctions. (Sucking wind)…face-chewing, self-devouring, medieval barbarian museum dioramas and depraved homunculi preserved in formaldehyde to frighten children…sick, ominous, loathsome, Nosferatu-impersonating REFS!!!!!! WE. WUZ. ROBBED.
- Much better. Where was I? Oh yes. So many abominable calls. So many game-changing 4-5 point swings. It’s been the case since I watched McHale and Bird draw a whistle if you farted in their general direction. It was so when my father railed against the indulgences afforded by the pinstriped bishops to Havlicek and Cowens. And it will be the case for Robo-Paul Motherf#$%ing” PIerce in 2058 when my chemically preserved brain sits in a glass jar watching these gut-wrenching painful NY-BOS tilts as I rage (or rather make bubbly sounds in the formaldehyde) against the horrid parallels to the rest of life’s injustices that gallingly one-sided calls dredge up.
- You know my swell “Stop Switching” avatar? I was thinking of ditching it because it hasn’t been so egregious and throughout this winning streak, it’s been startlingly effective at times. Well, when you go up against a smart, veteran team like Boston, it’s utterly exploitable. They ran a high pick and roll to gain more-than-favorable matchups for Pierce and/or Garnett throughout the second half. Something about the definition of insanity comes to mind. That chit is on you, Coaches Pringles and Lou Gossett Jr. While we’re here, like Clyde, I think you foul the ball handler (like Rondo, maybe?) rather than allowing Pierce to launch the tying three. But that’s MD’A's MO. Sad face. Sigh.
- I’m still not sure what happened to the devastatingly effective offense that we saw in the first half. I hate the “We didn’t play with energy” fall-back excuse, but in this case, it may be true. They looked flatter than characters straight out of Flatland. Jeremy Lin was a simple line-segment, Melo was a polygon and Tyson a humble square. The second unit got slightly spherical at the end of the third, but then that three-dimensional bastard Paul Pierce just wrecked everything, showing the Knicks what you have to do to win a tough game on the road.
- When I was a kid, my Dad and I would often play catch on our block on the Upper West Side. As I may have mentioned, my natural athletic abilities leave something to be desired (like the presence of athletic abilities). We lived next door to a guy by the name of Bob Chrichton. He was a really talented novelist who also liked to imbibe the occasional fermented beverage in the afternoon. So he’d see us playing and invariably, each and every time I flubbed an easy catch, he’d bemusedly cackle from his stoop, “SHOULDA HAD IT!” hat’s what makes this game burn. They shoulda had it.