|Carmelo Anthony, SF 38 MIN | 5-14 FG | 5-7 FT | 4 REB | 6 AST | 15 PTS | -13
Melo looks like he’s wearing a version of the armor that Batman concocted in the original, comic book “Dark Knight.” You know, the one that Frank Miller wrote in the 80’s. Not the creepily pro-Bush Chris Nolan movie. You haven’t read it? Go do that. It’s great. It’s definitely more fun than watching Melo creak his way through games and attempt a cumbersome, heavily-laden replica of his formerly deft moves from the elbow.
|Amare Stoudemire, PF 36 MIN | 9-19 FG | 1-1 FT | 14 REB | 0 AST | 19 PTS | -9
Some more springiness from Stat, which is nice, But his pretty, pretty jumper appears to have crawled inside the extra inch that Stat grew over the summer and like Punxatawny Phil on a sunny day, refuses to re-emerge.
|Tyson Chandler, C 38 MIN | 4-6 FG | 3-4 FT | 9 REB | 1 AST | 11 PTS | -13
At least we know Chandler isn’t part Cylon. Mr. Consistency finally had an off night. Though the 11-point, 9-rebound game may say otherwise, Sideshow Bob positively vivisected Tyson tonight. Flopping Brazilians can really get under your skin (more on this later) like a guinea worm — a parasite that grows under your skin before bursting through the back of the cranium. Not surprisingly, this nasty bugger of a worm originates in South America.
|Landry Fields, G 33 MIN | 5-7 FG | 3-4 FT | 5 REB | 1 AST | 13 PTS | -4
If there’s a nice pico de gallo to be found in this sh*t taco of a game, it’s Landry’s Landry-ing. Only thing missing is a little queso fresco. And by queso fresco, I mean Landry hitting 39% from three (like last season). I’m hungry. You guys hungry? Let’s get a taco.
|Iman Shumpert, G 22 MIN | 3-9 FG | 1-2 FT | 4 REB | 2 AST | 7 PTS | -10
Shump shump had had a really bad bad game tonight, but I’d like to hear a cogent explanation as to why Iman has been cast as Ben Meechum to Coach D’Antoni’s Great Santini. At least twice tonight, Pringles was seen verbally tearing him a new one yet he spared other members of the squad any form of tongue-lashing for equally egregious violations on the court.
|Mike Bibby, PG 10 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 1 AST | 2 PTS | +3
O Osiris, all that is hateful in Unas hath been brought unto thee, and all the evil words which have been spoken in his name. Come, O Thoth, and take them unto Osiris, bring all the evil words which have been spoken and place them in the hollow of thy hand: thou shalt not escape therefrom, thou shalt not escape therefrom. Whosoever marcheth, marcheth with his ka. Horus marcheth with his ka, Set marcheth with his ka, Thoth marcheth with his ka, Sep marcheth with his ka, Osiris marcheth with his ka, Khent-maati marcheth with his ka; and thy tet shall march with thy ka. Hail, Unas, the hand of thy ka is before thee. Hail, Unas, the hand of thy ka is behind thee. Hail, Unas, the leg of thy ka is before thee. Hail, Unas, the leg of thy ka is behind thee. Osiris Unas, I have given unto thee the Eye of Horus, and thy face is filled therewith, and the perfume thereof spreadeth over thee. The libations which are poured out by thy son, which are poured out by Horus, are for thee, O Osiris, and they are for thee O Unas. I have come, and I have brought unto thee the Eye of Horus that thou mayest refresh thy heart therewith, I have placed it beneath thy feet, and I give unto thee whatsoever hath come forth from thy body that thy heart may not cease to beat through the want thereof. Thy voice shall never depart from thee, thy voice shall never depart from thee.
That’s from the Egyptian Book of the Dead. Bibby’s got a leather-bound copy that Miles Simon gave him when they were at Arizona. He always thought it was a weird gift to give on Arbor Day, but now it all makes sense.
|Jared Jeffries, PF 20 MIN | 1-3 FG | 1-2 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 4 PTS | +3
Speaking of Ancient Civilizations, the Mayans have taken “Jared Jeffries hits a corner three” off their list of events that will predate the coming Armageddon. It’s almost unthinkable to be saying this but I have every available digit crossed that his back’s okay after getting Varejao’d in the 2nd quarter
|Toney Douglas, PG 25 MIN | 3-12 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 3 AST | 8 PTS | -2
Anything above re-enacting Shelly Winters’ infamous Actor’s Studio exercise where she defecated onstage would have been an improvement on tonight’s performance by DWTDUTD. One has to assume that his shoulder’s still bothering him because he’s not an NBA player right now.
|Bill Walker, SG 18 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 5 REB | 4 AST | 2 PTS | -5
Bill Walker had four assists? Okay. Did you also know that…
In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
Odontophobia is the fear of teeth.
The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction.
Karoke means “empty orchestra” in Japanese.
These are all facts. The above facts also had as much impact on the game as Bill Walker and his four dimes. That’s a fact, jack.
Five Things We Saw
- What are the odds Mike D’Antoni drunk-dials Steve Nash later tonight? Dollars to donuts says he’s raiding the mini bar for Amaretto at the Motel 6 and, like a combination of Champ “I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this is all over I think we should get an apartment together” Kind and Guido from Fellini’s 8 1/2, he’ll wail: “Pensavo che le mie idee erano così chiare. Volevo fare una squadra onesta. Non è sorta. Pensavo di avere qualcosa di così semplice da dire. Qualcosa di utile a tutti. Un team che potrebbe aiutare a seppellire per sempre tutte quelle cose morte che ci portiamo dentro di noi. Invece, io sono quella senza il coraggio di seppellire proprio niente. Quando ho sbagliato? Ho veramente nulla da dire, ma voglio dirlo lo stesso.” Translated from the Italian, it means Baron Davis better get back from Lourdes, tout suite.
- The real cause of tonight’s loss…Ow! Hey! Anderson Varejao is shoving me out of my chair and taking the keyboard. Stop that, gimme that keyboard! I was…Ha Ha! Você perde! Você Anderson bateu! Eu caio agora! Ow! Seu fouling machuca tanto. Lances livres para Anderson!
Sorry. Varejao wanted to the keyboard and I wasn’t boxing out. If I’m not careful, I’m gonna get T’d up for socking that flopping imp of the perverse in his obscenely-coiffed mug. Maybe I’ll just steal his hair conditioner. That’ll show him.
- Varejao notwithstanding, in general, I truly believe conversations about/ascribing losses to lack of hustle/desire/energy are a red herring. But I’ll bet you $10,000 of Mitt Romney’s dollars that every single recap of this game will be about the Knicks’ lack of energy on the 2nd night of a back to back. Either that or “They had no heart.” Stop it now. Stop it right now because it’s just not true. The Knicks played badly, committing reams of ghastly, unforced turnovers, but it’s not the lack of energy that caused those turnovers to happen. Stupid play and lazy play are two vastly different things. Then again, I guess it’s easier to mumble some pablum about “We didn’t play with any heart” than to admit the systemic issues with this hastily-cobbled roster. Fine. You’re heartless! You have a great gaping crevasse where a human heart should be. Fetch me a throng of gibbons, we’ll do some heart transplants and presto! 10-game winning streak!
- Clang! Three of effing twenty from beyond the arc. For serial. In an MD’A offense, that’s an absolute killer. At one point even Mike Breen, normally the paradigm of level-headed, objective play-by-play, was screeching at the Knicks to take the ball to the basket. The probem is, when there’s no outside shooting, the lane starts clogging up and then those shots don’t fall either. Once shots were clanging off the rim, you could see the panic start to set in with this team. Everyone got tense, players were yelling at once another, and like a house of cards the whole thing crumbled. And the one thing (well, there’s more than one thing, but I’m starting to contract carpal-tunnel from typing so much. Brevity is the soul of wit, my tuchus. Where was I? Oh yeah…) his team does NOT do well is figure out a Plan B when Plan A isn’t working. Is that the fault of the coaching staff? Well… (see below)
- There’s a pre-made format for these recaps so I can’t grade Coach. Luckily, this nifty note #5 is here for just such a purpose. Mikey, you get a big, fat F, if only for your rotations. For the life of me, I can’t understand what he was thinking going back to Toney Douglas in the 4th quarter. Shumpert was terrible tonight, I get that. The electrodes that the team uses to revive Bibby once a week got lost in the Boeing flight from Charlotte. So…how about that Lin kid then? I wouldn’t take garbage-time play against the RobertCats as a sign he’s an emerging STAR, but he couldn’t have DWTTDD (Done Worse Than Toney Douglas Did). While we’re here, I’d be swell if Jorts wasn’t hurt but since he shooting was so putrid, why not dust off Steve Novak? He may only have one useful skill but it sure seemed like that skill would have been a useful one to have on the floor tonight. Ugh. I don’t know about y’all, but this was a nauseating game to sit through. I e-hug you all. Better days are ahead because…well…it can’t get much worse.
[ED’s Note: Two guys did the Quick Recap. So I’m adding latke’s here]
|Carmelo Anthony, SF
38 MIN | 5-14 FG | 5-7 FT | 4 REB | 6 AST | 15 PTS | -13
Last night, for the first time ever, we regularly saw Carmelo as the ball handler in the pick and roll. It was a money play, with Melo repeatedly coming off the screen into the face of two guys and hitting the open man. Six assists tonight for Mr. Melo, but four of them were in the first half and one was on Landry’s meaningless layup to close out the game. What happened? Well, in the second half the ball handling responsibilities went primarily to everyone’s favorite Knick, Toney Douglas.
|Amare Stoudemire, PF
36 MIN | 9-19 FG | 1-1 FT | 14 REB | 0 AST | 19 PTS | -9
Like a ballerina, Amaré spent much of the night fluttering down the baseline, occasionally for a jam, but more often in pursuit of a turnover. He captured six turnovers in the game, seasoning the poor passing with one offensive foul against another one of those lanky tall guys (Ryan Hollins) who seem to cause Amaré so much trouble. When not occupying paint street, Amaré made one of his seven field goal attempts, including five misses in five attempts on those elbow shots he feasted on last season. Props for the fourteen rebounds though, STAT.
|Tyson Chandler, C
38 MIN | 4-6 FG | 3-4 FT | 9 REB | 1 AST | 11 PTS | -13
Chandler got shook pretty embarassingly by Varejao on one nasty play, causing the Cavs announcers to speak to each other in Portuguese for the next thirty seconds (not joking). Otherwise, he did a nice job defensively and finished well at the rim. He would have gotten an A- if Dandy Andy hadn’t destroyed the Knicks with eight offensive boards.
|Landry Fields, G
33 MIN | 5-7 FG | 3-4 FT | 5 REB | 1 AST | 13 PTS | -4
Landry made some nice jumpers off the dribble and again stayed in constant motion on the offensive end, drawing fouls and getting easy opportunities. He did what he is supposed to do on offense, and continued a streak of solid defense as well, adding two steals and a block. Anthony Parker just made some difficult shots.
|Iman Shumpert, G
22 MIN | 3-9 FG | 1-2 FT | 4 REB | 2 AST | 7 PTS | -10
D’Antoni seems to be losing trust in Iman at the one and with good reason. Shumpert looked hesitant coming off screens, allowing the Cavs’ defense to recover and either making lazy passes or dribbling back out and passing, forcing another Knick to force a shot late in the clock. For a team trying to discover some offensive flow, that’s a problem. Still, I don’t see why he doesn’t play backup minutes at shooting guard, where his role is much more defined.
|Mike Bibby, PG
10 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 1 AST | 2 PTS | +3
Mike! You didn’t turn the ball over! You were the only Knick of the night to accomplish that feat, and for that, you get a C.
|Jared Jeffries, PF
20 MIN | 1-3 FG | 1-2 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 4 PTS | +3
With the make tonight, Jared has made two of his five three point attempts this season, making him the best three point shooter on the team.
|Toney Douglas, PG
25 MIN | 3-12 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 3 AST | 8 PTS | -2
I can’t criticize Douglas’s shot selection too much. He’s mostly taking the shots that he has to take for this offense to work. He can’t allow his defender to go under screens or else the entire pick and roll breaks down. Sadly, unfortunately, regrettably, unhappily, he was one for nine on these open shots. And when he wasn’t missing shots, he was joining the turnover party that the Knicks put on. In light of the fact that the Knicks picked up his option year though, I will say one nice thing about TDDWTDD. He played great defense on Kyrie Irving, who was 1-7 on the game.
|Bill Walker, SG
18 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 5 REB | 4 AST | 2 PTS | -5
Four assists, Billy? You turned down an open three to get Tyson an easy basket! Well done. I do not mean that sarcastically. I’m being sincere. But please please please make some threes.
Five Things We Saw
- Toney Douglas is not a point guard.
- Iman Shumpert is not a point guard.
- No one on the Knicks can shoot. It’s a disease. It began with Landry, and then it spread to Douglas (maybe they sat next to each other on the plane?). Amaré started coughing up bricks soon after that, and now Carmelo Anthony seems to be in the throes of this mysterious illness. Jared Jeffries, being superhuman, is immune.
- I’m sorry I didn’t start the game thread with Shump Shump or some variation thereof. But really, aren’t we supposed to save superstitions when they lead to winning streaks?
- This entire review has been rather negative and sarcastic. But this is lucky number five, so I have to say that for the first half, the Knicks seemed to be continuing what they were doing in Charlotte. The offense looked pretty good, and we got a ton of easy shots. The shots, however, were not always falling, and it seemed guys lost the confidence when the game was only tied at the half, lost the instinctive quick reactions in the second half. This has to be mental, right? Three for twenty on three pointers? Guys don’t just forget how to shoot.