|Carmelo Anthony, SF 36 MIN | 11-26 FG | 11-13 FT | 5 REB | 2 AST | 35 PTS | -19
That might have been the least impressive 36-point game in all of Christendom. Whether it was by design (we’ll get to you later, Coach Pringles) or pure stubbornness, in the 3rd quarter, every single bone-crushingly bad offensive set seemed to consist of, “Hand the ball to Melo on the right elbow and wait for him to brick a jumper.” And nothing, not man nor beast could get him to stop taking forced, off-balance, low-percentage shots. He got booted for jawing with Brandon Jennings with 1:35 to go to boot, perhaps because he wanted this game to end just as quickly as as every Knick fan with an operant limbic system did.
|Amare Stoudemire, PF 37 MIN | 6-13 FG | 3-4 FT | 11 REB | 0 AST | 15 PTS | -13
I’m legitimately scared here. Despite the chorus preaching that an actual PG will do wonders for Amare’s game, he looks slow and tethered to the floor. We all knew Amar’e’s knees weren’t long for this world, but I’m petrified that his game is just gone. Never coming back-type gone. Gone, daddy, gone.
|Tyson Chandler, C 34 MIN | 2-5 FG | 7-8 FT | 12 REB | 0 AST | 11 PTS | -19
Yawn. Another game, another solid line for Chandler. He rebounded well, helped on D, and shot well from the line. Having Bogut in the high post and the Knicks pointless switching kept him from being able to do something about that imp of the perverse, Brandon Jennings’ and his frequent forays to the hoop. That said, I really want to go all Robin Williams in “Good Will Hunting” on Tyson, give him a cloyingly aggressive man-hug and repeat, “It’s not your fault!” ad infinitum until he breaks down in tears. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!!
|Landry Fields, G 32 MIN | 4-7 FG | 1-3 FT | 2 REB | 3 AST | 10 PTS | -9
Findng positive signs in this game is akin to telling a cancer patient, “Well, at least you’ve lost some weight.” Even though his shot is still flatter than Flat Stanley and on defense he was on his back quicker than the French Army in 1940, Landry did some nice things in transition. There. I said something nice. So yes, Landry’s looking skinnier but this team has so many metastasizing tumors, it’s almost not worth mentioning.
|Iman Shumpert, G 30 MIN | 0-5 FG | 4-4 FT | 3 REB | 5 AST | 4 PTS | -12
Meh. Some nifty passes and his usual harassing defense on the perimeter doesn’t excuse some ghastly turnovers and godawful fouls. Plus, like his fellow ‘Bockers, Shump collected enough bricks to build a fairly substantial brownstone on the Upper West Side.
|Mike Bibby, PG 9 MIN | 0-2 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 0 PTS | +1
They’ve clearly found a cure for whatever rage-virus briefly brought Bibby back from the dead a couple of weeks ago. Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return. (Genesis 3:19)
|Jared Jeffries, PF 9 MIN | 0-1 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 0 PTS | +1
Jeffries played? Really? Okay. I’ll take your word for it.
|Toney Douglas, PG 15 MIN | 1-6 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 2 AST | 2 PTS | -2
Fun fact: I once won a steak-eating contest by consuming 5.6 pounds of prime rib in an hour. Then I got really sick afterwards. Let me tell you, when you projectile-vomit 5.6 pounds of prime rib, it really does look like the puke scene in “Team America: World Police.” Why do I regale you with this nauseating tale? Because it’s less repugnant than recapping DWTDD’s performance.
|Bill Walker, SG 22 MIN | 1-4 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 1 AST | 3 PTS | -1
Continuing our stroll through cinematic memes, anyone here ever see “Kicking and Screaming?” Not the Will Farrell thingy, Noah Baumbach’s first feature film. It’s about a group of college friends who graduate but have no idea what to do with their lives so they just hang around their former school. Anyhoo, there’s a scene where a character is alone, bored, in a state of existential dismay and staring into the mirror. This dialogue ensues.
I think Bill Walker is re-enacting this scene in the MSG locker room right now. If not, I’m going over to his house and we’re gonna watch the entire movie together on Netflix. Good times.
|Josh Harrellson, F 18 MIN | 2-4 FG | 0-1 FT | 4 REB | 0 AST | 6 PTS | +3
He’s a decent rotation player. For a 2nd round pick, you can’t ask for much more. Though if history is any guide, he’ll turn back into a pumpkin at the 50-game mark.
Five Things We Saw
- PANICKING!! Not to play armchair psychologist, but this team looks like they’re suffering from an acute case of Atychiphobia — the fear of failure. And as with the case of any phobia, the fear of something makes it come all the more true. They’re playing scared, tentative ball. Even worse, I just don’t know how you can fix the problems this team has. Melo either won’t listen to D’Antoni when ISO-ball isn’t working or D’Antoni doesn’t have any alternatives in his holster. Either answer offers an unsolvable problem. The team talks about spacing and ball movement, but they either can’t or won’t do it in the actual games. I’m going to go see a play tomorrow night about a fictional world that’s been overrun by killer robots, so I’m going to miss the public evisceration the Denver Nuggets are sure to perform. Be sure to let me know if Melo’s entrails get ripped from his carcass and left for jackals (or Kenneth Faried) to chew on before his living eyes.