Sorry about the painful wait. Ironically, my computer, much like our so-called basketball team, crashed about 3/4 of the way through the writing of this little ditty, which resulted in much cursing and flinging of heavy objects (Again, much like the viewing of tonight’s sordid affair!). Like the right honorable Mr. Cavan, I took some cues from y’all in what proved to be a lively game thread. Enjoy.
|Carmelo Anthony, SF 38 MIN | 8-17 FG | 9-10 FT | 3 REB | 6 AST | 26 PTS | -6
No, he isn’t. I personally find his Bal’mer accent charming, but then again, I’ve watched and re-watched The Wire so many times that I’m pretty sure I could work them corners if the need arose. Not to turn every contest into a referendum on his skills/worth/the trade/whether he can mesh with Stat, but outside of taking this course, I’m not sure you can ask for much more from Melo than what he provided tonight.
|Amare Stoudemire, PF 36 MIN | 7-15 FG | 2-2 FT | 11 REB | 2 AST | 16 PTS | +1
Me too Mr. Cockerbocker. Alas, I’m an Alkie. And my sponsor is a fracking Celtics fan. He’s laughing at me right now and questioning my sexual preferences for backing a team like this. Something to the effect of, “I’m sure we can find a chapter of KA (Knicks Anonymous) if you’re ready to give up yet another stupid, self-destructive habit.” Oh yeah…Stat. Sorry. Got distracted. Stat needs a low-post move, stat. Some jumpers n’nice bounds this eve, but without a point guard…
|Tyson Chandler, C 37 MIN | 9-13 FG | 2-4 FT | 11 REB | 1 AST | 20 PTS | -2
We all love Tyson Chandler. Our love for Tyson knows no bounds. Our love for Tyson is equal in size and scope to the rage he expresses on the court and the frustration he must be feeling playing for this team right now. If the ‘Bockers fall to Jersey tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised if his head literally exploded a la the opening scene in “Scanners.”
|Landry Fields, G 40 MIN | 4-9 FG | 2-2 FT | 2 REB | 4 AST | 11 PTS | -1
Landry wasn’t put on this earth to run through screens. He is destined for loftier pursuits, like gamboling through a verdant field, scattering his magic pixie dust as he recites the purple prose of the romantic poets. Lord Byron couldn’t keep up with Ray Allen, so why should Landry?
|Iman Shumpert, G 42 MIN | 3-10 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 5 AST | 7 PTS | +7
You can get a little mad. Irrational hate is certainly a valid emotion for ‘Bocker-backers right now.
|Jared Jeffries, PF 23 MIN | 2-6 FG | 1-1 FT | 3 REB | 0 AST | 5 PTS | -3
True, but Ewing couldn’t stick with the likes of Rondo, Pierce and Allen on switches. Jeffries does what Jared Jeffries does. (JJDWJJD?) If the Knicks’ other starters were circa ’05 Nash, ’05 Marion, ’05 Amar’e and ’05 Joe Johnson, the fact that you can pretty much ignore him on offense wouldn’t be a problem. Alas, they aren’t and so Jared’s offensive offensiveness is a wouldn’t be so downright offensive.
|Steve Novak, SF 0 MIN | 0-1 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 0 AST | 0 PTS | 0
I sure hope not. Otherwise it’s as botched a coaching decision (more on this later) as Dunleavy inserting an ice-cold Daniel Ewing in the 2006 playoffs.
|Toney Douglas, PG 8 MIN | 0-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 0 PTS | -9
I can’t say anything more about…nope, I can’t even write his name (or any acronym where he describes his exploits in the third person). It’s just _______ from here on out. Another godawful performance from _______.
|Jeremy Lin, PG 7 MIN | 0-3 FG | 2-2 FT | 2 REB | 1 AST | 2 PTS | -1
he mind boggles as to why he didn’t play in the 2nd half (more on this later too), but Lin’s at least a serviceable PG. On this team, that merits all-caps, cuss-laden shouts of approval.
|Bill Walker, SG 10 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 0 AST | 2 PTS | +4
Five Things We Saw
- Always nice to hear from Jeff Van Gundy and his fair, balanced, impartial, objective, bias-free view of the evening’s events, especially following hard on the heels of Reggie Miller and his Ferengi-esque cheese-grater-being-run-repeatedly-over-one’s-inner-thigh tone of voice. I wonder who’s working tomorrow night’s game? Anucha Browne-Sanders? The intern that hooked up with Marbury in his truck?
- Some VERY curious decisions by Coach Mikey in this one. Mainly the insertion of (The New “He Who Shall Not Be Named”) in the 2nd half. Knickerbloggeristas far and wide applauded the Jeremy Lin-_______ pecking order swap but why, dear God or Gods or Flying Spaghetti Monster, WHY would you go back to _______ in the 3rd/4th? The only semi-defensible answer is that with Melo or Stat out of the game, the Jeffries-Shumpert-Walker-Fields quartet posed absolutely no offensive threat. And if his shot is on, _______ is a threat (or at least a threat to be slightly less offensive). Even though Lin looked REALLY shaky against Bradley’s pressure and Boston cranked it up full-court in the 2nd half, Lin was at least able to penetrate off the dribble. You HAVE to go back to him.
That said, I’ll give MD’A a pass on the last play because the Knicks had to inbound the ball and whatever he scribbled on his dry erase board certainly didn’t have Novak as the first option. I personally wouldn’t can Coach Pringles, but then again, I’m as close to being named GM as I am Head Coach. The vultures are circling. Get ready for the Lou Gossett Jr….I mean Mike Woodson era. Woo.
- Like my fellow keyboard-banger Mr. Cavan, I kvetch about the refs with the vehemence and self-righteousness of an old Jewish woman in a diner on the Upper West Side trying to send back an order of Minestrone: “It’s just too salty! I said I didn’t want it salty and you made it anyway so I’m sending it back!! Send it back or I’m telling everyone I know about how they treat people in this place!”
So, let me state with unerring certainty, revoking of Paul “Mother$%^&ing, Godd*#n, Son of a B#@!h” Pierce’s three notwithstanding, the Knicks got ROYALLY hosed by the arbiters tonight. The non-call on Chandler’s dunk in the 4th. The phantom foul on Shumpert when he lost the ball. The ticky-tack technical on Stat. The deflection out of bounds by Rondo that led to Allen’s go ahead three. Game-changing plays, every man jack of them. You can’t say it cost the Knicks the game because…screw it. I’m too old for this ish. The refs cost them the game.
- While we’re here, did I mention that I hate Paul Pierce? I so want someone, preferably a fat kid with a chocolate stain smack-dab in the middle of his ill-fitting t-shirt, to sock him right in his smug, smarmy, self-congratulatory face. I HATE PAUL PIERCE SO MUCH. LOUD NOISES! THIS SOUP IS AWFUL!!
- Overall, ow. This one hurts. Then again, I can’t imagine any Knick fan with an operant limbic system didn’t expect them to lose this game, even when they were up 11. This is how they’ve lost to the Celts for years. I’m sure when I’m old and gray, bellowing at the TV (or the cybernetic televisual device implanted in my cranium) with a grandson on my knee and he’s crying because the Robo-Knicks lost to the Robo-Celtics I’ll have to explain that even when basketball was played by humans, we still lost in agonizing, gut-wrenching fashion to these smirking bastids. (And yes, in my vision of a dystopic future, Robo-Paul Pierce has an impish grin plastered to his dastardly mug and the NY robots are programmed to miss open jumpers. Stoopid Robo-Knicks! They still suck!).
As Thomas B. so eloquently put it in the preview, “My esteemed colleague Jim Cavan might liken this to a Dickens novel. But the problem with that is that in a Dickens novel things do tend to get better. No, things don’t seem to get better for we fans of the Knicks. We are trapped in a place that isn’t quite good enough. Always waiting for things to get better. Stuck in sad, chaotic world without meaning. Yep, being a fan of these Knicks is like a Peanuts strip without the final panel to make everything right.“
Not to quibble but this isn’t Dickens, Bro. It’s straight Beckett. Forgive me for bowdlerizing one word but, to wit:
“We are all born mad. Some remain so.”
“Nothing to be done.”
“But that is not the question. Why are we here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Baron Davis to come.”
“Astride of a grave and a difficult birth. Down in the hole, lingeringly, the grave-digger puts on the forceps. We have time to grow old. The air is full of our cries. (He listens.) But habit is a great deadener.”
“We wait. We are bored. (He throws up his hand.) No, don’t protest, we are bored to death, there’s no denying it. Good. A diversion comes along and what do we do? We let it go to waste… In an instant all will vanish and we’ll be alone once more, in the midst of nothingness!”
“I don’t seem to be able… (long hesitation) to depart.”
“Let’s go. Yes, let’s go. (They do not move).”
See you tomorrow friends, perhaps astride of a grave indeed.