EDITOR’S NOTE: After a tumultuous stint with his hometown Knicks, Metta World Peace was waived today (along with Beno Udrih). Being the gentleman he is, Metta left a letter in each of the Knicks’ lockers. (He did not.)
|Amar’e Stoudemire, PF 20 MIN | 3-5 FG | 3-3 FT | 2 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 9 PTS | -8
Must feel good to start for once, I know the injuries and stuff have been frustrating. You gotta be quicker on the rotations, but I think the goggles are weighing you down. Also you gotta think about passing out of the double team. Prevents cholera. And grabbing more than two boards. Dick Bavetta coulda done that.
For real though I respect your religion. Sons of Abraham. I didn’t mean to put bacon in your locker that one time. I was trying to cure it before breakfast. That wasn’t fair. I owe you a sock for that.
|Carmelo Anthony, SF 42 MIN | 14-29 FG | 9-9 FT | 9 REB | 4 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 4 TO | 44 PTS | +2
Pretty rough night, Sam. That shot by Dirk was some bullshit bro. That’s that German voodoo. Kinda forced the issue, had some bad turnovers. But you caught your groove like you always do. That trailing three was butter, got things started. Did you know margarine is one molecule away from being plastic? Look it up. Way to bring the guys back in the first half. Never fun having Marion on you. Smells like a dentist office.
I took this to Twitter, so you probably heard it already, but I think you’re great and you need to be more vocal. This is your team. You been showing it, and you showed it tonight gain. Shape them. Like clay or meat. Really sorry we couldn’t win a title together, but I think your time is yet to come. Oh that reminds me Dolan said he wanted to talk to you, so you should go up to his office tomorrow. Just make sure you knock. I made that mistake once. Now I can’t eat gravy no more.
|Tyson Chandler, C 36 MIN | 5-5 FG | 2-4 FT | 12 REB | 0 AST | 1 STL | 2 BLK | 4 TO | 12 PTS | -14
If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were taking some plays off. Yeah the final stat line was good, and you came up big with that And 1 in the 4th. But you look like you don’t like us a lot of times. Them I mean. Not us. I retired. Heading to Miami to do some marlin fishing and maybe shave a penis into Norris Cole’s hair.
I don’t know where this team is headed but if they are gonna get better they need you to be the old you. Not the one in Depends playing Battleship with an empty chair. The guy that took Dirk and them boys past LeBron. That guy. Anyway you know were brothers. I think once we both retire we should invest in numbers. That’s where the game’s headed. Just guys throwing those old Chinese counters at each other. Abacus. Had to look that one up.
|Raymond Felton, PG 34 MIN | 3-4 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 7 AST | 2 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 8 PTS | -7
You remind me of Steve Blake. Same composure most of the time. Next time you see Steve ask him to tell you about the time we took the governors off the golf carts at Pebble Beach. Actually don’t ask him to tell you that story because he can’t talk. Just moves his mouth in certain ways when he wants something.
Good game tonight, even though Woody kept you on the pine there at the end. Didn’t try to do too much, hit your jumpers, although that’s the ugliest motherfuckin jumpshot I’ve ever seen. I know you get a lot of shit, but keep your head high, like a pilot. End of the day you got mad money to go out and buy a zoo or AOL or something. Remember chat rooms? I used to go in there pretending to be Felipe Lopez and picking up old people.
|Pablo Prigioni, PG 28 MIN | 3-5 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 4 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 8 PTS | -2
I don’t think coach understands how much you bring to the table. That oop to Tyson was beautiful. I can tell you get frustrated with all the switching. Remember when I snuck real switches from trees into practice and starting lacing Cole on the legs? Wish you would shoot the open three more, those two you made were money. I might name my next kid after you, whenever I make it.
I’m sorry I thought you were Cuban. Us brown people have to stick together. I really learned to look up to you the time I was there. You probably never figured out who was lifting your English Leather. Well it was me. Actually I switched it out with Beno’s hair shit. Hey I think you should ask for a buyout too. Then I can show you around Queensbridge, introduce you to other Dominicans. Just don’t wear jean shorts.
|Jeremy Tyler, PF 5 MIN | 0-1 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 0 PTS | -5
I don’t know why coach didn’t play you more. You have a future in the league even if your defense is lacking. Can’t bite on those Dirk moves, just hold your ground. If I were you I’d find another team to play for next year, you see what these guys have done to Shump. Poisoned his Fruit Loops.
We didn’t hang out a lot but that time we played laser tag in IKEA was pretty fun. Did you know the meat balls are made of horse? That’s against my religion. STAT will eat em though.
|Cole Aldrich, C 8 MIN | 1-1 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 2 PTS | +12
You know you don’t gotta go to the barber every day right? Actually don’t grow your hair out, I bet it looks like a possum. I’m amazed you survived New York for this long. Your welcome in my neighborhood any time.
|Tim Hardaway Jr., SG 31 MIN | 4-10 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 10 PTS | +8
You pick up my dry cleaning? Just kidding I made Cole go get it on a Citi Bike I loosend the bolts on. Dry cleaning confuses me. Bet they use a really hot blowdryer. Must suck going from the national championship to this shit your first year. From the frying pan into the toaster. But if you want to start eventually you can’t be lazy about closing out on D, especially on Vince and Montay and guys like that. Bet your dad is chewing your ass out right about now. Believe me I played against him. One mean dude. Once told me I shoulda been a BJ.
|J.R. Smith, SG 35 MIN | 7-16 FG | 0-0 FT | 4 REB | 7 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 4 TO | 15 PTS | +4
I thought you played a helluva game for the most part. You’re really good when you’re lookin to distribute and get other dudes involved. I thought you got fouled on that last shot, but you gotta learn to throw your belly or your hair into him. And stop going under so many screens, that’s how guys like Carter kill you and kittens die.
Glad we could enjoy being knuckleheads together. Sorry I didn’t enjoy the Greenhouse that time you took me. I couldn’t see a goddam thing in that place. Kept checkin’ my phone for the St. John’s score. Gotta win the WAC.
Sorry things didn’t work out. You’re a good man and I respect you. But I told you all that switching would get you in trouble. Just like the swinger’s club. First you’re with the person you’re supposed to be with and next thing you know…bam… STDs.
Maybe this isn’t the place for you. You seem confused all the time like watching Memento for the first time. Man that movie blew my mind. Basketball isn’t that complicated tho. Sometimes you look like you’re trying to figure out the big bang theory when all you should be thinking about is why Ray is on Dirk for the 10th play in a row. I’ve said too much already. Thanks for the memories and the car.
This ink is squid poison.
Five Things We Saw
- The Knicks committed six turnovers in the first four minutes of action, helping spur the Dallas attack. Which basically consisted of [WAIT FOR IT] really basic [WAIT FOR IT] pick and rolls that resulted in [WAIT FOR IT] either wide open three-pointers or [FUCKING WAIT FOR IT] simple dumps to cutters for [WAIT FOR IT] dunks. The Mavs were up 31-22 after one, and it looked like the Garden was poised for another bummer of a blowout. Just as a quick aside, our friend Chris Herring pointed this out, and it warrants retelling: The Knicks finished last season ranked 27th in the NBA in defending the pick and roll and yet somehow – by dint of an almost demonic dedication to futility – have only gotten worse.
- As luck would have it, the Mavs are almost as bad – ALMOST – in that very department, with the predictable result being the Knicks clawing their way back into the fray thanks to their own tidy slew of open looks. And it would remain close for the duration, which, fuck you, Knicks.
- Vince Carter scored 23 points, 21 of them on three-point looks so clean they could’ve pasteurized milk. What’s worse, I don’t think he burned more than 300 calories doing it. Just a classic example of “Alright, the old man’s hot so just leave him open WHOOPS OK probably won’t hit two WHOOPS alright fine he’s having a good night but there’s no way WHOOPS this is bullsh—WHOOPS WHOOPS WHOOPS OK maybe I should fight a little harder around WHOOPS I give up WHOOPS.” Classic example.
- Both teams were sloppy, but the Knicks were far more consistent in their basketball carelessness – stepping errantly out of bounds, getting whistled for offensive fouls, making dumb passes, the whole gamut. And the Mavs made them pay: 25 points off of 19 turnovers, to be exact.
- Harold Ramis died today, as you all probably know. We’ll have something Ramis-specific coming down the pike shortly, but I think a couple of things bear mentioning here: In the pantheon of comedic geniuses – whether acting, writing, or producing – Ramis is right up there with the best of the best. To say he will be missed would be a tragic understatement.
- I, like many of you, love Groundhog Day, which happens to be one of Ramis’ finest works. For y’all that have seen it, the Knicks parallels are…. Well, they’re almost too easy. Before tonight, I always considered it little more than a kind of intermittently amusing association – a simply case of reality being, in this narrow basketball sense, stranger than fiction. But after Dirk’s shot careened round the rim and up and back down with the gentlest tickle of twine, I realized why that movie really does so perfectly capture our collective angst: It’s not just that Phil Connors keeps experiencing the same day over and over again; it’s that every day ends with him reaching increasingly taut levels of disastrous despair. It’s the difference between going to bed after that first terrible loss and assuming the whole nightmare was nothing more than a strange, isolated anomaly… then kidnapping a celebrity rodent and driving a stolen truck straight off the end of a fucking rock quarry. Tonight was the rock quarry. Put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb…
- [SPOILER ALERT] How does Bill Murray’s character eventually break the cycle of Sonny and Cher and shitty middle-Pennsylvania ennui? By being a better person and making better choices, and doing both of those things to increasing degrees every day he wakes up – choices that consider the tomorrow he never thinks will come. Until it finally does.