|Beno Udrih, PG
7 MIN | 1-3 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 2 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 3 PTS | -8
Look man, I know you and coach haven’t been on the best terms or anything. But I can see why you’d wanna be traded. It’s tough here. We just want you to be happy. “We” meaning me and Destiny over here. Beno, this is Destiny. Destiny, show Beno your teeth. They glow in the dark! I’ve never even heard of that! I met her at this party last Saturday. We were smoking a butt outside and – DESTINY! GET OFF OF THAT! She has this thing about climbing stop signs. I don’t know. Hey, do you have a cigarette by chance?
|Tyson Chandler, C
19 MIN | 1-2 FG | 0-0 FT | 6 REB | 2 AST | 0 STL | 2 BLK | 1 TO | 2 PTS | +22
Tyson! It’s all happening! Seriously, what was it like watching Melo? I think we finally turned a corner, Tyson. It’s been tough for you and Woody. I get that, but…. Just make amends. Give him a hug. If there’s anything I learned from hanging out with the Stone Roses, it’s that love conquers all, Tyson. Man, my teeth… can I chew on your beard? Just for a second, I’m out of smokes. Here, just let me chew – ow! Wait, where are you going? TYSON! TYSON COME BACK! I WANT YOU TO HEAR THIS HAPPY MONDAYS ALBUM!
|Cole Aldrich, C
15 MIN | 1-4 FG | 0-0 FT | 8 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 2 PTS | -10
Way to grind, big fella! I know Al gave you some problems – dude’s crafty as hell, not much you can do about it. But you hung in there! Crashed the boards! You’re going to be super important with Bargs out. I hope you know that. I’ll be honest, I thought you’d be more muscular. Like a buffalo herder or something. You’re actually surprisingly supple. Will you hug me? If you hug me I’ll give you some Jolly Ranchers I have in this neon backpack. Actually, I’ll trade you some Jolly Ranchers for a smoke. You don’t smoke? Will you just scratch my head then? Just scratch my head. Right there. That’s it. Have you seen my backpack?
|Pablo Prigioni, PG
22 MIN | 1-2 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 3 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 3 PTS | +21
Dude, you should be playing more. For real. You’e SUCH a good leader, SUCH a good person. The ball just MOVES when you’re on the floor, you know? There’s a quiet INTENSITY there that the guys just follow. It’s really profound. I love you, Pablo. I do. I love you. You’re Spanish, right? Have you been to Ibiza? We should have a cigarette.
|Iman Shumpert, SG
19 MIN | 2-6 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 3 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 4 PTS | +12
Dude, you were fiiiine. One of those nights when the shadows suited you better, you know? Man, that word feels pretty good to say. Shadows. Shhhadows. SHOOOOODOOOOWS. SHAdows. HA! Man, gimme a hug, Shump. Bring in close! Oof. You’re the best. Do your lungs feel hot? My lungs feel hot. The air, it’s really warm. It’s nice. Do you have any gum? You know what they should invent? Cigarette gum. Two birds with one stone! HIGH FIVE SHUMP! HA! HIT IT AGAIN! AHAHAHAHAHAHA P.L.U.R.R.!!!!!!
|Raymond Felton, PG
28 MIN | 5-9 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 5 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 11 PTS | +28
C’mere you fluffy little penguin you! AHHHHHH! HUG ME! SERIOUSLY SQUEEZE ME! HARDER! HARDER! HARDER! AHHH! You had it GOIN tonight, Ray! That stutter-step drive for the lay-in, the way you looked to find Melo when you knew he was dialed in – beautiful. You know what else was beautiful? That three you hit the front of the rim and just kind of rolled gently into the hoop. That kind of night! SO SOFT! Is your skull soft? Lemme touch it. HA! It’s weird, though – why do you keep dribbling off your feet? Does it feel good? My feet feel good right now. We should totally foot-wrestle! Dude it’ll feel so good! C’mere Ray! Foot-wrestle me Ray! Ray I love you! I’m thirsty. We should drink some water and smoke, like, 10 cigarettes.
|Toure’ Murry, SG
7 MIN | 3-4 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 6 PTS | -8
Toure’! Toure’ you scamp! Toure’ I’m not gonna lie, you KIND OF LOOK HIGH ALL THE TIME. I know you’re probably not. Yeah that stuff’s bad. Hey when you’re getting really low on defense, do you feel like a GIANT PERAGRIN FALCON, LIKE SWOOPING DOWN ONTO A HIMILAYAN TREE BRANCH! Cuz that’s what I imagine it feels like. Feels. Feeeeeeelz. Dude can I bum a smoke?
|Tim Hardaway Jr., SG
31 MIN | 4-8 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 3 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 10 PTS | +20
TIMMY! LET ME JUMP ON YOU! AHAHAHAHAHA! TIMMY! Wait, Timmy, hold on. That first jumper? The one that hit EVERY PART OF THE RIM before it dropped through. I wanted to be the rim. How GOOD would that feel? HAHAHAHAHAHA. You sure got your touches late! You made the most of them! I love you, Tim. And how you SMOKED McBob on that drive! HAHAHAHAHA. Hey, do you have any smokes?
|J.R. Smith, SG
31 MIN | 5-9 FG | 1-1 FT | 2 REB | 4 AST | 2 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 14 PTS | +25
JR MAN where are we man oh my god these LIGHTS these BODIES this is AMAZING! You were SO in the GROOVE tonight, man. Some SICK passes. That lob to TYLER? Some real CHEMISTRY there man! Then that behind-the-back to Ray in the third! HOLY SHIT! JR HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN JUMPING UP AND DOWN FOR? IT FEELS LIKE A WEEK I’VE BEEN JUMPING UP AND DOWN BUT SHIT IT FEELS AMAZING. I’M SO THIRSTY. I WANT TO LICK SOMETHING. I’M GOING TO GO LICK THE DJ. WILL YOU STAY HERE? JUST STAY HERE? ACTUALLY DO YOU HAVE ANY GUM?
|Jeremy Tyler, PF
22 MIN | 4-8 FG | 0-0 FT | 5 REB | 1 AST | 1 STL | 2 BLK | 0 TO | 8 PTS | +9
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! WE BELIEVED IN YOU, JEREMY! YOU JUST NEEDED YOUR CHANCE AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! FLYING AROUND THE RIM AND POKING THE BALL AWAY FROM JEFFERSON AND THROWING DOWN LOBS AND TWO-STUFFING PARGO. I FEEL LIKE I’M SAYING THESE WORDS BUT YOU WON’T HEAR THEM FOR AT LEAST A FEW SECONDS – THIS WEIRD DELAY. MY MOUTH WON’T STOP. ANYWAY YOU TOTALLY BELONG AND HAVE YOU EVER ROLLED YOUR OPPOSING FINGERS AGAINST ONE ANOTHER LIKE THIS – ISN’T THAT AMAZING IT’S LIKE THERE’S MARBLES ON THE ENDS OF YOUR FINGERS OR LIKE THAT PAINTING WHERE BRO’S TOUCHING GOD’S FINGER DUDE HAVE YOU EVER TRIED EATING A GLOWSTICK HAHAHAHA DON’T IT’S REALLY BAD IT SENT ME TO THE HOSPITAL AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IMSOTHIRSTY!
|Carmelo Anthony, SF
39 MIN | 23-35 FG | 10-10 FT | 13 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 62 PTS | +34
HAHA NICE SHOT MELO WHOOO! AH NICE SHOT AGAIN! DUDE, MELO CAN’T MISS THIS IS CRAZY GIVE ME A HUG HOLY GOD HE HAS 16 ALREADY I JUST BIT MY TONGUE AND IT DOESN’T EVEN HURT DUDE HOLD MY HAND AHHHHH 22 IN THE FIRST QUARTER DUDE HE COULD GO FOR 60 HOW NUTS WOULD THAT BE YEAH GIVE ME THAT WATER SORRY I DRANK IT ALL OMG OMG OMG OMG HE’S NOT MISSING WHAT’S HE GOT LIKE 30 NOW DUDE WHAT COLOR WERE THESE THINGS ANYWAY 32 34 ARE YOU KIDDING ME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE HIT IT FORM HALF COURT 37 GET THE %$@& OUT OF THERE ARE YOU$#%&* KIDDING ME HE’S GUNNIN’ FOR KOBE I CAN FEEL IT YEAH WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO THE BATHROOM NO DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME I’LL JUST BE WASHING MY HANDS UNDER WARM WATER WOW NOW IT’S HOT JUST LIKE MELO GET IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OK JUST GONNA GNAW ON THIS PORCELAIN SINK JUST GIMME A SEC OK QUICK GIMME A CIGARETTE I’M GONNA SMOKE IT IN THIS STALL OK I NEED WATER WAIT LET’S BUY FOAM FINGERS AND HIT EACHOTHER IN THE FACE HAHAHAHAHA THAT’S SO MUCH FUN UN OK BACK TO THE GAME OH MY GOD MELO AGAIN AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! 40! 45! 50! HE’S GOT 55 WITH NINE MINUTES LEFT CAN I TOUCH HIM WHAT IF I TRY TO TOUCH HIM WILL THEY TACKLE ME THAT MIGHT BE KIND OF FUN I’M SURE THEY’D UNDERST – 60 JUST ONE MORE BUCKET PASSES KOBE PASS THAT PUNK HE DID IT OHMYGODI’MSWEATINGSOOOMUCH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE GOT KOBE BERNARD I LOVE YOU HE GOT KOBE QUICK SOMEONE TRACE THEIR FINGER ALONG MY PALM WHO HAS A CIGARETTE YES A MENTHOL IS FINE
Guh… GuhhaAAAAH *cough cough* Wait, where am I? Why am I naked? I feel like someone dropped an industrial-sized anvil on my face. Did I chew rocks last night? Was I gnawing on someone’s leg for multiple hours? Where’s my backpa–OH MY GOD! Who are you, and why are you in my apartment!? Don’t touch me!
Five Things We Saw
- After the joy wears off, after morning comes and the headache reins, we’ll still have this. We’ll always have this. This thing that was more than a mere display. More than a mere record, even. This taking back of what belongs in-house. This basketball poetry. This lambasted leader who has every right to want out of this twisted cauldron forever, but keeps coming back and blowing the windows off. A lesser leader would’ve surveyed the scene and sighed and said to himself “I’m saving it all for something better.” A lesser leader would rest on All-Star laurels.
- This leader went out and took what was his. This leader went out and took what was ours, and gave it back. This leader went out punished the pretenders. Most importantly, this leader knew that 62 was more important than 70. More important than 80 or even 90. Going for 70 would’ve been going for himself. Getting 62 and sitting? Getting just enough to regain house honor? He knows what this franchise means, not just to him and his teetering legacy, but to everyone.
- That it happened a day after Bargnani was ruled out of action for what could end up being the most crucial stretch of the season – set that aside. That it happened with Carmelo playing at what pretty much everyone agrees is his most effective position – let it go. That it happened against a team missing its best player and struggling with its own long-term plans – doesn’t matter. If Woodson doesn’t understand all that by now, he’s never going to understand it.
- Instead, try something different: Be proud. Be proud that we finally have that number back. Be proud it was a kid from Brooklyn that did it. Be proud it doesn’t belong to that guy anymore. Be proud The King was avenged. Be proud, but beware. Beware that whatever happens in the next half-year – be it failure or forsaking – makes us forget.
- Never forget.