Statistical Analysis. Humor. Knicks.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

In Honor Of Fox’s All Star Treatment Of Ernie Harwell

[If you didn't watch the All Star Game on Fox yesterday, consider yourself lucky, then go here to read what I'm spoofing about.]

I’d like to announce that I’ve been able to channel the dead spirit of Wilt Chamberlain for an interview.

KB: Wilt are you there?
WC: Yes. I hear you loud and clear.

KB: Wilt, we were sorry to see you go. As one of the best players in the history of the NBA, you really helped shape the game. How’s the afterlife treating you?
WC: Thanks for the compliment. The afterlife is fantastic. Like Obi Wan said in Episode 4, I have become more powerful than anyone could imagine. Being dead I’ve gleaned the answer to many of life’s questions. Not only do I know all the little things like what happened to your Big Audio Dynamite CD in college, and who hit that Giants’ coach in the head with that iceball, but I’ve learned so much more.

Being non-corporeal, I understand things intimately that I never would have known before. In fact, I fully comprehend concepts like what happened before the Big Bang, and the unified theory of physics. My knowledge extends through all fields, biology, economics, and philosophy. In fact I think I can explain the meaning of life and end all human suffering in just a few sentences. Just imagine that the universe is a…

KB: Wilt, I’m sure you could talk about this all day, but I Tivo’d the All Star Game, and I’d really like to see the part where an ordinary guy gets 30 seconds to throw five balls into a hole. Talk to you later.