Statistical Analysis. Humor. Knicks.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Exclusive: Udrih and World Peace Expose Tough Life With Knicks

Two people have escaped one of the toughest, secretive, and well guarded areas on Earth. Like North Korea, the Knicks organization (aka M.S.G.) has closed off relations to the outside world, and much of what happens behind the scenes is a mystery to the public. Their leader, James L. Dolan, has been a reclusive character who has only spoken to the press on the most rare occasions. He inherited his current position from his father, and it doesn’t seem that anyone can remove his iron fist grasp on the Knicks.

Recently James L. Dolan ejected his once trusted right-hand man, Glen Grunwald, who bolstered the organization with mediocre decision making. People who threaten the Knicks’ leader, are dealt with by the police. Unlike North Korea, Dennis Rodman has not been able to gain inroads with this mysterious owner. Probably because the organization has turned a blind eye to both public relations and defense.

However two people have recently escaped the clutches of M.S.G., and have painted a gruesome tale of life behind the concrete curtain. Beno Udrih and Metta World Peace were inexplicably released before the team’s final demise in 2014. These are their first-hand reports of what is actually happening inside the Knicks organization.

[WARNING: THE DESCRIPTIONS AND IMAGES BELOW MAY BE DISTURBING.]

“It was horrible” said Udrih. “We were forced to watch the most torturous display of basketball for 2-3 hours straight. That whole time I had to watch a fat guy dribble a ball around, while we were on the bench starving for minutes. I was forced to sit next to a giant hulking idiot with a tooth missing. Every now and then we had to stand around in a circle, hoping the coach would choose us to play meaningful minutes, but that opportunity almost never came.”

Drawings Reveal The Horror!

Drawings Reveal The Horror!

The survivors tell tales of the stark division between the haves and the have-nots. “Some players can drink all night,” described Udrih “and yet still get major playing time the next day while the rest of us are compelled to sit. Even on a Sunday matinee game. On the other hand if I had one turnover, I get a tongue lashing in front of thousands of people.” He tearfully added “I can’t get the memories of those 20 foot step back jumpers out of my head.”

“Mentally it was rough on me,” offered Metta World Peace. “Watching players just blow past our defenders from the perimeter filled me with shame. Coach would tell our guys to switch on defense in order to confuse the opponent, but that just made things worse.”

SWITCH!

DETAILS OF THE DEFENSIVE SCHEME

Even though the two were able to escape, their future remains uncertain. Lamented Udrih, “We’ve been scarred by our time there, and now our careers are tainted. Who knows if any team will ever give us real minutes again?”

22 comments on “Exclusive: Udrih and World Peace Expose Tough Life With Knicks

  1. george from brooklyn

    In a “Knickblogger” exclusive, I’m here to report have signed the last 2 MVP’s of the NBA…Celebrity game…Kevin Hart and Arne Duncan…Pravda, opps, the Knicks PR dept., sorry, has not disclosed the length of the deals, but they are expected to be the usual… ‘around” 5 years for ” $100 Mil.”, with the standard “player option”. It was made explicitly clear however, that NO draft choices for 2024 were involved !

  2. george from brooklyn

    In unrelated news, the Knicks “fans” located in the $25,000 per game seats, directly behind the Knicks bench have strangely begun to “switch” seats, every time the Knicks go on reputed defense !

  3. thenamestsam

    The Sump-Ref switch had me cracking up. Maybe then we’d get some god damn calls for once! Well done.

  4. Nick C.

    That’s pretty brave to report that. Love the reference to the inconsistent accountability. Hope the next time I check the site I am not met by an error not found message.

  5. DRed

    I’m not here to criticize whichever one of your kids made the drawings, but where are Udrih and Aldrich’s hands? Are those shorts? Do I even want to know?

  6. DRed

    Via the Post, Fabolous has been snitching on Ray. I wonder if Carmelo is going to take care of this:

    The “Can’t Deny It” rapper hinted that Felton, 29, was playing the field behind Raymondo-Felton’s back, in his song, “Cuffin Season” with lyrics about promiscuous women he implied Felton had to end relationships with.

    “4 Celtics, Knicks guard, you know Felton,” he sang. “This n—- in Atlanta AirTran her, no Delta. Been naughty all year trying to end it nicely, Summer hoes turning into winter wifeys.”

    I still can’t get over Raymondo-Felton.

  7. d-mar

    Very funny stuff Mike.

    And just when you thought this season couldn’t any more ridiculous, word has it that Dwight Howard is advising Melo on his pending free agency. Yes, the man who handled his situation in LA so maturely and professionally is in Melo’s ear providing his pearls of wisdom.

    Next up: JR Smith mentoring TH Jr. on how to resist all of the temptations of the Big Apple.

  8. Frank O.

    Ray had armor piercing rounds in his gun?

    WTF
    A man with Ray’s shooting percentage should not own a gun, period.

  9. DRed

    Clearly they’re sitting on the bench with towels on their legs and their hands on their laps. It’s a worm’s eye view perspective.

    Ahhh. After all, is the bench a physical object, or is it more a metaphorical concept, a non-existent no man’s land of exile, occupying a space juxtaposed so close to the action but yet so far removed that the closeness itself becomes a great distance?

  10. Mike Kurylo Post author

    Ahhh. After all, is the bench a physical object, or is it more a metaphorical concept, a non-existent no man’s land of exile, occupying a space juxtaposed so close to the action but yet so far removed that the closeness itself becomes a great distance?

    It’s just a place for them to sit.

  11. ephus

    Just informed now: Memphis has claimed Beno Udrih, Metta World Peace has CLEARED waivers and Danny Granger officially placed on waivers— Marc Stein (@ESPNSteinLine) February 26, 2014

    I was surprised that it was Memphis, but then I realized that I had too high an opinion of Calathes as the back up PG because I had just watched him against the Knicks.

  12. Shad0wF0x

    @10.

    I’m not gonna defend Raymond in anyway if it’s true that he had in his possession an unregistered firearm. The gun in question appears to be the FN Five-seven which uses the FN 5.7 x 28mm round. That round in particular was designed for penetration. There is a non-armor piercing variant but from what I understand, the SS192 is a hollow-point, meaning that the bullet expands upon entering the target to damage more tissue. Given the choice between getting hit by the normal armor piercing variant of the 5.7 and the SS192 hollow-point, I’d rather be hit by the former.

  13. Robtachi

    Which begs the question: what the fuck does a multi-millionaire athlete in New York City need that kind of firepower for?

  14. bidiong

    “Ray had armor piercing rounds in his gun?

    WTF
    A man with Ray’s shooting percentage should not own a gun, period.”

    That’s some funny shit right there.

  15. chrisk06811

    ‘That round in particular was designed for penetration.”
    This sounds like an old scouting report on Earl Smith. That report was filed by Rihanna.

  16. maxwell_3g

    I am a defense attorney in Atlanta, GA.
    Ray Felton has been awful this year and I would like nothing more to pile on, but…….
    Lets not be too hard on this guy. I understand gun possession is a huge deal for you New Yorkers. In fact, I personally endorse the gun policy in New York City. I am not a gun rights guy in the least. But to put things in perspective, people in Georgia and South Carolina (Felton’s home state) can buy guns and ammo like this (and a lot more deadly) in any pawn shop or wal mart, virtually no questions asked. residents of these state are absolutely assumed to have the right to have these things in their house, their cars, etc, and are fighting for the absolute right to bring these guns to restaurants and even church.
    Again, I do not agree with this. but before we make moral judgements on Felton and his allegedly illegal behavior, lets remember, this behavior would be considered quite tame and legal in other states. I get that you must abide by the laws where you visit and live, and he must answer to that. But if this makes him an immoral man, then the Southern States are fully of mostly immoral people.

  17. thenoblefacehumper

    Again, I do not agree with this. but before we make moral judgements on Felton and his allegedly illegal behavior

    I don’t think questions about Felton’s character are based on mere possession of the gun, they are based on the way he may have used it (threatening his wife). If he did that, there are legitimate moral judgments to be passed. If all he did was possess it, he’s just stupid for not bothering to register it.

  18. richmond

    what is it with point guards and their guns? Arenas, Felton… even Deron Williams was quoted as having license to carry in 26 states but he won’t even attempt to bring one of his to NY.. btw, they also have stunning better halves, like Beno, Barea…

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