|Andrea Bargnani, PF
23 MIN | 1-7 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 1 TO | 2 PTS | -34
Andreuvius had come from the north, of fair skin and disposition, and of kind temperament. And the Malachites had taken great liking of his talents with the flute, and had built for the stranger a great fire, and a great many sheep and goats were given to him that they might be his charges. And the next day the great tall stranger forgot to latch the gate, and the beasts escaped, and the people starved, and God brought no relief to their sufferings, but to curse the stranger with a great rash. And he itched the rash, and the rash bled, and he could find no ointment with which to heal it.
|Carmelo Anthony, SF
32 MIN | 5-15 FG | 8-10 FT | 5 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 19 PTS | -40
The Philistines had chosen Goliath, a man four rods in height and large and considerable in size. And the Israelites chose David, slight of stature but steady with the rock sling. And another of the Israelites names Charmel protested, and asserted thee as the foremost thrower of rocks. And Noah listened to and considered his please, and asked God for advice. And God laughed, and lit a bush beside David, and said his was the Kingdom of efficiency. And so David was chosen. And Charmel doth pouted a great pout.
Jesus Christ Superstar, 3:7
|Raymond Felton, PG
20 MIN | 0-6 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 2 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 0 PTS | -38
Bobediah had watched the Jerusalites falter, and had seen among them one of unending concern. And this man’s name was Razekial, and Razekial had been slow to follow in their journey. And when he had his men gathered, Bobediah spoke and lamented Razekial. ‘And any man who finds thy faculties felled, or if thy legs and arms hath been stunted and made unsound, or thy movements reveal much imbibing in fatty meats, or thy thoughts and actions reduced to that of a beast, thine is the curse of many generations, and thy shall be cast to pine for eternity.’ So it was done to Razekial, who was cast to pine, which measured one fathom in length, and one span in width, and which was studded with many splinters, as was God’s will.
|Iman Shumpert, SG
31 MIN | 0-6 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 0 PTS | -31
Amongst the Canaanites there lived a man named Yemin. And Yemin had lost his flock to a plague and had become spiteful, and had forsaken his people, and had taken to dwelling alone in his home, which measured one reed in height, and which had become musty. And Yemin had shaved the hair upon his head, which had become considerable in dearth. And this did not please God, and brought great trouble into his home, where he lived with his seven wives and children, which counted twoscore and five. And his anger became more than his tribe could bear, and Yemin was delievered unto another passing tribe, and smited with great fervor, And he and his family were taken in by the foreign tribe, and he would take many more wives and make many more children. And it was good.
|Tim Hardaway Jr., SG
25 MIN | 3-7 FG | 1-1 FT | 2 REB | 1 AST | 3 STL | 1 BLK | 2 TO | 8 PTS | -29
Moses told Jesus of a prodigal son, named Timothias, the son of Timothias the elder, a dung mason. And the younger Timothias was full of talents, but his heart hath floundered by virtue of false schooling. And Jesus invited this man into his flock, and gave him many breads and fruits, and loved him and counseled him, and granted him a place in the inner circle. And then Timothy took to sleep during a most important sermon, and was cast about into the rocks and the trees and the wilderness, where he was made to repent and deliver lashes to his own back and acknowledge his own wickedness. After forty days he returned, and was invited back into the flock, but the flock judged that they would not share their figs. And this saddened Timothy, who did enjoy figs.
|Amar’e Stoudemire, PF
21 MIN | 5-7 FG | 7-10 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 1 TO | 17 PTS | -12
And the Abyssinian Jew, named Amir, who was tall and of sturdy stock, and who worshiped but one God in defiance of his people, who were the charges of the Egyptians. And Amir came to Galilee bearing much gold, and stood upon the rocky outcrop to be seen by his adopted people. And towards the gold ran a thief, named Markezial, great great great grandson of Vordachai, who begat Walter, who begat Brosephus, who who begat Steven. And Markezial moved to steal the stranger’s gold, and the stranger was slow of foot, and collapsed, and removed his sports goggles and threw them in anger. And the people jeered with great fervor. And God burned the land, and the people repented, and it was good.
|Metta World Peace, SF
20 MIN | 5-10 FG | 0-0 FT | 3 REB | 2 AST | 3 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 12 PTS | +1
It came to pass that the best crop had been sewn by Mettayahu, a strange mystic who had aged a full 700 years. His children, of which there were 80, and grandchildren, of which there were 600, and great grandchildren, of which there were 3,000, had left him, and Mettayahu had tended the acreage by his own hand, and the crops came in full and flowering, and it fed the village during the worst famine. And he would grind the wheat, which measured 12 kabs in quantity, and to the wheat he would add water, and with the wheat and the water he would make a wet bread, and from this wet bread he would make shells, and he would place these shells in boiling water, and he would cook the shells in boiling water for five to seven minutes, or until just tender, being sure not to overcook, and he would strain the shells, and he would add tomatoes and olive oil, and with this he would feed the village, and this brought the village much joy, as eating shells from the sea would cause their eyes to melt and their limbs to fall onto the ground and shatter, and they would be damned for eternity. And the shells pleased all bout Kenneth, who preferred elbows.
|Pablo Prigioni, PG
17 MIN | 1-1 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 4 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 3 PTS | 0
And Peter came to the supper, and upon the table he laid his fish, which were abundant and fresh. And the Apostles quickly consumed all the fish, leaving nothing for Peter, and this displeased Peter. And Peter turned to Jesus and spoke, ‘I , how do you say, for team do I everything. And team nothing do for everyone in return!’ And Jesus merely stroked Peter’s hair, and kissed him upon the forehead, and told him he should improve his speaking, but that his brothers would learn from him. But Peter did not believe it, and turned his back upon his brothers and joined the Menonite hordes.
|Beno Udrih, PG
13 MIN | 2-5 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 0 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 5 PTS | -7
The Romans in the hall were led by Benodictus, who was white of skin and who shaped his hair with the finest lard. And it was to Benodictus that Jesus came before he went to Pilot. And Benodictus confided in Jesus his many troubles, and said that he was too often left idle and without duties. And Jesus spoke, ‘If thou are not conscripted by wicked forces, thou remain unsullied.’ And Benodictus wept, and told Jesus he was sorry for Jesus’ sufferings. And Jesus spoke, ‘Don’t sweat it. Not your fault.’
|J.R. Smith, SG
27 MIN | 1-5 FG | 1-2 FT | 3 REB | 3 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 2 TO | 3 PTS | -11
Of Zoobediah’s three son’s, Jerricho was most wayward, and gave his father and his mother many fits. And when Jericho arrived to temple, the scent of wine permeated his movements, for the night before he had consumed much wine, which measured 10 logs in quantity, and which was of questionable quality. And his eyes being red and his body limp, Jericho was made to sit next to his mother and father, whom Jericho had besmirched, and the rabbi cast his fury upon the family. And so the rabbi stood, and drew a scimitar, and slew a goat, and drank the blood, and consumed the eyes and the snout, and burned the remains upon the pyre, and slew a calf by the same method, and a then another goat, and then another calf, and then a pagan. And the rabbi did look upon Jerricho with spite, and made Jerricho clean up the alter, which had been made messy.
Julius Caesar, 12:47
And Jehosephet told the tale of a small village near Bethlehem. And this place housed a village fool, and the fool was not a man of God, for he did not possess such advanced faculties. And the fool would wake every morning, and paint his chin with strange ink, and rap his own head with a club. And after so much rapping the fool would be laid assunder, and when he awoke again was angry to not have seen the Lord. And so he would rap his own head again, and so again, and so again, and so again, and so again, until the villagers removed the club from his hand, and cast the fool into the desert. And the fool wandered in the desert until he was hired by the Milwaukee Bucks.
Three Things We Saw
- I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense, and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns; the ground was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down. Then I saw and considered it; I looked and received instruction. A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man.
- For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.
- A new heaven and new earth replace the old. There is no more suffering or death.