INT. RUSTED HULK IN THE BOWELS OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN — CONTINUOUS
They pass into a huge hold. In the middle: 1.4 MILLION DOLLARS. The pile is thirty feet high. Standing on top- Masai Ujiri. At his feet, bound, is Glenn Grunwald. Dolan laughs.
Like Joe Walsh says,
“They say I’m crazy but I have a good time.
I’m just looking for clues at the scene of the crime
Life’s been good to me so far”
Ujiri jumps from the top, slides down the pile.
I told you- I’m a man of my word.
Where’s the Italian?
Dolan shrugs. Pulls out a cigar. Lights it.
What you do with all your money, Mr. Masai?
Ujiri GRABS a can of GASOLINE from his thug, Tyler Hansbrough.
I’m a man of simple tastes. I like…cap space. Dynamic point guards…
He is SPLASHING gasoline onto the money.
Dolan, FURIOUS, steps forwards. Ujiri turns. JABS his gun in Dolan’s face. Dolan’s bodyguard, Herb Williams, REACTS. Tyler Hansbrough DRAWS his gun on Herb.
And you know what they have in common?
You said that Bargnoodi was a former 1st overall pick and that he could shoot and was big…You said you were a man of your word.
Ujiri PLUCKS the cigar from Dolan’s lips.
Ujiri tosses the cigar at the pile.
I’m only burning my half.
Dolan watches the money catch fire.
All you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of criminal…er…owner, and I’m going to give it to them.
It’s not about money. It’s about sending a message…
Ujiri watches the towering FLAMES. Glenn Grunwald screams.
You know, I’d almost forgotten what bug-eyed, gobsmacked Knick-based incredulous rage felt like. They’ve been more or less out of the news, saved for a sort of weird, rumor-and-innuendo filled couple of months that was the Kerr/Fisher/Phil love triangle (see what I did there?), but on a lovely Sunday, word was leaked that the ‘Bockers did not, in fact, have nearly as much money as we thought; money that we hope(d) might be used to say, buy a draft pick.
Correction from yesterday: Knicks only have $1.8M to offer for a pick after giving Toronto $1.4M in Bargnani trade. http://t.co/lhrtizvudG
— Ken Berger (@KBergCBS) June 22, 2014
It really has reached Baxter and the Wheel of Cheese-levels at this point. I’m not even mad; I’m impressed. The Knicks (or Grunwald or Mills or Dolan or CAA the Illuminati or whom/whatever was actually in charge Pre-Phil) not only thought it was necessary to send three picks to Toronto for #BARGS!!!!1!, they felt it was necessary to add money to sweeten the pot. Srsly.
At this point, I kind of hope my little bit of bowdlerizing of The Dark Knight screenplay above is actually what took place, and Masai just went full Heath Ledger Joker and burned the sweet, sweet pile of greenbacks in front of Dolan just to prove a point.
So yes, the Knicks went from the relatively slim hope of a cash-poor or draft-pick resplendent team being willing to sell a first so they can snag P.J. Hairston or Kyle Anderson or Mitch McGary or whatever tasty prospect has the right vibes, mang for Pappa Phil, to hoping someone good drops into the second round (maybe).
In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a humongous loss, but it is so freaking Knicks. After a few months of generally pleasant sports-watching, whether it was the Rangers, or the Spurs’ decimation of the Heat or the World–you know, fun things that didn’t leave you without questioning the logic of fandom altogether–hearing about this is like the sound of record needle being violently snatched from its place in the midst of blissfully listening to one of Chopin’s Etudes. (Unless you root for the Mets. Then it’s been same ol’ same ol’. Yes, I’m a Mets fan. Shocker.)
The sheer, unimaginable stupidity of it brought me right back to those awful, soul-sucking first few months of the 2013-14 season in one feel swoop. And like a recidivist criminal or addict falling off the wagon, I just want to bellow, “NO. Not again. I thought we were past this. Why, oh fickle and cruel and capricious God, WHY?” Because the Bargs trade is forever. An immutable sin that will haunt our children and our children’s children and the sentient robots that eventually take over the planet.
Or, Like Jared sez:
If the Eddy Curry deal never happened, this Bargnani disaster would have a hell of a case for Worst Knicks Trade of All Time.
— Jared Dubin (@JADubin5) June 22, 2014
So I’m just gonna laugh, because the only other option is screaming obscenities (possibly while speaking in tongues) and pounding nails into the floor with my forehead.
I leave you with this. I made it just for you, die-hard Knicker-backers. You (and I) deserve better.