Pessimist: Hey buddy, it’s my favorite time of year!
Pessimist: Oooohhh boy!!! We’re on the cusp of a new Knicks season, or as I call it Pessimist Christmas.
Optimist: I know.
Pessimist: We’ll I’m ready for you, Optimouth Prime. And I’m going to convince you that this team is going to Suuuuuuck ITTTTT this year.
Optimist: I bet.
Pessimist: I know what you’re thinking. “Hey Pessimist this team is going to be awesome. Blah Blah Blah per minute stats. Blah Blah Blah defensive efficiency.” Well I researched and I am ready for you this year.
Pessimist: So your first argument is going to be “Phil Jackson is transforming the team. He’s set a pick right in front of Jimmy Dolan, and that 5-foot-zilch pipsqueak can’t mess things up anymore.” Amirite?
Pessimist: Oh. Well it wouldn’t have worked on me anyway. Dolan has been sticking his guitar calloused fingers into the Knicks business since day 1 (remember when Jeff Van Gundy bolted?). He’s made a mockery of the front office hierarchy. This is the guy that out muscled Donnie Walsh. Remember Walsh was a native New Yorker, the architect of the hard-working and crafty Pacers teams that gave the city fits for a few summers. How did that end? Donnie was forced to sign off on the Carmelo Anthony trade (with that juice heaping of extra pork) that was all but penned by our lead vocalist. And for his capitulation Donnie was demoted and eventually shot out of MSG’s circus cannon.
Optimist: Well I wasn’t going to bring that up.
Pessimist: Ahhhhh I’m onto you. So you’re going to talk about Derek Fisher: new coach extraordinaire? Well buddy, let me tell ya, he ain’t all that. Need I remind you that he was the Knicks’ second choice. Remember when LeBron was our first choice? Well our Plan B was to throw endless amounts of cap space at Amar’e Stoudemire. How’s that working out?
You know why the Knicks have sucked so bad over the last few years? Because they’re like a chess player thinking only about his next move. And when someone forks your king and queen, you wonder why you didn’t think of that before you moved her to that cursed square. The truth is there is no real Plan B with these guys. They think the LeBron Jameses of the league are just going to show up at their doorstep. And after they’ve spent the rent money at the track on that old limping mare, there’s just no Plan B that is going to make that situation work.
Anyway, Fisher has been talking tough about defense. Have you watched the preseason? He’s made a mockery of the word. Sure play STAT at center, but keep Aldrich glued to the bench — that’s a defensive coach? Fisher doesn’t actually care about defense, he just has to say he does. Change “defense” with the word “veterans” and he’s ready to run for Congress.
Admit it, that was your next rainbow?
Pessimist: I got it! Jose Calderon and Sam Dalembert. Yup there’s the difference in 2015! You’re going to convince me that Dalembert is Tyson Chandler’s equal, and the Knicks get a huge upgrade over Felton. Well there’s a reason that Dalembert is on his 6th team in 6 seasons while Chandler brought home a DPOY. Meanwhile Calderon is a better offensive player, but on defense he’s going to give it all back and then some.
Optimist: I wasn’t going to mention that.
Pessimist: Ah-ha so you’re keying in on our youngsters. Let’s see Iman Shumpert, is finally going to break out? Yup right after Mike Sweetney. Iman’s career TS% is 48.9%, which to put into perspective, is right above Larry Hughes’ Knicks’ mark.
The fans were all over Dolan for wanting to trade Shumpert, but honestly it might be the one time he’s right. Maybe we should get something for Iman now before he Landry Fields (v. to go from high ceiling in New York, to anonymity in Canada).
And as for Tim Hardaway, he’s got a nice shot right off the bat. If that sticks around he’ll be a good 6th man for as long as he can stroke it. However that’s probably his ceiling given his defensive ability. After a season of Hardaway and Calderon sending happy drivers to the paint, Dalembert will be looking to extend his streak to 7 teams.
Optimist: Wasn’t thinking of them.
Pessimist: Uhhh… Uhhhh… It’s the triangle offense right? ‘Melo’s gonna share the ball…
Pessimist: Cole Aldrich! He’s going to save…
Pessimist: Amar’e Stoudemire revival! J.R. Smith matures! Bargnani learns to rebound!
Pessimist: TRAVIS WEAR MAKES THE ALL STAR TEAM! OK WHAT IS IT? WHY ARE YOU SO OPTIMISTIC THIS FOR THE KNICKS IN 2015?!?!?!
Optimist: We finally have our own first round draft pick, and our team is going to suck this year!
Pessimist: Meh. We’ll find a way to fuck that up, too.