Statistical Analysis. Humor. Knicks.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

2015-16 Game Thread: Knicks @ (gulp) Warriors

Hello and welcome to tonight’s game, Knicks fans. I know the thought of watching a Knicks game is about as appealing as getting a series of papercuts on your tongue and then eating a bag of pretzels washed down with lemon juice, but tonight’s game is more about the opponent, folks. This is a team chasing history.

I always thought the phrase “chasing history” was pretty weird, Ted. I mean, isn’t history behind us? How can we chase something we’re ahead of?

My apologies to our viewing audience, I believe based on his quasi-philosophical mindstate that my colleague might have been indulging himself with an herbal remedy before our broadcast, folks.

Look, what I do before we come on the air is my business. Watching this team without a buzz going is your mistake, so stop trying to fuck up my vibe, Ted.

You can’t say that word on air, Bill, we’ve discussed this befo—oh wait, here come the visiting Knicks out of the tunnel. This is their only trip to Oracle Arena this season, a place where the Warriors have not been beaten all year. The Knicks have struggled like an arthritic grandmother trying to open a jar of pickles down the stretch of this season, so we certainly can’t hope for too much from New York tonight against the NBA’s best team, right?

Isn’t it about time we called it “Not-as-Old York? I mean, it’s been like 400 years since the state was colonized, right? The only thing that’s still new after 400 years is… like… a star, or something. And for that matter, what the hell is new about New Hampshire? I went there for the weekend with my wife a while back and we stayed in a Bed and Breakfast that must have been built before the Flood. It didn’t even have wifi, Ted. It was like visiting the Dark Ages, except with less freedom of religious expression.

Good point, Bill, but perhaps you have an opinion about tonight’s game? What chances do the Knicks have of pulling off the upset?

I mean, if it weren’t for John Irving novels, would New Hampshire even exist? Or would it just fade into oblivion like Josh Hartnett?

Anyways, folks, there’s only 14 games left in this season before I can mercifully stop being a part of this broadcast team for six blissful months. I look forward to draft beer, the ocean breeze, fishing with my—

Derek Fisher? Is he back? That dude was on point, man. So chill. We used to get lit in his office after games and send pizzas to Matt Barnes’ house when he was supposed to be watching tape for the next opponent. Whenever you passed him the blunt, he would say, “Fish is reeling it in!” and he would act like he was holding a fishing rod and do the whole turning-the-crank thing before he would take a hit. He could blow a killer smoke ring, too. This one time, we—

Okay, that’s enough of that, Bill. Let’s try to focus on tonight’s matchup, okay? There’s no better show in basketball than Steph Curry, who we get the privilege of seeing tonight with our own eyes. It’s just a different experience than what you can see on television. The energy in the building, the endless barrage of “NOnononoYESSS” shots that he’s able to make; it really is a palpable atmosphere, isn’t it?

I don’t know about all that, Ted, but I heard he’s also known as Chef Curry when I was scoring some pot behind a Toys-R-Us from a group of local middle schoolers cutting school earlier today. After I called a truant officer on them to avoid paying for the weed, it occurred to me that I never thought to ask where his restaurant is. Damn, now I’m hungry. Why did you have to bring up food right before a broadcast, Ted?

I didn’t. I asked about the arena’s electric environment.

Electric environment? I mean, that describes the whole world, right? Isn’t everything just energy when you get down to the nitty gritty? We’re all just atoms bouncing around randomly through the universe. Did you know the human body is 70% water? Guess what else is 70% water, Ted.

I don’t know, Bill. What?

No, you have to guess.

Ummm… Monkeys? We’re like 99% genetically similar so that makes sense to—

THE EARTH’S SURFACE, man. What if the entire Earth is just a human body? And we’re all just tiny, inconsequential metaphors for its existence? Like, what if plants are just capsules of light that we’ve forced into physical manifestation because we can’t stare directly at the sun for too long, and they need water because of our own selfish thirst for meaning in life?

Like the Knicks when Kurt Rambis discusses his coaching strategy, you’re losing my interest, Bill. I can kind of see where you’re going, but you might want to reel it in a little—

Ahhh man, that brings me back. I miss the Fish man! Now there was a guy who knew the importance of water. I guess when you need it to breathe, though, it moves up the scale of what’s important.

You understand that he wasn’t actually a fish, right? That was just his last name?

*quiet for a few seconds*

So he had you fooled too, huh? Figures. You never were that bright. Why do you think Phil fired him?

My guess is because he was doing drugs with media members in team facilities when he should have been preparing his team for games.

Nah, man. That’s what they want you to think. It’s better if you don’t ask any more questions, Ted. For your own safety, just let this one go.

Gladly. Oh, look, here comes Steph Curry and the Warriors as the home team takes the court to a deafening ovation. Wow, what a team we get to watch tonight. I can speak from personal experience that watching the Knicks lately has been about as much fun as writing an alimony check to a woman who lives in the house you are still paying for from the futon in your studio apartment. All while you listen to the neighbors’ every breath and footstep through walls thinner than Miley Cyrus after a juice cleanse.

Damn, bro. Told you not to marry that broad.

That you did, Bill. You also told me not to invest in Apple stock in the 80s because computers were a “fad,” that Adam Morrison would be the next Larry Bird, and that I should inject my infant daughter with HGH because, and I quote, “she is too small to play football.” You don’t exactly have a strong record in giving advice.

Computers are a fad, you’ll see. It’s just a longer fad than I thought it would be. We just talked about how humans are 70% water, and what breaks a computer? WATER. We’re just not compatible, man. And I was right about your daughter. She’s what, like, six now? And she’s still way too small to play football. She’s never getting a scholarship with that frame, Ted.

Well, the starting lineups are about to be announced and the game will tip shortly thereafter. I feel like, as always, we’ve wasted the audience’s time with this pregame show, Bill. But there’s something to be said for consistency, I guess.

Does Chef Curry have any food right now or do we have to wait until after the game for his restaurant to open? I feel like he’s playing this game right in the middle of dinner rush and that’s kind of irresponsible for a business owner.

Couldn’t agree more, Bill. Couldn’t agree more. Anything you’d like to add before the team introductions and national anthem?

Well, I’d just like to close by saying to our audience that this is Bill and Ted, and we are looking forward to another Excellent Adventure with all of you tonight.

If you say that one more time this season, I am going to lose the last shred of sanity I’m holding onto. Seriously, Ted. One more utterance of that phrase would be the equivalent of sentencing me to death.

Death is an illusion, man. You can’t destroy energy. Or water. Did you know the human body is 70% water? Guess what else is 70% water.

I hate you, Bill. And now to the third member of our team, our sideline reporter, who isn’t really a member of our team but more of the broadcasting equivalent of a tumor that networks still haven’t decided to get rid of even though they have been made vastly irrelevant by social media. Kevin, what do you think about tonight’s game?

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65 comments on “2015-16 Game Thread: Knicks @ (gulp) Warriors

  1. etangclan

    That was a great lead in to the game! If we can’t get a win at least I got a good laugh

  2. DRed

    SherwoodStrauss

    Curry joking about Porzingis imitating his hallway shot: “I wasn’t very impressed”

    Oh, I’m sure he was joking. Speaking of jokes, Steph Dangerfield scored 13 points against a team employing Jose Calderon, Sasha Vujacic and Arron Afflalo.

  3. ClashFan

    Come on! This will be fun. What’s the record for combined scoring by a pair of starting guards in a game? Maybe GS will break that tonight!

    But slightly more seriously, here’s the over/under for combined points for Curry and Thompson: 60.

    I’m taking the UNDER!
    (I think that GS will coast in the second half, limiting Curry’s minutes…)

  4. DRed

    I’d be laughing and dancing too if the other team was starting Sasha Vujacic because they like his energy

  5. JD & The Rim Shot

    It’s becumming pretty clear Bogut is going to totally ignore Rolo and just load the paint and double anyone else that even tries to back in.

    And it’s not rly looking like Rolo is doing anything to make him regret it.

  6. ptmilo

    I wonder how many points the Warriors would be up if they were trying. That Draymond 28 footer skywrote “hey did you see their starting backcourt?” on the way to the rim.

  7. JD & The Rim Shot

    Who could’ve imagined putting the worst defensive starting PG of all time on the greatest shooting PG in NBA history could end up so poorly.

  8. ClashFan

    Actually, Sasha only played 5 minutes, and Thompson is 1/5 so far, so don’t blame him, yet.

    However, Rambis left Calderon in for almost 11 minutes…

  9. JD & The Rim Shot

    O’Quinn taking lazy 20 footers just inside the line for no reason don’t count as plays?

  10. DRed

    Galloway is the best defensive guard on this roster by several orders of magnitude, and going basically a quarter before playing him against one of the best backcourts in NBA history is coaching malpractice

  11. ptmilo

    where’s the dude that goes all statue of david over seraphin’s “nba body” every time he hits 3 shots?

  12. JD & The Rim Shot

    Did Mike Breen really just compliment a guy who tweets porn sites and buried all his young guys in a vain attempt to protect his job for his professionalism.

    I mean i know you gotta fill the air but lets cut the bullshit.

  13. er

    Seriously Andrew bogus moves on every single screen. And draymond fouls KP off the ball everytime. I guess the refs swallow the whistles for the league darlings

  14. JD & The Rim Shot

    It’s an open secret that the Warriors pull so many illegal screens and just dare the refs to call all of it and so far they haven’t been called out.

    Considering the league has never been shy to send out memos telling refs what they should and shouldn’t tighten up on, I wouldn’t be surprised if the league just said ‘fuck it, this is good for business. Let em have at it.’

  15. ptmilo

    when curry starts dribble weaving through traffic and throwing cross court behind the back passes he kinda reminds me of michael j fox in teen wolf

  16. ClashFan

    Halftime stats:
    Knicks starting guards: 2/9 for 4 pts. Galloway 1/3 for 2 pts.
    GS starting guards: 12/23 for 32 points. That’s +28 for the starting guards in a 16 point game.

  17. yellowboy90

    I actually forgot Jerian was available. I saw KP playing Barnes and wondered why isn’t he at the 5 instead of playing pf with O’Quinn at C. Then I thought to myself Thomas’s is out and the Knicks don’t have the depth to go small, especially since Sasha is starting. Lol.

    I totally forgot about Grant. Thanks Rambis.

  18. JD & The Rim Shot

    Rambis during halftime:
    Alright guys, we’re down by a lot. So no time for anything fancy like passing or ball moment—mooment—movement, is that really the word? Whoever gets the ball just chuck it up. Just straight up in the air like you just don’t care. But make sure to just step inside the 3pt line when you do. No stupid line is gonna tell me how to coach. Calderon, you’re playing Steph purrfect. “You werent doing anything?” Well it’s working keep it up. Oh and anyone under the age of 30, go sit in the corner and go fuck yourself. Yes, that means you Jerian.

  19. chrisk06811

    Who the hell is Rasheed Hazard? I have absolutely never heard of him before. Why isn’t he our coach?

  20. DRed

    There’s obviously no shame in losing to maybe the best team in NBA history on the road, but holy shit have we played stupidly

  21. ptmilo

    one problem with playing DW at strong safety is that he has trouble guarding the TE on the seam route

  22. ClashFan

    There’s something really sad about holding for the last shot of a quarter when you’re down 33.

  23. DRed

    Should we put our best perimeter defender on the best guard in 20 years or leandro barbosa?

    Can’t have barbosa beat us

  24. The Infamous Cdiggy

    So umm, how bad is it when the supposed worst player on the Warriors is a +19 and scores 13 points on 8 shots?

  25. Brian Cronin

    The Knicks lineup rotations have been awful all year. I could do better in a video game

    And yet that’s the dude who is likely going to be the coach next year. Freakin’ no accountability on this team.

  26. er

    KP needs to hit the gym and the weights. Something to not allow himself to be just taken out of games by physical play

  27. GoNyGoNYGo

    The praise of GM Bob Meyers made me look up this article. So much bad “sabermetric” NBA analysis out there.

    @59 – That’s why I come here! What a great find. LOL! Man was that stat-head wrong about everything!

  28. Dough Chew

    @59 lol

    #1: Don’t invest in injury prevention or medical staff

    #2: Steph Curry and Klay Thompson in 2012 will lose you games b/c inefficient scoring; get rid of them

    #3: Depth is useless during the playoffs and doesn’t win titles.

    #4: Shorter players are undervalued (OK that’s Draymond, nice job dude 1/5)

    #5: Players “age like milk” after 25; don’t bother adding veterans.

    in conclusion: FOH

  29. Nick C.

    @ 59 can I get those 5 minutes of my life back. That was a superficial, go for the buzz line in two sentences and move on level of “analysis.”

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