Hello and welcome to tonight’s game, Knicks fans. I know the thought of watching a Knicks game is about as appealing as getting a series of papercuts on your tongue and then eating a bag of pretzels washed down with lemon juice, but tonight’s game is more about the opponent, folks. This is a team chasing history.
I always thought the phrase “chasing history” was pretty weird, Ted. I mean, isn’t history behind us? How can we chase something we’re ahead of?
My apologies to our viewing audience, I believe based on his quasi-philosophical mindstate that my colleague might have been indulging himself with an herbal remedy before our broadcast, folks.
Look, what I do before we come on the air is my business. Watching this team without a buzz going is your mistake, so stop trying to fuck up my vibe, Ted.
You can’t say that word on air, Bill, we’ve discussed this befo—oh wait, here come the visiting Knicks out of the tunnel. This is their only trip to Oracle Arena this season, a place where the Warriors have not been beaten all year. The Knicks have struggled like an arthritic grandmother trying to open a jar of pickles down the stretch of this season, so we certainly can’t hope for too much from New York tonight against the NBA’s best team, right?
Isn’t it about time we called it “Not-as-Old York? I mean, it’s been like 400 years since the state was colonized, right? The only thing that’s still new after 400 years is… like… a star, or something. And for that matter, what the hell is new about New Hampshire? I went there for the weekend with my wife a while back and we stayed in a Bed and Breakfast that must have been built before the Flood. It didn’t even have wifi, Ted. It was like visiting the Dark Ages, except with less freedom of religious expression.
Good point, Bill, but perhaps you have an opinion about tonight’s game? What chances do the Knicks have of pulling off the upset?
I mean, if it weren’t for John Irving novels, would New Hampshire even exist? Or would it just fade into oblivion like Josh Hartnett?
Anyways, folks, there’s only 14 games left in this season before I can mercifully stop being a part of this broadcast team for six blissful months. I look forward to draft beer, the ocean breeze, fishing with my—
Derek Fisher? Is he back? That dude was on point, man. So chill. We used to get lit in his office after games and send pizzas to Matt Barnes’ house when he was supposed to be watching tape for the next opponent. Whenever you passed him the blunt, he would say, “Fish is reeling it in!” and he would act like he was holding a fishing rod and do the whole turning-the-crank thing before he would take a hit. He could blow a killer smoke ring, too. This one time, we—
Okay, that’s enough of that, Bill. Let’s try to focus on tonight’s matchup, okay? There’s no better show in basketball than Steph Curry, who we get the privilege of seeing tonight with our own eyes. It’s just a different experience than what you can see on television. The energy in the building, the endless barrage of “NOnononoYESSS” shots that he’s able to make; it really is a palpable atmosphere, isn’t it?
I don’t know about all that, Ted, but I heard he’s also known as Chef Curry when I was scoring some pot behind a Toys-R-Us from a group of local middle schoolers cutting school earlier today. After I called a truant officer on them to avoid paying for the weed, it occurred to me that I never thought to ask where his restaurant is. Damn, now I’m hungry. Why did you have to bring up food right before a broadcast, Ted?
I didn’t. I asked about the arena’s electric environment.
Electric environment? I mean, that describes the whole world, right? Isn’t everything just energy when you get down to the nitty gritty? We’re all just atoms bouncing around randomly through the universe. Did you know the human body is 70% water? Guess what else is 70% water, Ted.
I don’t know, Bill. What?
No, you have to guess.
Ummm… Monkeys? We’re like 99% genetically similar so that makes sense to—
THE EARTH’S SURFACE, man. What if the entire Earth is just a human body? And we’re all just tiny, inconsequential metaphors for its existence? Like, what if plants are just capsules of light that we’ve forced into physical manifestation because we can’t stare directly at the sun for too long, and they need water because of our own selfish thirst for meaning in life?
Like the Knicks when Kurt Rambis discusses his coaching strategy, you’re losing my interest, Bill. I can kind of see where you’re going, but you might want to reel it in a little—
Ahhh man, that brings me back. I miss the Fish man! Now there was a guy who knew the importance of water. I guess when you need it to breathe, though, it moves up the scale of what’s important.
You understand that he wasn’t actually a fish, right? That was just his last name?
*quiet for a few seconds*
So he had you fooled too, huh? Figures. You never were that bright. Why do you think Phil fired him?
My guess is because he was doing drugs with media members in team facilities when he should have been preparing his team for games.
Nah, man. That’s what they want you to think. It’s better if you don’t ask any more questions, Ted. For your own safety, just let this one go.
Gladly. Oh, look, here comes Steph Curry and the Warriors as the home team takes the court to a deafening ovation. Wow, what a team we get to watch tonight. I can speak from personal experience that watching the Knicks lately has been about as much fun as writing an alimony check to a woman who lives in the house you are still paying for from the futon in your studio apartment. All while you listen to the neighbors’ every breath and footstep through walls thinner than Miley Cyrus after a juice cleanse.
Damn, bro. Told you not to marry that broad.
That you did, Bill. You also told me not to invest in Apple stock in the 80s because computers were a “fad,” that Adam Morrison would be the next Larry Bird, and that I should inject my infant daughter with HGH because, and I quote, “she is too small to play football.” You don’t exactly have a strong record in giving advice.
Computers are a fad, you’ll see. It’s just a longer fad than I thought it would be. We just talked about how humans are 70% water, and what breaks a computer? WATER. We’re just not compatible, man. And I was right about your daughter. She’s what, like, six now? And she’s still way too small to play football. She’s never getting a scholarship with that frame, Ted.
Well, the starting lineups are about to be announced and the game will tip shortly thereafter. I feel like, as always, we’ve wasted the audience’s time with this pregame show, Bill. But there’s something to be said for consistency, I guess.
Does Chef Curry have any food right now or do we have to wait until after the game for his restaurant to open? I feel like he’s playing this game right in the middle of dinner rush and that’s kind of irresponsible for a business owner.
Couldn’t agree more, Bill. Couldn’t agree more. Anything you’d like to add before the team introductions and national anthem?
Well, I’d just like to close by saying to our audience that this is Bill and Ted, and we are looking forward to another Excellent Adventure with all of you tonight.
If you say that one more time this season, I am going to lose the last shred of sanity I’m holding onto. Seriously, Ted. One more utterance of that phrase would be the equivalent of sentencing me to death.
Death is an illusion, man. You can’t destroy energy. Or water. Did you know the human body is 70% water? Guess what else is 70% water.
I hate you, Bill. And now to the third member of our team, our sideline reporter, who isn’t really a member of our team but more of the broadcasting equivalent of a tumor that networks still haven’t decided to get rid of even though they have been made vastly irrelevant by social media. Kevin, what do you think about tonight’s game?