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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Monthly Archives: July 2011

2011 Report Card: Jared Jeffries

“They went to Jared!” Within seconds after the Knicks’ 96-93 Game 2 loss to the Celtics, the mock headline had populated the interwebs like a nasty (and hilarious!) case of crabs. After a 42 point, 17 rebound detonation as blistering as it was heroic, Carmelo Anthony chose to punctuate his transcendent performance by…. deferring to Jared Jeffries on the last possession. If it weren’t for the pterodactylite reflexes of Kevin Garnett, Jeffries, Bill Walker (the intended recipient of Jared’s dish), and Melo would’ve all been heroes. The series tied at a game apiece, the Knicks — who played much of …continue reading

2011 Report Card: Andy Rautins

Lockout malaise got you down? Have you too taken to watching Greatest Games on NBATV every night, quietly weeping to yourself and telling your concerned family “it’s just face sweat”? Worse, have you resorted to investing emotionally in the WNBA regular season, weeping very loudly and telling your now seriously alarmed family that they “just don’t understand”? We feel ya. You need a distraction. Even more importantly — if you happen to reside anywhere in North America — you probably need a reason to stay inside for 15 more minutes.  It, after all, be hawt. So let’s play a game! …continue reading

Carmaré: Brotherly Love or Sibling Rivalry?

Let’s say you have a player — we’ll call him Max — that, whenever the offense is run through him, the team’s offensive efficiency increases by 30%. Unfortunately, Max is not the greatest of defenders. In fact, he prefers to take short naps while his team is on defense, curling up at center court and allowing his teammates to play four against five. As a result of his poor defense, the opposing team’s offensive efficiency improves by 20% whenever he is on the floor. Still, as long as Max is the center of the offense, his team is looking pretty …continue reading

2011 Report Card: Shawne Williams

On the day the Knicks announced their 2010-2011 roster, the inclusion of Shawne Williams was notable mostly because of the name he displaced- Patrick Ewing Jr. Your fifteenth man is there to be a good cheerleader and locker room presence, and the son of a former Knicks great seemed much more likely to fit that description than Williams. After flopping in stints with the Pacers and Mavericks, Shawne- a former #17 overall pick- was seen as a non-factor. How, then, did we end up in a world where he was being asked to start at center against Dwight Howard? Cynics might answer, “Because Mike D’Antoni doesn’t care …continue reading

A Crumbling Sanctuary: One year after LeDecision, some reflections on pain, promise, and a Knick fan’s penance

I knew what was coming. You knew what was coming. At that point – one year ago today – it’s conceivable both my animals knew what was coming. And they’re both pretty dumb, even for animals. Still, I watched. We watched – 10 million of us to be exact. It felt like we had to. In the history of television, we’d never seen anything quite like this; one man single-handedly incinerate the blissfully sports-tortured souls of millions of people with such swift, icy aplomb. Anyone not named Dennis Miller, anyway. And certainly not wearing a shirt like that. That was …continue reading

2011 Report Card: Ball Wilker

Editor’s Note: As per league policy, we are not permitted to mention, discuss, use images of, talk to, look at, fawn over, Skype, lampoon, or otherwise think about any player currently under contract in the NBA (we can, as it turns out, still buy their jerseys). What follows is an entirely fictional account. As such, any perceived connections to real people contained herein are entirely coincidental, and any artistic renderings purely the product of the author’s extremely limited and tasteless creative abilities. Thank you. For much of the 2007-08 NCAA season, all eyes were fixed squarely on Kansas State super …continue reading